Working With God

So this summer I have the amazing gift of being able to work and do ministry in Alaska  through A Christian Ministries in the National Parks with my mentor, and I am overjoyed about it. There are no words to describe how beautiful it is here, and honestly, the people are so so nice here, it's a very different culture from the cold New England attitude I come from.

But the best thing about this summer is how much I am learning about myself and God, and how God is working in my life. I really want to tell you about one of the things that has been working on my heart.

So the day after I got here, my mentor and I were walking around Anchorage, just talking and enjoying the area. And she told me about this concept that she had learned about this year, that she really wanted me to keep in mind while we worked together this summer.

The concept was the difference between being used by God, and working with God.

Think about it like this, would you want your boyfriend or friends or family to use you? No, that's not a healthy relationship, and it also implies that the other person is only in the relationship to get something out of it. That's not what our relationship with the Lord is supposed to look like.

When I have loved people, I have wanted the best for them, I have wanted them to get where they want to go in life, and I have wanted to help them achieve those things. But I have wanted to work with them to help them get there, not just be a stepping stool for them.

And I honestly believe that is what God wants out of His relationship with us too. We are called to spread the word about His love and Him, and show people Him. And at least personally there have really been times where I pretty much feel like I'm just supposed to be God's robot, none of me in my body doing anything, just Him. And to a point that's true, but I know I at least have a tendency to take that to too much of an extreme.  God gave each of us different personalities, and I think He did that for a reason.

Yes there is supposed to be WAY more of Him than our sinful selves in us, but there is supposed to be some of us. I don't think God put us on the earth with the thought "Okay Jeanette, here you are in the world, I'm making you different from everyone else, giving you your own gifts and unique things to love about you, you are like no one else. Now don't use any of those things I have given you to make you you in the world."

God is supposed to shine through us, but I think he made us like stained glass windows, each showing Him in a different light. Showing the same thing in different colors. Because I think everyone is blind to some colors, and they need the light to shine through a different one to see it fully. And even more importantly, all the different colors put together are what make the picture whole and beautiful.

I think it is really easy to want to have none of ourselves in us, and only God showing, because it is really easy for us to only see the horrible things about ourselves. But each of us have God's fingerprint on us, meaning there is something really special about each of us. And God wants to work with each one of His unique creations. If he simply wanted us to be nothing more than tools, He could have made us much easier to use.

But I think he doesn't want to use us, I think He wants to work with us.

And I think that's wicked awesome.

Happiness

So here's the thing, that I really never want to admit to people, but I think I want to tell you guys. I have depression, and pretty bad anxiety too. There have been times when it's intense debilitating anxiety or depression, and I've gone through most of my life trying to fight it, and most of the time, I will admit I lost that battle.

I remember the first time I told my best friend in college that I had depression, he told me to just be happy. Which, as you might guess, kind of ticked me off. I told him it's not a switch, but I would do my best to hide it better. I'm sure you've seen those posts on facebook or something similar where people sarcastically respond to comments like his with something like "oh. wow, thank you so much! I'm cured, I didn't know that I should just be happy, that makes all the difference!"

We say it's not a choice. Because it's not normally. We don't like to be upset, we don't like to hurt this much. If we could just be happy we would. But it's not a choice.

But recently, I've started questioning that. And before you get mad or upset, remember, I am someone who goes through depression and deals with it on the daily. I am someone who has literally felt the weight of depression pushing down on me. There have been times in my life where I prayed every day that God would take me home, because I couldn't take it anymore. I know what depression, what hopelessness, can feel like.

But I think in a way, happiness is a choice. I think just being happy, as in, waking up every morning joyful, that I don't think is a choice. That doesn't just happen to people. But I think the problem can sometimes be that we don't understand that happiness isn't just something we stumble upon, pick up, and never have to work at again.

Happiness is a fight.

And the choice we make is whether or not we are going to fight that fight.

But it's not a choice you just make once, and then you're good. It's not a one battle war. Every morning when you wake up you have to make the choice to fight.

And that's really scary... Trust me I know.

Excuse my language, but it royally sucks to find out that you can never stop fighting for happiness. To find out that once you find it, you don't just get it. It stinks that there are going to be times where the depression and hurt take over again, right when you feel like you've finally said goodbye for the last time, and you know you have to start fighting will all your might again.

But it's worth it, I promise. Fighting hard every day for joy is so much better than misery you've made yourself comfortable with.

When I was a freshman in high school, someone said to me for the first time that I was not trying to let go of my depression, or at least fighting it, because I was afraid of what anything else was like. I knew I was miserable where I was, but I was afraid of anything else. I was miserable but at least I knew how to handle what I was going through. At least I knew I could survive it. I was comfortable.

It took me a while to really realize how right she was. I wasn't looking to change anything, because I was afraid if I tried to stand up, the world would knock me over, and I wouldn't know how to recover. I was afraid to hope that there was anything else, because I did not want to get hurt when what I was hoping for did not work out for me.

I stayed in the hell I knew, because I was afraid that the heaven I was looking for was just a new hell.

But living in misery is no way to live either. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, and do something that terrifies you.

It could take a long time, and a really hard battle, but you just might find joy, and all the fighting will be worth it.

Promise.