What is love?

Alright guys, I'm sorry again, I don't mean to be sappy, but stick with this one... I think it might be a bit different from what you originally think. Or maybe not. You might hate it, not gonna lie... But give it a chance if you got some time on your hands.

Recently someone kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I don't really know what it means to have someone love me. (I KNOW. CALM DOWN.) What do I mean by that? Well my friend has said to me multiple times in the past few months that I need to stop acting like being loved means nothing. And I only recently realized I have no idea what it means to be loved. I know how to love people, and I do. I love a lot of people, so very much. But I don't think I actually know what the reverse of that is.

What does it mean to be loved? Well the ultimate example of an act of true love was Anna sacrificing herself for her sister Elsa. No I'm totally kidding, but Frozen was on the right track. Jesus laid down his life for every human who ever was and who ever would be. And He knew that so many of them were going to scorn Him.

...Ha I'm listening to music right now and Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson just came on. The first line of the chorus is "If you wanna know how far my love can go, just how deep, just how wide. If you wanna know how much you mean to me look at my hands, look at my sides."

Think about that for a second.

Jesus died for you because He loved you. He didn't die thinking "Oh okay alright. This stinks, but hey I'm saving a lot of people right now so. Ya know. It's chill." No. He died thinking about you. He knew you were going to fail Him countless times, and He still went through a crucifixion for you. If you wanna know exactly why I italicized that look up how you die when you're crucified sometime.It ain't pretty. And not only that, before He died for you, He left paradise to come here. For us. There actually isn't enough time or words to say just how much Jesus did for you.

For all humanity.

And humanity killed Him.

And He knew it was gonna happen.

And He did it anyways.

And even in death, He still prayed for us. (Luke 23:34)

That's Love.

And you're guaranteed to have it.

I'm still working on fully believing that humans could love me (and I do hope this post reaches someone who understands that feeling, so that you know you're not alone) and understanding what that means. I'll have to get back to you on that one. And I hope that if you feel the same way I do you're lucky enough to have friends like mine... who never give up on me, even when I don't understand.

But I do understand that a perfect being loves me. Not just because I'm a human and it's His job to, but because I am His daughter and... He's proud of me. He loves me and runs after me every time I run away. And that's no small thing. So stop writing it off.

Give this one a chance guys. ;P

      Alright, so I try hard not to be that girl, but this has kind of been playing on my heart for a few days. And to start off I want to say I will be using myself as an example, not to be sappy or anything else weird, but simply because I know myself best...So it's easy to write about me. Anyways. And boys this post isn't just for girls... you deserve this too. 

     So I'm 19, and almost all of my friends in one of my friend groups is married. So lately I've been thinking about what I would want in a husband (not because I'm ready to get married. Ohhh no. Thats a few years out.) I've had a list of what I want for a while, but especially in this past year that list has changed a ton. And if you're like me, not married yet, it's going to change for you quite a bit. I know some of the qualities I want in a man, but something new has started to become really clear to me recently. Obviously I want my husband to love me completely and make me believe he does every day (which... if my future husband is reading this... sorry in advance, that's gonna be hard to do. It's not you, it's me), but I realized I want my husband to love specific aspects of my character. I want him to love all of me, but... okay let me try to explain.

    Above all I want the man I marry to fall in love with me because of how in love with Christ I am. The most important thing in my relationship will always be God, and I want to find a husband through Him. It would be amazing to be pursued because this guy wants to know about my faith. I want to sit on a couch and just talk about how awesome God is with the man I'll spend my life with... I want the most attractive thing about me to be my faith. And I wanted you to read that first because honestly, that's the most important thing. Marry someone who loves you for who you are in Christ, and who wants to get to know you through your relationship with Him first.

    But... I also have something else to say... Christ is first, but here are some other things I want, and I think you should want something similar.

