Losing God

“I never knew there was so much green in the whole universe...” This line from Rey in The Force Awakens, and the look that Han Solo gives to her right after she said it was one of my arguments to my best friend as to why he must know who she is. It was a look of guilt. Since then my opinions have changed, and I’ve come to the conclusion that that look was not one of guilt, it was simply one of sadness for this girl, who found unbelievable beauty in something so ordinary for him. She couldn’t fathom it, it was beautiful to her, and he thought of it as a normal every-day thing.

But no, this post is not about Star Wars and who I think Rey is, though I could certainly go on for hours about that. So worry not my non-star-wars-loving friends. This is about something much bigger.

I had my own experience that was similar to Han’s when I went to Alaska and went for a hike with a couple from Denver and two boys from Ohio this summer.

After the most perfect day I could ever imagine, my friends and I settled at the top of a mountain to spend the night. It was towards the end of the summer, so the sun did go down eventually, around eleven o’clock that night, and the stars came out. And these two guys from Ohio were put in absolute awe. They had never seen so many stars... They didn’t even really know that there were that many stars out there. Me, being from a place where light pollution is not all that dominate, was not surprised by the stars, and while I thought they were beautiful, I did not really see it as something from God... until they forced me to remember how special a sky full of stars is, how much of a gift it is-that small look into how beautiful God is.

When I first got to Alaska the views literally made me cry... To look at mountains that looked like someone had photoshopped them and placed them right next to the building I was living in. To look at water that was crystal clear and filled with playful otters and sea lions and seals, and oh yeah, giant whales. To walk out on the gloomiest of days and still be able to see just how beautiful God had made this place... When I first got to Alaska everywhere I looked I could see Christ.

But by the end of my time there, three and a half months later, I was not quite as speechless, as astonished or humbled as I had been before. I did not walk out of my room every day and think to myself “The hands that made that, thought you were worth taking the time to make too. The creator that can move those mountains, walks with you every day. He made that for you.”

We lose sight of God in the things that become ordinary to us.

There is a never ending list of the blessings that God has poured out upon me that I either have forgotten isn’t a right to me (a bed to sleep in at night, food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear, ways to communicate with my family and friends), or have found a way to complain about (warmth, water falling from the sky, schoolwork). I forget that these “simple” things are things that people in this world have literally killed for, and I get them with no struggle at all.

That’s God. And I miss Him in all of these things Every. Day.

My freshman year of college was rough for me, and I found myself asking God where He was on a regular basis. The answer is in everything good that was surrounding me. He is in the trees that give us air to breath and the grass that I love to lay in. He is in the friendships that have saved my life. He is in my friend’s dancing, their laughter, their music (think for a second about the fact that some people have never heard music... I do not know what I would do if I lost the ability to hear music). God is everywhere, He is in everything good, and we are surrounded by good things every day, sometimes we just have to remind ourselves of that.

I do not want to look at the life God has saturated with blessings every day and miss the most important part, because I am so used to it. I want to look around and see God and be thankful and joyful that my Lord is everywhere. That He chooses to give me things.

I do not want to lose the amazement that Rey, and those boys from Ohio had when they saw something beautiful for the first time, just because I am so blessed to be used to it.

Think about it like this for a moment, I know at least for me, when I see my best friends, even if I had just seen them an hour ago, I get so happy, and a smile almost always comes to my face. Even if I live with them and see them All. The. Time. I (almost) never get sick of their beauty or stop seeing it (which is another blessing from God). Obviously I have my bad days, and I apologize to those of you I have taken for granted and do not show you how special you are to me anymore. But I’m working on it.

Well I want to be like that with God. I want to be in awe of His beauty every time I see Him. I never want to take His glory and goodness for granted. I never want to lose sight of Him.

So I need to remember He is in everything good. He is in “ordinary” things that I take for granted, just as much as He is in amazing things.

And I hope you will too.

