A Night in the Life of My Depression

There's this feeling inside me. The only way I can think of to define it is that it is a heavy, straining... emptiness.

It may be emptiness but it makes me feel like I either need to scream or explode. I want to do nothing but curl up in the back of my car, perhaps the only place I can be alone, and cry.

There is a voice haunting me, maybe it is my own, or maybe like Jesus said there is an enemy of my soul out to get me and that is what I am fighting this battle with now.

I am a failure it tells me. They don't want me around, they are simply too polite to say anything else. I should know enough to just stop going, that would be better for everyone.

I start the night out cold and reserved, as I think they would want it, and I believe is best for me, but by the end I have opened up, am laughing and joking around like I used to. But as soon as I get in the car to drive away this emptiness overtakes me again. I have messed up, I have shown them my true self, something they clearly don't want to see. I am drowning in the belief they must truly hate me and can't wait for me to be gone.

I wish I could just run away.

So I try reaching out to some friends, but before I can even get their voicemail I stop, realizing I don't even know what I want to say to them. I probably just want to complain, as I always do, which will only drive them away too.

I wish someone could see that there's something wrong, but I know I hide it, and if I were to open up to anyone I would walk away terrified they would just leave me too anyways. I'm lost.

So I start praying. At first I ask God to help me shut down, like I used to. I ask God if I can get better at hiding things, at closing people out. But then I remember that's not what God wants for God's children. Not for the people I was meant to love, not for me.

Tears start falling as I cry out to God, with no real words, just pain, and fear, and brokenness.

God I don't want to be like this.  I want to love people right. I want to let myself be loved right. I don't want to miss out on you, or your people, or any part of the plan you had for me or them. I don't want to believe the worst of my brothers and sisters, and I don't want to believe the worst of me.

When I get home someone does see that something's wrong--my mom. She listens to what I'm speaking through tears, hugs me and prays that Jesus will touch her Jenny. She tells me none of it is true, that I am just afraid, of being hurt and of hurting other people. I'm afraid I'm worthless, but I'm not. I'm afraid I will never make a difference in anyone's life, but that has already been proven false dozens of times.

When this sinks in, I start talking to someone else, someone who (might be too charismatic, but oh well, sorry) I'm pretty sure is behind the voice haunting me.

You don't control me. You don't get to use my brothers and my sisters against me. You don't get them to keep me from being the woman I was meant to be. You can't use my fears because they do not, and will never, rule me. You with NEVER win against my God. My God loves me, my God wants more for me. My God is with me and will fight the battle with me every moment I am stuck in it, and you will always lose. There will be more, but I know my God will beat you every time. So I am ready for this war, finally, and I know I am on the winning side.

We are ready, are you?

One Day Too Late

I almost died last week. I was driving the car that could have killed someone last week.

Okay, let me explain. Last week I was driving down to see some friends in a different state. The weather was awful, complete downpour, the highways were flooding. I wasn't really thinking much of it to be honest, I was more annoyed by the insane traffic that was adding an hour onto my 5 hour trip. Then, finally, the traffic cleared up a bit. For the first time in two hours there was a decent amount of space between cars, and I was quite happy about that.

It was like this for about five minutes when I watched a white car in the far left lane try to merge right (I assume that's what he was doing), and hydroplane. He spun across three lanes of traffic, and ended up sideways in mine, the far right lane, only about ten car lengths in front of me. I saw his face, my car was going towards him, I was slowing down but I couldn't slam the breaks--there was tons of water on the ground, I would have lost control too. Then, somehow, the car spun back across the three lanes of traffic, ended up stopped, on the shoulder, facing the wrong direction. Somehow, no one got hurt. Somehow no car came out with even a scratch. Somehow.

Needless to say I was a little shaken, and yes, tears did start flowing from my eyes. I have never been that scared in my life. I probably should have stopped, but instead I slowed down much slower than the speed limit and kept driving, because at that point I really just needed to be with someone. I needed a hug, so I kept going. The sun came out and the roads got dry literally 10 minutes after this happened, and I felt much better about driving, though I was certainly still scared.

So I started praying. I didn't even know what to say, besides thank you, thank you, thank you, for the many odd coincidences that had me driving my moms car that could handle that weather rather than mine that couldn't. Thank you for giving me another day. Thank you that no one got hurt, thank you for protecting everyone. Thank you for not letting my car kill that man.