    I want to be beautiful in my husband's eye, but I don't want that to be why he loves me. I want to be beautiful because he loves me. I want him to love me because of my passion for music, and I want music to be so much better when we're listening or playing it together. I want him to love me because if we're driving somewhere and he keeps changing the station, odds are I will know the words to 90% of songs, no matter what genre (last night went from country, to classic rock, to a t swizzle song, to wonderwall (kids ask your parents) to screamo, back to country) after roughly .7 words, and I will sing along. I want him to love my stupid humor and share it with me (our love of dumb puns will get us through much). I want him to love me because of how loud and long I laugh at random YouTube videos, and I hope to watch tons of them with him. I hope one of the reasons he loves me is how much I love anime and how excited I get about all things Disney. I don't want him to love me enough to put up with all of my quirks, I want him to love me *because* of my quirks, see the difference?     

       I have good qualities that make me a good friend, and have made me a good girlfriend in the past, and will help me be a good wife in the future. But those qualities, like honesty, loyalty, and how much I care about others can be found in tons of people. What makes me special are the weird things about me that not everyone else has. I'm not that special because of my good qualities, I'm special because of my weird qualities. You know, I have been called perfect a total of one time in my lifetime, and I'm fairly certain that the person who called me it doesn't remember it at all. But I still remember it, and it still means a lot to me. Because that person didn't just know the good qualities that make me a nice person that's pleasant to be around. That person knew me better than anyone maybe ever has. They knew all of the things that make me crazy and weird and super strange. But they still called me perfect. The only person to call me perfect, called me perfect because of how unique my oddness is. You need to be proud of your good qualities, and bestow them on the world, because there's a reason God gave them to you and gave the world you in turn. But when looking for the person you're going to be spending your life with, you totally should be looking for that sweet, caring, trustworthy, devoted person they always talk about in the movies... But also look for the person who's weirdness is what makes you love them, and vice versa. God made you unique in so many ways, and you deserve to find someone who sees all of them, and loves you for them. We all have friends who love us and accept us for ourselves (hopefully) but, trust me, its amazing when you find someone who pretty much every time you learn something new about them... something strange... makes you fall in love with them just a little more.

      Girls, wait for the guy who falls in love with you because you made up onezee (I have no idea how to spell that at all) Wednesday, or run a philosophy twitter page. Guys, wait for the girl who falls in love with you because you get super intense about your video games, or you read Jane Austin novels. Plenty of people are going to love you because you're sweet, and protective, and funny, but choose the ones who love you for those things, but fall in love with you for the special things that make you you.

      Guys, wait for the person that you love, not because when you feel like you're 100% yourself they still accept you, but because they love you most when you're 100% yourself. 

Being alone

                So this actually started off as a post about something similar… but not the same, and then kinda morphed into this one… So it might start off seeming kind of quick and out of nowhere, but know, there was originally an intro.

At least for me when I am going through horrible things, generally I feel completely alone. Not always, but a lot of the time. My friends will try to be there, but they won’t fully understand, because honestly, how could they? Or there are times where I just won’t have anyone try to be there, for many valid reasons, whether I am hiding the pain from them or they’re not there physically and don’t know how to help. So I feel alone.

For me, pretty much this whole year has felt like one huge scar being ripped into my heart, painfully and slowly. In some of that ripping process I’ve had people be there, but for a lot of it I have been alone. And before you freak out, almost all of that was because I shoved everyone out in a major way. But a tiny part of it is because physically… I am alone. I have literally three or four friends who are still in the same state as I am. So I think of myself as alone in every way. Well… God doesn’t agree with me.

I think the best story I can tell you to illustrate this is actually from quite recently. It was one of the first times I was seeing pretty much any of my friends in a few weeks (no I am not exaggerating), one of the first times I was not physically alone… And I fell apart. I was surrounded by people (I was actually at a sports game… hundreds of people and quite a few friends) and I felt 100% alone.  I ended up walking away from the crowd, bursting into tears as soon as I was clear of the people, and pretty much yelling at God for letting me feel so lonely. I had all these people around me right then, but soon I’d be alone again. And in that moment, all I really wanted was a hug. But I was talking to God, standing alone in the freezing darkness, crying, feeling like it was never going to get better.