My Fear

I have this fear. I think it's a common fear, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with, or anyone else who has it. I will say that knowing I'm not alone in my fear certainly helps me feel encouraged, but it doesn't change it.

I fear being completely alone in the end. I fear that once people get bored with me, they'll leave. I fear that once people are out of my life physically, they'll forget me (I've always said I'm an out of sight, out of mind type of person). I fear that people who do stay, do so out of obligation. I fear that I'm someone no one could care about enough to put in the effort to remember.

So I've lived my life in a way that I can protect myself, in case my fear is actually a reality. While I'm open about most everything in my life, I hold people at a distance. While I'll pretty much tell you about any of my problems, or anything that's gone on in my life, the second you try to support me in them, I honestly need to fight pretty hard to not run away from you. I will never ask for help in fear I'll annoy you by needing it. I won't tell you something awesome that has happened, some way God worked in my life that I'm excited about, because I'm afraid you wouldn't care, and it would just be a burden to you. Or, maybe you'd come back with a cold response, and I'll realize how stupid I am. I'm afraid you were lying when you said you'd always be there, or you will regret offering. I'm afraid you would never want to just talk to me, so I never start a conversation, even though I'm dying to talk to you.

So from the moment I meet you, I live like you're going to leave me. That's fairly surprising to most people, because I am so open, people believe I'm really vulnerable... But trust me when I tell you there has only been a handful of people I can think of that I have treated like I wasn't afraid of them leaving me. And I was either dating or related to more than half of them.

But I've met some people this summer who have made me re-think that... Made me want to not live in fear anymore. Because if I had done that with them... I would have missed out on some seriously amazing people.

Before I go on, I do want to make it clear that I don't feel like I need to let my walls down for everyone. Or that the only way to achieve what I'm going to be striving for is by letting everyone all the way in. Because I don't believe that at all. I just... think at least I need to work on letting more people in, really in.

But I don't want to miss out on anyone else, or anything else because I'm afraid. I think I realized that when I believe people are going to be gone in a few days, weeks, or even years (yeah that's right. I've put up really thick walls because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose people in years) I spend my time not letting them get too close, because I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it when they leave, which I miss out on the blessing that is them for however long I get them. Which with every person I met this summer, I knew was probably going to be a short time. I got to know some really amazing people, and I learned quite a bit about myself this summer because I didn't let fear control me, and I slowly learned to live in the moment in my relationships. Instead of bracing myself for the pain they will bring me in the future, for the first time in my life, I was able to take joy in just knowing them in the moment.

I also think my fear has kept me from loving people completely.

One of the things I regret the most was seriously hurting someone who was really important to me, because I did not let myself believe he cared about me enough for me to be able to hurt him. (Pretty messed up, I know). I never want to do that again. I want to treat people like I want them to have a place in my life, and my heart forever, if they want it... Not like there's no chance they would stick around.

I want to love people like Jesus, the man who got crucified for billions of people who were going to turn around and spit in His face, who were going to break His heart, over and over and over again.

And fear of needing to put my heart back together again is keeping me from doing that.

So, I'm sorry to those of you I've missed out on. I'm sorry to those of you who I've put a brick wall up for.

I'm sorry I was too afraid to allow myself to accept a blessing that I saw as only temporary.

Because I know now, that the changes you would have made on my heart had I let you make them, would be there forever.

Working With God

So this summer I have the amazing gift of being able to work and do ministry in Alaska  through A Christian Ministries in the National Parks with my mentor, and I am overjoyed about it. There are no words to describe how beautiful it is here, and honestly, the people are so so nice here, it's a very different culture from the cold New England attitude I come from.

But the best thing about this summer is how much I am learning about myself and God, and how God is working in my life. I really want to tell you about one of the things that has been working on my heart.

So the day after I got here, my mentor and I were walking around Anchorage, just talking and enjoying the area. And she told me about this concept that she had learned about this year, that she really wanted me to keep in mind while we worked together this summer.