Hey, I'm 21. I think I'm invincible. I am not. That almost crash proved I am not.

I think the first thing I thought about was my family and friends. I hadn't said goodbye or I love you to my brother or sister in ages. I only said I love you to my mom because as I was walking out I got  a weird feeling that I should say it because something might happen that weekend (yeah I know. It's creepy). I don't remember if I told my dad. And my friends? Definitely have not been good at keeping in contact with them this summer and letting them know how much they mean to me. And I almost did not have a chance to again. I thanked God for giving me another opportunity to love them, and apologized for not loving my brothers and sisters constantly the way they should be.

Then I started thinking about my relationship with God.

Last year I did a project on Julian of Norwich with a friend. In case you don't know (I'm guessing you don't) Julian of Norwich was a mystic, and is now a saint. I don't have time to go into her story as fully as I like to, but here's the important part: When Julian was a young woman she got incredibly sick and almost died. She writes in her book that when she realized she was going to die, she got sad. But she wasn't sad because she was going to be dying, she was sad that she wasn't about to get to know and serve God better in this life. I did not really understand this at that point in my life.

I got that last week. As I was talking to God, I finally began to apologize. "God, I am so not what you made me to be. God I am sorry I don't know you better, I'm sorry I have not shown you to others as well as I should. I am sorry I have wasted this life. I'm sorry I life every day as though there's another one coming tomorrow and I use that as an excuse not to try that hard." It hit me so hard that I hardly know God, and I have had the chance to know God and show God to others for 21 years, and far, far too often have I failed at that.

I don't read my bible enough. I don't pray enough. I don't pray for others out loud enough. I don't. And I think somewhere deep inside of me I think that someday I'm just going to magically get better at it and then it will be fine and everything before that won't really matter. So living the way I do is fine. I'm only 21. I got time.

But I might not. To be honest, even if I do, why am I allowing myself to miss out on living this God consciously walking beside God now? I know life is more joyful and better that way. What am I doing? 

I am not the sister, daughter, or friend I want to be. I do not love people like Jesus, and I tell myself I'll have more time to. I do not serve God the way God made me to. And I have missed out on so very much.

Look I'm not writing this to scare you, or say you need to go into every day terrified it's your last. Don't be driven by fear or anxiety. Be driven by the fact you have a God that loves you, and every day you wake up God wants to do that day with you. Every day is truly a gift (again, I know, a cliche, stick with me), and every day is another day to serve God. Don't go into every day scared it's your last, go into every day joyful you have another one.

So read your bible more. Talk to God more. Try harder in your friendships, tell your family and friends how much they mean to you. If you're holding a grudge, talk to whoever it's at about it. Don't take your anger out on someone who doesn't deserve and not apologize. Don't pretend tomorrow is a better day to be an ambassador of Christ than today.

I know this is somewhat morbid and I apologize for that, but I wanted to share with you what I learned. Thank you for reading my posts, and thank you to everyone who has encouraged me in writing. You don't know how much you mean to me and I hate that you don't. If you're a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, know that I am sorry and I love you. I really do.

I love you guys, you are all seriously amazing. Thank you.

Not so Plain Old New England

Last summer I cried every single day. I felt with each passing day came another uphill battle, and I wondered if I was ever going to get better. I felt I must be weak and broken if I was having such a struggle to just be happy.

Because of last summer I became a new person. I went into the summer angry, negative, and completely ungrateful for way too much. I came out someone who was much more positive, caring, hopeful, and trusting.

Last summer I allowed myself to listen and be changed by God, truly, for the first time.

For those of you who don't know, I spent last summer in Alaska. Some of what I just said might seem to make sense to you now, because as one of my favorite professors once said "things happen in Alaska!". Alaska is a crazy beautiful place, and it feels almost magical when you get there (I describe it a bit more in my post "Losing God" if you're interested...this post is going to be somewhat similar to that one, just a warning). Things... things just happen in Alaska, people are changed in Alaska, that just goes with the nature of being Alaska. If you ever want to know the details, ask me about it sometime, I'd love to talk about it with you. But right now I want to focus on something a little different.

