Faithful in the Journey

              Hey y’all! How are you doing? I know it’s been a bit, but then again, I’m sure you are used to that by now. As an introduction to what’s been on my mind lately, I think I need to give you a brief update on my life. I basically graduated college a few months ago (got one more class to finish up, then come September I am officially done with undergrad!), and am currently on my way across country with my father to move me out there, so I can go live with my aunt for a year. Both of these things are exciting, but especially important backstory for this post because 1.) I started writing this to submit as a speech for my Baccalaureate, the theme of which was Faithful in the Journey, so keep in mind this is going to start off like a speech would, and 2.) it explains why in the world I’m moving across the country when I love the east coast. ‘Ight… Here goes nothing…

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My favorite movie of all time is Men in Black. If you haven’t seen it, you definitely need to finish reading this post (😊), and then go watch it. If you have not seen the movies, they are about this agency (the Men in Black) who work with aliens who have come to planet Earth to help them live "normal" lives, and keep the humans from finding out about it. Towards the start of the first movie, one of the main characters (Tommy Lee Jones, or K) is trying to open up the other main character (Will Smith, or J) to considering the possibility that aliens might exist. The line he says to accomplish this is “ Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow”.

To be honest, this line has always haunted me. I didn't like the idea that maybe the things I knew were not actually true, and it was likely even a lot of what I "knew" was going to be proven wrong soon. Realizing I didn't really "know" all that much started in college, when I  found myself facing seemingly endless hits to what I thought I knew. At the end of my freshman year this applied to what I thought I knew academically/logically, theologically, ect., which shook me. But by the end of my freshman year the attacks (or at least what felt like attacks) had moved onto what I thought I knew about what I was going to be doing with my life, and in what order. This was even harder than the logical hits (which I'll explain how I dealt with in a later post), because you see, little ol' me always had a plan, and that plan was what kept me going. I might not  have known exactly what was going to happen along the way, but I knew each mile-stone that I would be hitting, and when I would be hitting it. For example, when I started college I “knew” that I was going to be graduating in eight semesters, with a degree in Youth Ministry, after which I would go straight to Gordon Conwell to get my graduate degree, most likely in Youth Ministry as well, but maybe in religion. Oh yeah, and I wouldn’t be engaged, but I would be on my way there.

And yet, here I am four years later, almost done with my degree in Theology, after being forced to take a semester off for health reasons, moving to California (of all places… I hate the heat), for a gap year to figure out what exactly I want and where I want to go to school, and romantically very single (not that I’m exactly bothered by that, but I’m certainly in a different place then I thought I would be). None of this was in the plan, and if you had asked me even a year and a half ago if this is where I would be now, I would have emitted a single laugh and said very condescendingly “yeah, okay” (I’m working on it). I had a plan. I was going to stick with that plan. And it is important to note that when I made this plan, I was convinced it was God's too (I mean why wouldn't God want me to go to seminary?). 
Now, there have been two times in my life where I looked forward and saw only blackness. I don't mean that in a dark way, I simply just mean I couldn't see anything (I'm speaking literally here). I had no idea what was to come next. One of them was when I was forced to take a semester off from school, which was so never in the plan. The other was when I found out I wouldn't be going to grad school this coming year. I was lost and disappointed, and had no plan to follow, and no idea where to turn. I think my first reaction was actually to pray that the world would just stop for a few days, just so I could figure everything out. When that didn’t work I asked God over and over again to give me an extremely clear sign of which path I should be taking". 
When neither of those things worked, God helped me to look for the next tiny step, instead of the whole path, and take it. And in this case, the next step was moving to California for a year to be with my family. I know what you're thinking, that's really not a tiny step, but in the grand scheme of things, it really is. So many people have asked me what I'm going to be doing when I'm out here, and much to my pain, the answer has always been "I'm not totally sure yet", not because I have not been trying to figure it out. Moving to Cali made no sense to me at all; everything I know is on the east coast, my immediate family is not exactly thrilled about it, and I had no plan beyond that. But for some reason, even though I'm on a different coast, with no job, and people who I love and share blood with, but do not really know yet, and not a ton of money, I'm confident this is where I'm supposed to be. When I was falling apart, because my plan did, totally lost and confused, the door opened up for me to come here, I felt a call, and even though for the first time in my life I had no plan, I had peace in coming here. And I know that peace could not have come from me.
Through it all, there is only one thing I will always know, today, tomorrow, and every day to come: God is here, and God cares. I want to follow God where ever God leads me, because in the end, God is the only thing I know with complete and utter confidence to be true. So I will follow God where God calls me, even when God asks me to do something I think is totally crazy. And I am out here, with no plan, not freaking out, solely because I know wherever I find myself, God is going to be there, and God will always have my back. When everything I think I know falls apart around me, God is the one thing I can lean on.