The concept was the difference between being used by God, and working with God.

Think about it like this, would you want your boyfriend or friends or family to use you? No, that's not a healthy relationship, and it also implies that the other person is only in the relationship to get something out of it. That's not what our relationship with the Lord is supposed to look like.

When I have loved people, I have wanted the best for them, I have wanted them to get where they want to go in life, and I have wanted to help them achieve those things. But I have wanted to work with them to help them get there, not just be a stepping stool for them.

And I honestly believe that is what God wants out of His relationship with us too. We are called to spread the word about His love and Him, and show people Him. And at least personally there have really been times where I pretty much feel like I'm just supposed to be God's robot, none of me in my body doing anything, just Him. And to a point that's true, but I know I at least have a tendency to take that to too much of an extreme.  God gave each of us different personalities, and I think He did that for a reason.

Yes there is supposed to be WAY more of Him than our sinful selves in us, but there is supposed to be some of us. I don't think God put us on the earth with the thought "Okay Jeanette, here you are in the world, I'm making you different from everyone else, giving you your own gifts and unique things to love about you, you are like no one else. Now don't use any of those things I have given you to make you you in the world."

God is supposed to shine through us, but I think he made us like stained glass windows, each showing Him in a different light. Showing the same thing in different colors. Because I think everyone is blind to some colors, and they need the light to shine through a different one to see it fully. And even more importantly, all the different colors put together are what make the picture whole and beautiful.

I think it is really easy to want to have none of ourselves in us, and only God showing, because it is really easy for us to only see the horrible things about ourselves. But each of us have God's fingerprint on us, meaning there is something really special about each of us. And God wants to work with each one of His unique creations. If he simply wanted us to be nothing more than tools, He could have made us much easier to use.

But I think he doesn't want to use us, I think He wants to work with us.

And I think that's wicked awesome.

Happiness

So here's the thing, that I really never want to admit to people, but I think I want to tell you guys. I have depression, and pretty bad anxiety too. There have been times when it's intense debilitating anxiety or depression, and I've gone through most of my life trying to fight it, and most of the time, I will admit I lost that battle.

I remember the first time I told my best friend in college that I had depression, he told me to just be happy. Which, as you might guess, kind of ticked me off. I told him it's not a switch, but I would do my best to hide it better. I'm sure you've seen those posts on facebook or something similar where people sarcastically respond to comments like his with something like "oh. wow, thank you so much! I'm cured, I didn't know that I should just be happy, that makes all the difference!"

We say it's not a choice. Because it's not normally. We don't like to be upset, we don't like to hurt this much. If we could just be happy we would. But it's not a choice.

But recently, I've started questioning that. And before you get mad or upset, remember, I am someone who goes through depression and deals with it on the daily. I am someone who has literally felt the weight of depression pushing down on me. There have been times in my life where I prayed every day that God would take me home, because I couldn't take it anymore. I know what depression, what hopelessness, can feel like.

But I think in a way, happiness is a choice. I think just being happy, as in, waking up every morning joyful, that I don't think is a choice. That doesn't just happen to people. But I think the problem can sometimes be that we don't understand that happiness isn't just something we stumble upon, pick up, and never have to work at again.

Happiness is a fight.

And the choice we make is whether or not we are going to fight that fight.

But it's not a choice you just make once, and then you're good. It's not a one battle war. Every morning when you wake up you have to make the choice to fight.

And that's really scary... Trust me I know.

Excuse my language, but it royally sucks to find out that you can never stop fighting for happiness. To find out that once you find it, you don't just get it. It stinks that there are going to be times where the depression and hurt take over again, right when you feel like you've finally said goodbye for the last time, and you know you have to start fighting will all your might again.

But it's worth it, I promise. Fighting hard every day for joy is so much better than misery you've made yourself comfortable with.