So when I left, everything felt a bit like a let down. I was going back to the plain old lower 48, and I knew going into it I was going to lose some of what I had gained. After all, I was leaving Alaska, the place where things happen.

Slowly over the course of the year I lost the woman I had become in Alaska. I went back to being negative, to neglecting my time in the Bible and with God, I started closing up again, I began to see only the worst in myself. Hopefully I was not back to the way I had been at the end of the year leading into my Alaskan summer, but I certainly had gone back a few steps.

And you know what? I think I almost believed it was because of where I was. I was back in the boring place I went to school, back to the town I grew up in--of course that was not it at all, but I'll get back to that in a bit.

This summer is the first summer since I started college that I will be spending at home. Back in plain old New England, surrounded by people who have known me since I was born and, yes, a few new people. And I'm pretty sure because I came back here I had this idea in my mind that this summer was in no way going to change me. I've spent 21 years of my life here, what amazing thing could possibly happen that would transform me the way the summer before had? I don't believe I really thought God would be moving much in this place, or that God ever does.

Then God reminded me of something.

The other day I was watching the sky, procrastinating as I often do, and I realized something. New England is beautiful. The sunrises and sunsets, the trees in the fall, the animals in the summer, the stars at night, they are all so, so beautiful. Looking around here makes it so clear God is an artist, something I first thought of while I was in Alaska.

Every day in Alaska I looked around and marveled at how the hands that made the mountains and sea around me had also made me. The other day I realized the same hands that make the beautiful sights around me (and yes, they are just as beautiful, just a little bit different), made the ones in Alaska, and me.

The other day I realized I don't think God is as present in some places as God is in others. I didn't expect to find God here, at home, because I did not see anything special about it. I expected this summer to just be "normal" as the rest of my life is, so I did not even open up my heart to be moved by God.

I think we often think God needs to work in these huge and crazy ways to actually make a difference. When we are surrounded by things we see as "normal", we don't expect to find God, so we do not look for God. We do not open ourselves up to God. Going into this summer I did not expect anything big or exciting to happen, so I prepared myself to go a summer unchanged. And in doing that I think my heart started to become unchangeable.

What a waste! What a complete misunderstand of who God is. And I can't believe I even let a few weeks pass like that (though, if we're honest, I've probably been in this mindset since I left AK). It wasn't the physical location I was in God was unable to move in, it was in my cemented and stubborn heart.

And dang. I am so so sorry about that. I am sorry to the people who have watched me become negative. I am sorry to the people who have tried to help me see the positive side of things, and just been shut down. And I am so sorry to my God who knew I always had the potential to do something big, even when I truly believed God couldn't. Because of something as stupid a physical location.

Yes, I am not spending this summer in Alaska, I am not doing anything overly "exciting" like working at a whale watching company where I get to go on free tours whenever I can, with people who are amazing in ways I can't even start to fit in this sentence. But hey. I am spending the summer in New England, doing some pretty mundane but wicked awesome things, with some pretty fantastic people, some old, some new. And God is going to move in my heart. Because I am going to be looking for God every day. I am going to be fighting for God, I am going to be fighting to be the woman God made me to be.

Even in plain old New England. And I hope that if you find yourself somewhere you think is boring, you do too.

Hey as always, I'll be praying for you guys, remember you are loved, I'll talk to you soon :-).

As yourself

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with my father a few years ago a lot lately. It was two years ago, and I was working my way out of the lowest low I had ever (and have ever so far) felt. We must have been talking about my opinion of myself because the only thing I remember vividly from the conversation is the very end of it.

My father looked at me and seemingly randomly asked me what the second greatest commandment was. A little startled I responded quickly that it is to love your neighbor as yourself. He gave me a second to think, and then repeated what I had said.

"Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your neighbor as yourself Jenny."

Very confused, and a little hurt, as I have always tried to put my neighbor before me, I just stared at him blankly for a few seconds.

"Love your neighbor as yourself Jenny."

After the third time I finally asked him what his point could possibly be, fairly exasperated and feeling a bit frustrated at that teachers (my father is a teacher) always seem to want you to come up with your own answer, even when they ask senseless questions. Or in this case, don't even ask questions at all.

"Jenny, how are you supposed to love your neighbor as yourself if you hate yourself? Because I'm pretty sure Jesus did not mean you were supposed to hate them."


