The little miracles

My mom used to always tell me a joke, it went something like this:

    Once there was a great flood and there was one man who was trapped on a tree. Before the waters got too high some people on the shore came close to the tree with a ladder and said “Hey! Let us help you down so that you can escape!” To which the man responded “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Pretty soon the waters had risen even higher, and the man was no longer able to get help from people on the shore. But a little while later, some people in a boat came to him, and said “Hey! Let us help you get into the boat!” To which once again the man responded “no, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Even later when the waters had risen up even higher, a plane came and the people in it said to the man “Hey! Let us help you to the plane so you can get away!”. And once more the man responded “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Soon after that the waters went all the way up, and the man drowned. When he got to heaven, he said to God, “God, why did you not save me from the flood?”. God’s response? “Well I sent you the ladder, the boat, and the plane!”

Moral of the story? God sends us help in many different forms, just because it does not seem like it is divine, does not mean it’s not from God. God is always there helping us, sometimes we’re just too blind to see it. My mom always told me this joke after I said to her “I don’t need other people, I’ve got God. It’s okay if it’s just me and Him.” She told me that joke to remind me that prayer and miracles are not the only way God comforts us. Sometimes all He does is send you that one person whose hug makes your day brighter. I wonder how often God sends me someone to help me and I turn away from them thinking “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me from my pain”, and He’s standing there shaking his head, just thinking, “Jenny, I just tried to. I can only help you if you accept my help.” Maybe I just need to look harder.

And just backtracking a bit, when I said “prayer and miracles are not the only way God comforts us”, I kind of want to change that statement. Because my friends are miracles. When one person can make you smile and laugh when all you want to do is cry and give up, I think that’s a miracle. And I have a few friends who do that all the time. So let me rephrase that. Prayer is not the only way God comforts us. He gives us little miracles every day to comfort us, it’s just a matter of opening our eyes to see what he’s sending us. 

Not super sure where this came from...

So lately I've been having a ton of trouble figuring out how to trust God. Whether it's about my education, watching people I love deal with medical issues I can't even begin to understand, my path, or even something as stupid as relationships. Deep down I know that everything is going to be okay, but most of me is so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to mess up my future, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to help when people need me most because I honestly have no idea how to, I'm afraid my friends are going to wake up one day and realize that I am so not worth this. I feel like I'm not as smart as God or my friends make me out to be, and I’m going to fail. I feel like if someone I love is suffering and I can't help them I'm worthless. I feel like because the guy I like will only ever see me as a little sister I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. And I feel like because I fell for the wrong person, I'll never stop hurting.  

I'm scared.  

And I hate that I'm scared, because it means I don't trust the one being that I can always know will never fail me. And if I can't trust Him... who can I trust? And if I can't trust God I feel like I’m failing. To be honest I have no idea why I am writing this. I've been struggling a lot lately with trying to be okay with something I'm about 97% sure is going to happen relatively soon. And the thing is I keep saying that I trust God, and I know that when it happens, it is for the best, and that any trials we go through are meant to make us better and prepare us for later. I keep saying that, but I don't think I actually believe it. Last night I was talking to one of my very best friends (he said I could use his name!) Connor, and he flat out said "You're never going to trust God as much as you need to." Connor Is blunt. It's one of the things I love most about him. I keep trying to trust God and I feel like in a lot of ways I believe that if I just fake it long enough I'll make it. But that Isn't working. I can't keep trying to trust Him on my own. Because like I said, deep down I know everything is going to be okay. But we're not called to be afraid of everything and only deep down know we're going to be okay eventually. We're told not to be anxious in anything and to throw our concerns upon the Lord. Maybe I am halfway there, but I still have a long road in front of me. 

I've been trying to do a lot on my own lately. I've been trying to figure out a lot simply by sitting in my bed thinking about the issues really hard. That doesn't really work. So maybe I can try a different approach. Maybe I can talk to God about it. And I don't just mean tell Him I'm going to trust Him now, because there have been many times in the past few months where I've said "Okay I trust you" and immediately knowing right afterwards... No I don't.  He's not fooled, and He's not going to let me pretend I can fool myself. So when I said maybe I can talk to God about it, first of all, I mean, I need to talk to God about it, and by talk, I mean beg Him to help me. God is standing right next to me as I'm going through all of this knowing how hard it is for me to get through it. And He's begging me to let Him help me. Because He's the only one who can. 

Sometimes I feel stupid asking God to help me feel something. To help me trust Him. Maybe you guys do too. (Like I said I have no idea why I'm writing this...) But when it comes to thinking like that I need to remember what it was like when I was a kid. Back when every single day I prayed for a little brother named Tommy. When I prayed that we'd have spinach for lunch at school (seriously. Have always loved that stuff). When I could pray for anything and not feel stupid. Jesus told us that the faith of a child is the greatest faith of all. I need to be more like the girl I was when I was 7. The girl who always believed that God wanted to hear from me about everything, not the one who just says it. God wants to hear about my struggles, and honestly I believe when finally swallow my pride and ask for His help I'm finally doing something right. It seems stupid to go to someone and ask Him to help you trust Him, especially for some of the things I mentioned earlier in this post. But that's what I gotta do, because anything that bothers me is something that God wants to hear about and help with.  

Because I am so tired of being scared. And I think my friends are tired of watching me always prepare for the worst. I've been trying to change, but I can't do this on my own. I have to finally turn to God. And I'm hoping if any of you have felt the same way, maybe this post could help push you to finally reach out for some help.  

I don't know why I'm writing this, but I felt like I should. (Seriously pretty much the entire time I've been writing I've been talking to Connor being like "Dude what am I even writing? Where is this going? What is this?"). So I really hope that this post wasn't a waste of your time. Thanks for reading guys, I'll be praying for you, and feel free to send me any prayer requests (even if we've never spoken before, seriously I always love making new friends ;)!).  

Love you guys!