When I was a freshman in high school, someone said to me for the first time that I was not trying to let go of my depression, or at least fighting it, because I was afraid of what anything else was like. I knew I was miserable where I was, but I was afraid of anything else. I was miserable but at least I knew how to handle what I was going through. At least I knew I could survive it. I was comfortable.

It took me a while to really realize how right she was. I wasn't looking to change anything, because I was afraid if I tried to stand up, the world would knock me over, and I wouldn't know how to recover. I was afraid to hope that there was anything else, because I did not want to get hurt when what I was hoping for did not work out for me.

I stayed in the hell I knew, because I was afraid that the heaven I was looking for was just a new hell.

But living in misery is no way to live either. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, and do something that terrifies you.

It could take a long time, and a really hard battle, but you just might find joy, and all the fighting will be worth it.

Promise.

Worship.

Before I start, I feel the need to say that the first three "paragraphs" are not me trying to compare myself to my friends and put myself down. There is a point. 

Worship: (n) the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.

I love to sing. If you've known me for more than twenty minutes it is likely that you are aware of this fact. I've been told I'm decent. But I'm nothing compared to my roommate Hannah, who is a double major in music and Spanish, and whose voice makes me want to cry it's so beautiful.

I also love to write. Not many people know this part of me at my school (well I mean.. I write a blog so some people might have picked up on it, but who knows?). I've been told I'm good at it. But I'm nothing compared to one of my best friends Sage, who is an English major, and her writing is something I never want to stop reading.

I love to dance. Very few people know this about me. I have been told multiple times people are very surprised when they see me dance, to see that I'm actually pretty good at it. But I'm nothing compared to my other best friend Megan, who is in a number of dance groups on campus, has been dancing most of her life, and dances with a joy that is contagious.

What I love most about these people is that they take some (they have many more) of their greatest talents and use them to worship God.

Hannah uses her music to worship God, and not even only when she's singing praise and worship music. Any time she's singing or playing, she's worshiping God. She gets to make this beautiful noise and share it with the world, and it's all because of God. When I was younger and played Viola well, I remember thinking that violas allowed humans to make a sound that is much more beautiful than we ever could have done on our own. When I was playing, and when Hannah's playing, we get to say "Hey! Listen to this! This is our God showing some of his wonderfulness through us. Let us show you how beautiful He is." While praising God saying "Thank you so much for giving me something I love, thank you for showing this to me. Thank you for this talent. Thank you for speaking through me in the most incredible of ways."

Sage has told me numerous times that writing to her is worship. She puts it much more eloquently than I can:
"God has been likened to an author throughout history, and it is not hard to see why, for it is God that creates the stories of every being that has ever lived. Being a writer has led me to encounter and explore new depths of God that I had never considered before. Each time I write, I glimpse a minuscule fraction of what it must be like for God to craft a brilliantly singular plan for each person that breathes. It is a humbling and overwhelming gift to be able to imitate such ability...Our existence is but one small facet of God’s great story, and this tale we are currently living in is one that will not conclude until Christ returns again. We have been redeemed and shown how to live, but there is still more to come. Even so, we know how this story will end. Love has the final say. Jesus has already won the war, even though it seems like evil is triumphant each day. There is a final victory coming, and God knows when that will occur. When it does, the original Author will answer all questions, tie up all loose ends, and resolve all strife—just as simple humans like you and me strive to emulate at the conclusion of a powerful tale crafted by our imaginations."

It has become clear to me in the past few months especially, how wonderful worshiping through dance is. A few weeks ago three of my best friends were in a dance show here on campus that I had the privilege of going to.  I love watching dance anyways, but during this show, I watched as many of the dancers were filled with joy (genuine joy, not just pasting a smile on their faces (which it great too)) as they danced for their Lord. They too were taking something they love, and that God has given talent in, and giving it back to Him.