Wow.


That hit me pretty hard. I remember the conversation ended there for no reason other than I had absolutely no response to that. Yes, we are told in many different places in the Bible that we are to put others before ourselves, but I can't think of anywhere that says we are supposed to love others more than we are supposed to love ourselves. And I had completely missed that.

This idea got pounded into my skull even more a few months later when I was watching a project someone had done on the life of a saint (sadly I cannot remember which one). That group said the saint had seen humans as God's masterpiece. That changed my perspective on looking at other people certainly, but I also was reminded that I was a human too. God had made me too. I was a masterpiece too.

Recently I watched a new anime (yeah I know. Judge all you want, I ain't ashamed) where one of the characters went out of his way to do everything he could for other people, even when it was most likely going to kill him. He wanted to save everyone but himself, and the other characters told him he was a hypocrite because of it. To be honest I was pretty surprised by that because you just don't see people putting down that mindset...well ever, and to be honest I don't know if I completely agree with them to the extent they were taking it, but it did certainly make me think a bit.

Does wanting to save others with zero regard for your own life really make you a hypocrite? The conclusion I have come to is it depends on your motivation behind it. I believe the issue comes in when you want to save other people at any cost because you see them a human who deserves to be saved because they are God's masterpiece (or if you're not religious, simply they are a human), and you think you are less than they are. You think everyone deserves to be saved except for yourself, because somehow, you are less than everyone else.

Hey, let me tell you something. We have a God who loves us immensely, and sees us all as nothing other than His beloved children. I know many  people hate the song Good Good Father at this point because it has been so over played, but there is one line I think we all need to hear over and over again. It's "...and I am loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am". Well I mean it's who we are, but I'll let this one slide for now. I am loved by God, and that is who I am. Think about that for a second.

We are not our past, present, future, or any of the mistakes that lie within them. We are not our accomplishments. We are not the scars that will forever be a part of us. We are loved by God, we are part of a family that is forever loved and claimed by God, and that is all that matters.

What I'm trying to say is this: you are not less than anyone, and God does not see you as less than anyone. You deserve just as much love and care as your friends and those you want to protect do. You, just like them, are a masterpiece of God, and it is perfectly okay, and actually quite good, to acknowledge and boast in that. It is not selfish, it is taking care of a part of God's creation--you.

I also believe another reason so many good people think so poorly of themselves is because they think in order to actually be a good person, or a good christian, they are not allowed to love themselves. I don't really know why this is a thing, but I have certainly felt that way before, and I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one. We believe we should not give ourselves time to take care of us, or we should not allow ourselves to vent or cry or anything, because it's time we should be using to help someone else. We feel like if we love ourselves we are doing something wrong, because we should be constantly working on ourselves and trying to be more like God, and to do that we need to know we are are not perfect.


But we don't think other people need to be perfect to be good do we? Often we wish our friends could just see the good in themselves and love themselves the way we love them, right? We know sometimes our friends can't help themselves and we don't want them to feel like they have to go through it alone. We are there for them, and they were not made to go through this life miserable. There are so many things we think our friends deserve more than we do, don't we? I wonder what God thinks about that. I bet He is happy we are looking out for His children, but I wonder if it breaks His heart to see we have forgotten we are His child too.


Don't think of yourself insignificant or unimportant, because you God's creation, and you are putting part of His creation down. And I know you've probably heard that before, but try to think about it like this. God boasts in you, God is proud of you, God wants to take care of you and protect you, God loves you. Certainly God sees our mistakes and I do truly believe we hurt Him sometimes, but He loves us and does not believe we should be given up on because of it. We can feel that way about ourselves as well. We can love ourselves. We can take care of ourselves, even if it means once in a while we can't help someone else out for a brief amount of time. It's not selfish. It's taking care of the gift God gave you with this life, with this body, with this time. Remember that.

So I want to leave with this piece of advice. Never forget to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. Never forget to love your neighbor and look out for them. But never forget to love yourself as you would love your neighbor as well. Never more, but never less. You are just as loved and as worthy as they are.

And let me tell you a secret, they probably think you are much more worthy than they are too. You are loved. Remind yourself of that.

Hey, I hope that was helpful for someone, I love you, and I'm praying for you.