Sick of Shame

Hey y’all. It’s been a hard few months for me, and the war against depression and anxiety has had quite a few losing battles lately. Honestly though, I’ve somehow been fairly joyful through it, even on the days I couldn’t bear to smile. But a few days ago I broke down. And then I really broke down, because I realized I wasn’t okay, and I felt so very weak. I knew I have not been able to pour into people much lately, and I haven’t been able to be there for them, I’ve had to ask for a lot of help, and that’s what really broke me. I felt like not being okay meant I was to be too much of a burden on those around me, and maybe the best thing I could do for them was just step out of their lives. But the next day God reminded me what God thinks of my weaknesses, and it changed a lot. I wanted to share it with you guys.

I'll be honest, I sat down to write this post at least 6 different times, and could never finish it. I think the biggest issue with writing was each time I was focusing too much on one emotion. I've been fighting with hurt, anger, hopelessness, all the while holding onto the hope that God showed me. This is my attempt to be true to each of those. 

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Ugly,

Weak,

Useless,

Unlovable.

How could I be anything else,

When depression and anxiety take over,

And I have to ask for help,

Just to feel even a little okay?

Why would anyone want

Someone as broken,

As helpless,

As me?

Does it matter

That I’m trying?

That I loathe this,

Just as much as you do?

I know,

It’s hard to deal with me.

It’s hard to be there for me.

That you deserve better.

But still,

Don’t I deserve better

Too?

Why

Do I have to be ashamed

Of who I am?

I shouldn’t have to hide my pain,

Pretend my mental illnesses don’t exist,

To feel like I’m worthy of love.

Do you know that I hate who I am right now?

That I’m deeply ashamed?

That I think you’re better off without me?

Do you know that every time I pray,

All I want to do is scream?

I have tried so hard,

To be happy all the time,

To be easy to love.

But still,

It never seems to be enough.

No matter how much I love and fight,

In the end I’m always shown I’m not worth fighting for.

My weaknesses

Render me unworthy.

I don’t know if

Anyone could want someone as needy as me.

Am I really worse,

Than other people with my illnesses?

Will I ever get completely better?

Or will I always have breakdowns?

If I’m not perfect,

Does that mean I’m not trying hard enough?

If I’ll never get over this,

Should I just save people the burden of knowing me?

How could God ever be proud,

Of someone as weak as me?

What does God have to say about me?

Somehow God is proud.

God not only says I’m worthy,

But proved it by coming,

Living and dying in this broken world,

For me.

To God,

Weaknesses should not bring shame,

But should be boasted in.

Weaknesses don’t make us ugly,

They make us unfathomably beautiful.

Because with God,

Our cracks don’t make us useless,

Unable to fulfill our purpose.

But instead they are openings,

For God’s power to shine through.

Almost unbelievably,

God says

Having weaknesses,

Doesn’t have to mean we are weak.

They can be where we are strongest.

God’s power is made perfect

In our weakness.

That means through our broken pieces,

The greatest force that exists,

Becomes whole.

When we believe

Our weaknesses are what make us lesser,

It is not God’s voice we are listening to.

When we look in the mirror and think “ugly”,

We are buying into a lie.

So stop being ashamed.

Stop thinking you don’t deserve love.

Stop listening to the wrong voice.

Try to see yourself as God sees you.

Try to see your weaknesses as God sees them.

Not as ugly, needing to be hid away.

But beautiful, worthy, and priceless,

Always cherished by God.

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Guys I love all of you so much, but more importantly, God loves each of you so, so much, and you are all worthy of it, no matter what you believe. God believes something different. Never forget that.