For me, I honestly think that my greatest talent is loving people. I love everyone I meet in some way, and even the people I do not get along with, I am usually able to find something I love about them. Is that because of who I am? Most definitely not. I'm actually kind of a horrible person at heart. That is God working in me and through me. And I love doing it. I love letting God show people His love through me (I personally don't think I was the smartest choice for this but hey. I'm just trying to follow directions). And honestly, because I know who I am on the inside (not. pretty.), I know one of the few motivations I have to try to find something to love in those people who bring me great anger is because I adore God so much (look to the def. at the top). Loving the people who are God's creation is to me, one of my greatest expressions of my love for Him. I could go on for hours about this, but I think I'll leave it there.

Singing and playing music, writing, dancing, loving people... These are all ways that we can worship God. And He loves all of it. You know those times where you're really excited about something, and you go to tell or show someone else, and they don't care? Or when you draw your parents a picture as a child and you're so excited to show them, but they kind of smile and put it to the side, and act that it isn't that important? That's never how it is with God. We come to Him with these things we love, and things we've prepared for Him, and He's always overjoyed to watch. He's always proud when we are trying to display our love for Him, no matter how it is. When I was first writing this, I was trying to think what I thought *my* greatest talent was, and when I came to "loving people" I almost instantly wrote it off... Loving people is nothing like singing, or writing, or dancing... But that's kind of the point. I express my adoration for Christ by doing something I love to do, that He has allowed me to do, and it is so different from the other things I've talked about. We all have something we're good at, and that we love to do and the amazing thing is, we can use all of those things to worship God. He loves all of it, and He accepts all of it.

So I guess... Never feel like you can't do what you love to do because you feel like it doesn't give glory to God (other than those obvious examples that just popped to your head if you're anything like me). Just remember that those things you love to do are from God, and remember to do it to please Him. God loves watching us love something just as much as we do.

It doesn't have to take a ton of work or displeasure to worship God. And I think that's pretty cool.

The little miracles

My mom used to always tell me a joke, it went something like this:

    Once there was a great flood and there was one man who was trapped on a tree. Before the waters got too high some people on the shore came close to the tree with a ladder and said “Hey! Let us help you down so that you can escape!” To which the man responded “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Pretty soon the waters had risen even higher, and the man was no longer able to get help from people on the shore. But a little while later, some people in a boat came to him, and said “Hey! Let us help you get into the boat!” To which once again the man responded “no, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Even later when the waters had risen up even higher, a plane came and the people in it said to the man “Hey! Let us help you to the plane so you can get away!”. And once more the man responded “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Soon after that the waters went all the way up, and the man drowned. When he got to heaven, he said to God, “God, why did you not save me from the flood?”. God’s response? “Well I sent you the ladder, the boat, and the plane!”

Moral of the story? God sends us help in many different forms, just because it does not seem like it is divine, does not mean it’s not from God. God is always there helping us, sometimes we’re just too blind to see it. My mom always told me this joke after I said to her “I don’t need other people, I’ve got God. It’s okay if it’s just me and Him.” She told me that joke to remind me that prayer and miracles are not the only way God comforts us. Sometimes all He does is send you that one person whose hug makes your day brighter. I wonder how often God sends me someone to help me and I turn away from them thinking “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me from my pain”, and He’s standing there shaking his head, just thinking, “Jenny, I just tried to. I can only help you if you accept my help.” Maybe I just need to look harder.

And just backtracking a bit, when I said “prayer and miracles are not the only way God comforts us”, I kind of want to change that statement. Because my friends are miracles. When one person can make you smile and laugh when all you want to do is cry and give up, I think that’s a miracle. And I have a few friends who do that all the time. So let me rephrase that. Prayer is not the only way God comforts us. He gives us little miracles every day to comfort us, it’s just a matter of opening our eyes to see what he’s sending us. 

Not super sure where this came from...

