As with everyone, my whole life there have been so many things I have been afraid of, and often I just turn to my defense mechanisms to deal with them. For me, I have a few go-to defense mechanisms I like to use. When it comes to being afraid of people hurting me in relationships, I just tell myself that they never cared and shut down my heart (dang, that feels so awful admitting). When it comes to losing people, I just remind myself that there was a time I never had them. Complain about people and things when they annoy me. When it comes to just about anything else anger and sarcasm work really well. And yes, each and every one of these things hurt the people I care about around me, and no, they hardly ever helped, but I never stopped them. I could say I didn't know what else to do, but the truth is I just never wanted to try something different.
But the thing is, when I let defense mechanisms run my life, which I did this year, because I found it was just easier to be angry all the time, I become the worse version of myself. And that's who I have been for the last year at least. There's no other way to say it, I've been a cold-hearted jerk, who hurt the people she cares about all the time, especially when she is struggling with something. I was the person I promised myself I would never become, and I can only look back on it with shame and pray for forgiveness for it.
In these past two weeks I have finally reached the point where I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to hurt the people around me anymore. I don't to be sarcastic, I don't want to push people away, I don't want to shut down. I have hurt too many people I really care about, and my sister and I have made my house too much of a war-zone.
So I started talking to God more this last week, started reading my Bible more again, and for the first time in a long time, I felt fairly peaceful and happy. My mom even mentioned it when I called her to ask her about something. But really quickly that was put to the test, and the past few days I've been struggling through something that has brought up some past pain and a whole lot of fear. Almost instantly I felt myself shutting down, running to hide behind my defense mechanisms. And then I saw myself reverting back to the person I had just started walking away from. I got really angry at something very, very stupid, and wasn't very far away from taking it out on my family. Thankfully God reminded me to take a step back in both of those instances, and helped me to choose to do something different. I didn't shut down, I spoke up, and instead of getting angry, I prayed God would help me through the situation as gracefully and loving(ly(?)) as possible. Now I want this to be very clear: it was not me who did that. God did. But dang, what a difference it has made.
My sister is actually shocked at how I am handling the situation, and I think for the first time in maybe 8 years we've gone 3 days so far without fighting. I see the person I once knew I could be coming out, I think mostly because though I am still dealing with that thing, I am not letting myself turn to these unhealthy habits, and instead turning to God with the pain and fear. It's literally changing my whole personality. I can't say I'm not upset right now, or hurt, or scared, but I feel so calm. So much calmer than I ever do with my defense mechanisms, even though when I turn to them I tend to bury those painful feelings, so I don't feel them as much. I don't know if I would say I feel happier than I do when I turn to defense mechanisms, but I know that will come, and I certainly am more hopeful and joyful. It honestly feels so much easier than turning to my defense mechanisms as well, because it's actually working. God's not pushing me on taking the things that are hurting, I don't have to work at it.
Turning to God with our pain does not mean it's just going to go away, but it does mean you will not be alone in dealing with it. I don't want to run from my fear, I want to run towards God with my fear. Even though right now my mom (who probably knows me better than anyone else in this world) knows I'm struggling with something, she also can see I'm more at peace than I have been in a long time. And I am, because even though I don't know what's going to happen with this situation, or with my life in the next month, or year, or ten, I know God will always have my back, and will always be happy to carry my burdens. I don't have to be alone in these feelings. They're not fun, but they make me a better person, I've noticed it already even though it's only been a few days.
All this to say, I know how terrifying it can be to turn to something other than what you have always known when you are scared or in pain, but I promise there is another way, and a much better way. And you're not alone. I am praying for you all, and I love you all. If you know me, you can reach out to me to talk about it if you want, if you don't, turn to a friend you really trust. You are so very loved, and you are so very strong. If you let God hold your fear and pain, so much of your life will be affected. Because when we give God the bad things, it is so much easier to see Him, and share with Him the good things.
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