A few days later I was talking to a friend about my harsh reality of loneliness, and he just tilted his head, looked me in the eye, and said “But you’re not alone. You have me. You have your other friends. You are loved.”  Wow. I’m not alone, I have them. I’m loved. Maybe that doesn’t seem all that exciting to you, because everyone should know it, but for me, it meant a ton. This friend pretty much always knows exactly what to say, and when he said that I was certainly comforted, but I also realize he wasn’t the first one to say that to me.  That night I was crying alone? I think God was saying that to me. While I was yelling at Him, He was standing right there, begging me to hear Him.  While I was screaming about being alone in my pain, He was saying “But you’re not alone. You have me. I’m right here, I always am… I see your pain, I feel your pain, and I want nothing more than to help you through it. Jenny. I love you. I will always love you. Please, let me show you.” God is always right here with us, and that night when I was crying? He was catching every tear, and shedding His own for me. He will never let us be alone.

So yes. Physically I am alone most of the time, and that is extremely difficult, but I need to open my eyes to the fact that I am not really isolated. On one level I have those friends, the ones who always say the right thing, the ones who hug me and never seem to want to let go, the ones who make me tea, the ones who hit me in the face with a body pillow, and then cover me in a blanket, all of whom I know I could text and they would call me in an instant if it is at all possible for them to do so. But on a much deeper, more reliable level, I have God. He understands my pain, and He wants to go through that pain with me. Can you imagine? A perfect being wants to feel your pain, just so you won’t have to bear as much of it. And there I was, yelling at Him for letting me be alone. If that one friend had been there that night, maybe I would have felt better, but God had him say that a few days later to show me something big. God has given me all these people in my life, but they are not always going to be able to be there. And they are never going to understand exactly what I’m going through. God is. And the only way for me to hear that sometimes is for God to make me stand alone, in the dark, freezing, sobbing, screaming at him for putting me in this situation. The funny thing about that is… In order for me to yell at Him, I need to know He’s there. And I always do. Sometimes He gets me angry at Him just to remind me He’s never walking out on me.

Pretty cool huh?  

And this seems like the perfect time to share my life verse with y’all: Psalm 31:7: “I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.”. Hey, He knows the anguish of your soul… you're not alone... let Him in. 

As you go into this next year

1.         This was originally for some friends who were going into college this year, but I wanted to share with all y'all too. Hope it helps!

 

Y You are perfect the way you are, right now.

a.        God made you the way you are. He loves you the way that you are. Does that mean that you don’t need to change? Of course not. God gave us time to use. To show more people who our great and loving creator is. To get to know ourselves and God a bit more.  To become more like Him. We always have room to improve who we are and our faith. But God still loves us for who we are right now. He made us into the people we are right now, and He is proud of us. Don’t hate who you are. Know that you have things to improve on, but know that even through that, God still loves you as you are. Never hate yourself… Because if God can see the depths of your heart and love you the same… You have no reason to hate yourself either. And because of that…

b.        Don’t change yourself for anyone. Believe it or not, there are plenty of people out there who are going to see you and tell you to hide some of who you are. I know this isn’t going to do much… But they don’t matter. I know I know… everyone says that. But seriously. You can choose to focus on those people who do not see every amazing part of you… or you can focus on those people who see you for all of what you are, the good, and the bad, and love you just the way you are. Everyone is going to have something they don’t like about you, but people can have things they don’t like and still love you completely and unconditionally. It might sound insane… but they exist… and they would do anything for you. Find those people, and don’t let them go. Don’t run away from them. Let them be there for you. Focus on them. There is an amazing gift in someone who sees you for exactly who you are, and still loves you and never wants to give you up.

v      Song to listen to:

1.         Indescribable by Chris Tomlin

2.        All you’ve ever wanted by Casting Crowns

2.        You deserve to be happy.

a.        God did not put on this earth to be sad. He put us here to worship Him and spread His love. Every time you feel pain, God feels it right along there with you. He wants you to find joy and hope. There is literally nothing you can do that would make God love you less. God sent his one and only son to earth to die for us. He didn’t do that so we could suffer. He did that so we could live in the freedom that Christ brought us. We don’t have to live in guilt. God does not look at us and feel shame for who we are. Like I said before, He looks at us and what He feels is pride. You deserve happiness bud. Don’t let yourself feel anything different.  And just a little piece of advice… If you feel you have no reason to be happy… take a moment and look at the Creator you believe in. He would do anything for you. He loves you. He is not going to let you go through life only for pain. He is going to bring you somewhere wonderful… You just need to remember that.