It is not easy, and I still struggle with it, but something a friend told me recently has really helped. He told me  he started believing in God’s plan when he started living his life, instead of thinking about it all the time, and that in order to live without a plan is by taking each step at a time, knowing you're already living one out. I know God will always be faithful in my journey, and the best life I know to live is one that is faithful to Him along the way. I don't know what I'm going to know tomorrow, and I don't want to live by what I think is true. I want to live following the one thing I know to be true. And even though it's confusing, it's not scary anymore, because I know there is not a single step I will take that God is not holding my hand.

Fear is a Liar.

I have talked about fear on here a little before, mostly specific fears and what God has told me to help me through them, but today God's teaching me a little something about fear in general. I doubt this post is going to be very long, because I don't have a ton to say, but I wanted to share it anyways. I hope that's okay :). 

As with everyone, my whole life there have been so many things I have been afraid of, and often I just turn to my defense mechanisms to deal with them. For me, I have a few go-to defense mechanisms I like to use. When it comes to being afraid of people hurting me in relationships, I just tell myself that they never cared and shut down my heart (dang, that feels so awful admitting). When it comes to losing people, I just remind myself that there was a time I never had them. Complain about people and things when they annoy me. When it comes to just about anything else anger and sarcasm work really well. And yes, each and every one of these things hurt the people I care about around me, and no, they hardly ever helped, but I never stopped them. I could say I didn't know what else to do, but the truth is I just never wanted to try something different.

But the thing is, when I let defense mechanisms run my life, which I did this year, because I found it was just easier to be angry all the time, I become the worse version of myself. And that's who I have been for the last year at least. There's no other way to say it, I've been a cold-hearted jerk, who hurt the people she cares about all the time, especially when she is struggling with something. I was the person I promised myself I would never become, and I can only look back on it with shame and pray for forgiveness for it. 

In these past two weeks I have finally reached the point where I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to hurt the people around me anymore. I don't to be sarcastic, I don't want to push people away, I don't want to shut down. I have hurt too many people I really care about, and my sister and I have made my house too much of a war-zone. 

So I started talking to God more this last week, started reading my Bible more again, and for the first time in a long time, I felt fairly peaceful and happy. My mom even mentioned it when I called her to ask her about something. But really quickly that was put to the test, and the past few days I've been struggling through something that has brought up some past pain and a whole lot of fear. Almost instantly I felt myself shutting down, running to hide behind my defense mechanisms. And then I saw myself reverting back to the person I had just started walking away from. I got really angry at something very, very stupid, and wasn't very far away from taking it out on my family. Thankfully God reminded me to take a step back in both of those instances, and helped me to choose to do something different. I didn't shut down, I spoke up, and instead of getting angry, I prayed God would help me through the situation as gracefully and loving(ly(?)) as possible. Now I want this to be very clear: it was not me who did that. God did. But dang, what a difference it has made. 

My sister is actually shocked at how I am handling the situation, and I think for the first time in maybe 8 years we've gone 3 days so far without fighting. I see the person I once knew I could be coming out, I think mostly because though I am still dealing with that thing, I am not letting myself turn to these unhealthy habits, and instead turning to God with the pain and fear. It's literally changing my whole personality.  I can't say I'm not upset right now, or hurt, or scared, but I feel so calm. So much calmer than I ever do with my defense mechanisms, even though when I turn to them I tend to bury those painful feelings, so I don't feel them as much. I don't know if I would say I feel happier than I do when I turn to defense mechanisms, but I know that will come, and I certainly am more hopeful and joyful. It honestly feels so much easier than turning to my defense mechanisms as well, because it's actually working. God's not pushing me on taking the things that are hurting, I don't have to work at it. 

Turning to God with our pain does not mean it's just going to go away, but it does mean you will not be alone in dealing with it. I don't want to run from my fear, I want to run towards God with my fear. Even though right now my mom (who probably knows me better than anyone else in this world) knows I'm struggling with something, she also can see I'm more at peace than I have been in a long time. And I am, because even though I don't know what's going to happen with this situation, or with my life in the next month, or year, or ten, I know God will always have my back, and will always be happy to carry my burdens. I don't have to be alone in these feelings. They're not fun, but they make me a better person, I've noticed it already even though it's only been a few days. 

All this to say, I know how terrifying it can be to turn to something other than what you have always known when you are scared or in pain, but I promise there is another way, and a much better way. And you're not alone. I am praying for you all, and I love you all. If you know me, you can reach out to me to talk about it if you want, if you don't, turn to a friend you really trust. You are so very loved, and you are so very strong. If you let God hold your fear and pain, so much of your life will be affected. Because when we give God the bad things, it is so much easier to see Him, and share with Him the good things.