Talking with God

Hey y'all. I know it's been a while, and there have been a few things I need to update you on in my life, but I'm going to save that for the next post, because right now I want to finish one I started months ago, that has stayed on my heart for this whole time.

Now, I need to say something before I begin. The whole time I have had this blog I have tried to be as transparent as possible with y'all, which sometimes means I have to tell you things that have gone through my mind that I am not overly proud of. This is going to be one of those times. Get ready for some very sterio-typical thoughts and feelings for a twenty-something-who-just-graduated-a-small-christian-school-woman. I'm just being honest. Okay, so now we are prepared to begin.

A while ago after church, I went to a tree near my dorm on campus and talked to God for a few hours. During that conversation, I found myself re-thinking many things, and I wanted to share some of those with you.

For as long as I can remember, I have looked forward to having a family, with plenty of kids. I have looked forward to meeting the man I would marry, and as I grew older, I found myself extremely excited for the first time I would worship with him. (Yes. I know. I don't like admitting this. Stick with me though). As much as I hate to say this, I had fully expected to meet him before I finished college. This is what I was talking to God about that day, because at the time, I only had a few months before college was over, and I found myself not only extremely single, but perfectly happy, and even determined to keep it that way. And I kept saying that I would be fine if I was single for the rest of my life, no questions asked.

Now, this would have been completely fine...if my heart and mind actually seemed to be on board with it. But I would see families at church, or couples holding hands and worshiping togethers, or I would watch dads playing with their babies and something in me would just go I want that. It finally reached the point I needed to talk to God, because I felt like I was at war with myself. I couldn't be fine with never meeting someone and yet always find myself with a deep longing for a family and a husband whenever I saw one.

So I talked to God. For about two hours. What I realized that what I thought was me being okay with simply being single if that was what God called me to, was actually me just terrified of being in a relationship. God had nothing to do with it.

Fear in relationships... fear of romantic (and let's face it, most close) relationships to the point where I would rather avoid them forever then ever try to find one again, and I had convinced myself that fear was peace in following God's call... Wow. That's a problem. A problem that is going to take many more posts to show you how God's been working with me on, but for now I'll tell you how God helped me throught the first step: conquoring my fear.

I had started crying by this point in my conversaion, because I knew that if this fear was controlling me to the point I had convinced myself it was actually God, I needed to do something about it, ut I didn't know what. See, I've been afraid of giving my heart away, just to be broken again, for a few years now. And to not be afraid of a relationship meant not being afraid to give my heart away, and I just did not know how to do that.

So through tears, I told God there was only one being I would ever be willing to give my heart to, only one being I would not be afraid to, and that was God. God was, and is the only anything I trust to never break my heart. I wanted God to be the safekeeper of my heart.

I realized God is the only one I would ever trust to give my heart away, only God would never give my heart away. God will always hold it in God's hand. When others get a part of my heart, they should get it because God is holding them too, and that is what I want with my husband. If I ever get married, it can only be because we have both given our hearts to God to hold, and God, who will always be holding us, has brought us together.

I believe I grew up thinking some version of this, but it had never really hit me so hard as it did that day under the tree, and it's been easier. There are still many things I am afraid of, there are still many things I'm angry about, and I still hurt. I don't know if will ever have a family, or a husband, and if I'm honest right now I hope that I will. But what my prayer will be is that one day all I will hope for in my life is that I will always  faithfully follow God, and that my heart will become like God's.

So I'm not going to make big statements like "Yo, I would be happy if I never had to deal with another romantic relationship in my life, yeah bring on the singleness!" anymore, because that's not true. Right now, deep down, while I am fine and happy single, I do want a relalationship one day. I do want to get married. So. So much. I was just too scared to admit that. And while I know I will be fine, even fantastic if I do end up single, I want to be those things because I am so happy and fulfilled with God, not because I'm afraid of the alternative.

I know that was a bit rambly, so forgive me, but I hope that meant something to you, and maybe helped someone. As always, I would love to talk, you'll be hearing from me soon (I promise). Thanks guys!