b.        One last thing on this one… God does not see us in our sin and think that any of our sins are greater than anyone else’s. A sin is a sin is a sin is a sin. We all need the same amount of redemption, and we all don’t deserve it at all. And God is ready to give it to every one of us the same. And along those same lines, your pain is just as important as everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter what you are upset about, what matters is that you are in pain, and because you are in pain, so is God. Let God take some of that, trust me he hates to see you suffering. Give some of it to Him. And don’t forget that God gave you friends to help you through things. It is okay to lean on other people. You don’t have to do this alone. He doesn’t want you to go through life in a vacuum

v      Song to listen to

1.        You are more by Tenth Avenue North

2.        East to West by Casting Crowns

3.        You can help people.

a.        I know there will be times when someone close to you is hurting, and you want nothing more than to help them, but you have no idea how to. You might feel worthless to them, but hey, trust me you are not. There is always something you can do. Just listening, just being there for them, just giving them a hug, trust me when I say that can change someone’s life. But the best thing you can do? You can love them like Jesus loved you. Love can change so much, I know it’s a total cliché, but seriously showing someone how much you love them can change a life. Love them, and pray for them. God did not ask us to do anything different, He asked us to love Him and love others. Remind those around you of the love Jesus has for us by loving on them.

v      Song to listen to:

1.         Love them like Jesus by Casting Crowns

4.        You are worth it.

a.        I’m going to keep this one short, because I don’t want to get super overly repetitive, but you are completely worth it. And you know how I know that? Because Jesus Christ thought you were worth it. He died on a cross for you. Jesus loves you so much, and His love goes so very far. He suffered for you. He doesn’t want you to change who you are, He wants you exactly as you are. If He thought you were worth it… I can be pretty darn sure that you are worth it. Look, there will be times in life where you mess up and you hurt people. That doesn’t make your friendship or your presence in their lives any less worth it. Think about what you do to God every day. He knew you were going to hurt Him and doubt Him and turn away from Him. And He still died for you. He put you in these people’s lives for a reason, you bring so much more joy than you do pain. Don’t only focus on what you do wrong, see the joy and positive things you bring to other people’s lives. They love you. They want you in it... Don’t run away from them. Please.

v      Songs to listen to:

1.        Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson,

2.        Who am I by Casting Crowns

5.        You are the child of the King.

a.        Hey. If you ever think you are not important, remember whose child you are. God did not put you somewhere because He thought that it would be great to put an extra worthless body there. Not even close. God put you where you are because He has a plan for you. Whether you believe in predestination or not, God does have something in mind for you, and He is guiding you towards it. God put you where you are because you have a role He wants you to play. You are the best you for the job you were put there for. You are important. Try to see how special you are…everyone else can. If you feel like you can’t do it, ask God for help… He wouldn’t put you somewhere just to suffer. And hey if you are suffering… something is going to come out of it that you could never imagine. God doesn’t want us to suffer, He wouldn’t let it happen for nothing.

v      Song to listen to

1.        Remind me who I am by Matthew West

6.        You are loved, and you are not alone.

a.        You are so, so, so loved. You are loved by the people around you whose lives you touch. You are loved by people you minister to, however you are called to do that. You are loved by me… even if that doesn’t mean much to you or you don’t believe it. But most importantly, you are loved by the King. The creator who has no reason to love you. But He loves you more than anyone, and everyone on this planet could. You are so special, you are so loved. And God didn’t put us here to go through everything by ourselves. He’s here with us. He is walking on the same path you are, holding His hand out, begging you to take it. He would never put you through something He wouldn’t go through himself. He wants to go through this life with you, and He’s always there, even when you don’t believe it. And if you still feel alone… Look around you. God gave you people. They want to take some of it. They hate to see you hurting. They want to help. Please… let them help. God put them there for a reason. He doesn’t want you to take everyone else’s pain and not give anyone any of your own. He wants you to lean on these people He gave you. Don’t act as though there is no one. People love you. And they want to help you.

v      Song to Listen to

1.        Strong Enough by Matthew West

Extra Songs: Words I would say by the Sidewalk Prophets, Hosanna by Hillsong United

Signed,

                The person who will never forget, who is always here, and will never stop loving you.