So lately I've been having a ton of trouble figuring out how to trust God. Whether it's about my education, watching people I love deal with medical issues I can't even begin to understand, my path, or even something as stupid as relationships. Deep down I know that everything is going to be okay, but most of me is so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to mess up my future, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to help when people need me most because I honestly have no idea how to, I'm afraid my friends are going to wake up one day and realize that I am so not worth this. I feel like I'm not as smart as God or my friends make me out to be, and I’m going to fail. I feel like if someone I love is suffering and I can't help them I'm worthless. I feel like because the guy I like will only ever see me as a little sister I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. And I feel like because I fell for the wrong person, I'll never stop hurting.  

I'm scared.  

And I hate that I'm scared, because it means I don't trust the one being that I can always know will never fail me. And if I can't trust Him... who can I trust? And if I can't trust God I feel like I’m failing. To be honest I have no idea why I am writing this. I've been struggling a lot lately with trying to be okay with something I'm about 97% sure is going to happen relatively soon. And the thing is I keep saying that I trust God, and I know that when it happens, it is for the best, and that any trials we go through are meant to make us better and prepare us for later. I keep saying that, but I don't think I actually believe it. Last night I was talking to one of my very best friends (he said I could use his name!) Connor, and he flat out said "You're never going to trust God as much as you need to." Connor Is blunt. It's one of the things I love most about him. I keep trying to trust God and I feel like in a lot of ways I believe that if I just fake it long enough I'll make it. But that Isn't working. I can't keep trying to trust Him on my own. Because like I said, deep down I know everything is going to be okay. But we're not called to be afraid of everything and only deep down know we're going to be okay eventually. We're told not to be anxious in anything and to throw our concerns upon the Lord. Maybe I am halfway there, but I still have a long road in front of me. 

I've been trying to do a lot on my own lately. I've been trying to figure out a lot simply by sitting in my bed thinking about the issues really hard. That doesn't really work. So maybe I can try a different approach. Maybe I can talk to God about it. And I don't just mean tell Him I'm going to trust Him now, because there have been many times in the past few months where I've said "Okay I trust you" and immediately knowing right afterwards... No I don't.  He's not fooled, and He's not going to let me pretend I can fool myself. So when I said maybe I can talk to God about it, first of all, I mean, I need to talk to God about it, and by talk, I mean beg Him to help me. God is standing right next to me as I'm going through all of this knowing how hard it is for me to get through it. And He's begging me to let Him help me. Because He's the only one who can. 

Sometimes I feel stupid asking God to help me feel something. To help me trust Him. Maybe you guys do too. (Like I said I have no idea why I'm writing this...) But when it comes to thinking like that I need to remember what it was like when I was a kid. Back when every single day I prayed for a little brother named Tommy. When I prayed that we'd have spinach for lunch at school (seriously. Have always loved that stuff). When I could pray for anything and not feel stupid. Jesus told us that the faith of a child is the greatest faith of all. I need to be more like the girl I was when I was 7. The girl who always believed that God wanted to hear from me about everything, not the one who just says it. God wants to hear about my struggles, and honestly I believe when finally swallow my pride and ask for His help I'm finally doing something right. It seems stupid to go to someone and ask Him to help you trust Him, especially for some of the things I mentioned earlier in this post. But that's what I gotta do, because anything that bothers me is something that God wants to hear about and help with.  

Because I am so tired of being scared. And I think my friends are tired of watching me always prepare for the worst. I've been trying to change, but I can't do this on my own. I have to finally turn to God. And I'm hoping if any of you have felt the same way, maybe this post could help push you to finally reach out for some help.  

I don't know why I'm writing this, but I felt like I should. (Seriously pretty much the entire time I've been writing I've been talking to Connor being like "Dude what am I even writing? Where is this going? What is this?"). So I really hope that this post wasn't a waste of your time. Thanks for reading guys, I'll be praying for you, and feel free to send me any prayer requests (even if we've never spoken before, seriously I always love making new friends ;)!).  

Love you guys!