The truth about your worth

Okay so here it is. This is for all of you out there who think of yourself as less than a 5. Everyone else is a 7 or above right? But you, no you are a 3. There is just so much wrong with you and you will never be as worthy of love as the people around you. This post is for you.

I never saw myself as more than a say… 4 if we want to stick with the rating system. Granted there are some days when I still think of myself that way, I don’t think there is anyone out there who always sees themselves as a ten (unless you are totally full of yourself. Which hey. You do you, I ain’t judging.) But for the first time in my life I can see who I really am. I’m beautiful and funny and smart and strong. And I’m not saying that to be arrogant, I just finally can say who I am without feeling like I’m bragging. It took me 19 years to get here, but I got here. And I wanted to share with you the single most important thing I learned along the way.

For 19 years I had people telling me over and over again how great I am. I had plenty of people telling me how horrible or ugly or fat I was too, but many more people telling me how wonderful I was. The thing was, the only people I believed were the people tearing me down. Recently I was talking to someone going through something similar to what I was and ended up saying “It’s amazing how far down words can throw you, but then they can do nothing to bring you back up.” She immediately agreed with me and we went on to talk about something different. I’m sure you guys know what I’m talking about. And that mentality right there, is what kept me as thinking of myself as a 4 for my whole life. Get ready for some clichés, that I completely promise you are totally true.

You know how everyone always says it doesn’t matter how much they build you up, because if you don’t see your worth for yourself, it won’t go anywhere. Well… yeah. If you don’t believe what the people around you are saying, you’re just going to think that they are lying to you. And then you’re going to think they are just pitying you and that’s why they are trying to build you up. And then you’re going to feel even worse about yourself. And yet we still look to other people to build us up. That is something I still don’t get. But I did it for almost two decades so… Looking to others to build up your self-esteem doesn’t work if you are not even willing to be open minded about yourself. For me, that’s all it took. I couldn’t just see myself as this great person right away, but I started to just be a little more open to what these people were saying. If so many people were telling me I was pretty, and smart, and strong, maybe, just maybe all of them were not just telling me the same lie over and over again. I started trying to see the me that they saw. It was not an overnight process, but each day it did get better. If all of these people who I loved and admired so much didn’t think I was worthless… maybe I shouldn’t either. But it took me being willing to actually see some good in myself first.

Look. I know everyone says it, you have to be able to see the good yourself before you’re going to believe it. But believe me when I say that’s true. Nothing anyone says will make you feel better about yourself if you don’t think there’s a reason to believe it. Take it from someone how always saw herself as a failure and a waste of space and air. You have to look to yourself for you self-worth. Not others, at least not at first.

At this point in my life, I don’t think I am more worthy of love than anyone else, but I finally see I am no less worthy of it than any of my amazing friends or teachers or anyone I have ever admired. I am so very broken, but so is everyone else. We are all broken, just in our own ways, and we are all amazing and beautiful and wonderful in our own ways. And we are all equally worthy of love. The trick is getting yourself to believing that. And I know one blog post by some random 19 year old isn’t going to change the hearts of many, but I’m hoping it will be a nudge in the right direction.

Guys, I’ve been there. I’m not just someone who has never really understood what you’re going through and is trying to tell you what works without really knowing if it does. This works. You have to see how amazing you are yourself. People can help you get there, but only if you let them. One of the most amazing people I’ve ever met thought they were worthless because they never let the fact that so many people loved them and cared for them sink in. Because they wouldn’t open themselves up to seeing what we saw. I’m not saying it’s easy, or even the whole journey, but it’s the first necessary step.

I don’t care if we have never spoken or we aren’t really friends or whatever our relationship is. I know you are worthy of love. Because *everyone* has something in them to love. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you.