I have this fear. I think it's a common fear, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with, or anyone else who has it. I will say that knowing I'm not alone in my fear certainly helps me feel encouraged, but it doesn't change it.
I fear being completely alone in the end. I fear that once people get bored with me, they'll leave. I fear that once people are out of my life physically, they'll forget me (I've always said I'm an out of sight, out of mind type of person). I fear that people who do stay, do so out of obligation. I fear that I'm someone no one could care about enough to put in the effort to remember.
So I've lived my life in a way that I can protect myself, in case my fear is actually a reality. While I'm open about most everything in my life, I hold people at a distance. While I'll pretty much tell you about any of my problems, or anything that's gone on in my life, the second you try to support me in them, I honestly need to fight pretty hard to not run away from you. I will never ask for help in fear I'll annoy you by needing it. I won't tell you something awesome that has happened, some way God worked in my life that I'm excited about, because I'm afraid you wouldn't care, and it would just be a burden to you. Or, maybe you'd come back with a cold response, and I'll realize how stupid I am. I'm afraid you were lying when you said you'd always be there, or you will regret offering. I'm afraid you would never want to just talk to me, so I never start a conversation, even though I'm dying to talk to you.
So from the moment I meet you, I live like you're going to leave me. That's fairly surprising to most people, because I am so open, people believe I'm really vulnerable... But trust me when I tell you there has only been a handful of people I can think of that I have treated like I wasn't afraid of them leaving me. And I was either dating or related to more than half of them.
But I've met some people this summer who have made me re-think that... Made me want to not live in fear anymore. Because if I had done that with them... I would have missed out on some seriously amazing people.
Before I go on, I do want to make it clear that I don't feel like I need to let my walls down for everyone. Or that the only way to achieve what I'm going to be striving for is by letting everyone all the way in. Because I don't believe that at all. I just... think at least I need to work on letting more people in, really in.
But I don't want to miss out on anyone else, or anything else because I'm afraid. I think I realized that when I believe people are going to be gone in a few days, weeks, or even years (yeah that's right. I've put up really thick walls because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose people in years) I spend my time not letting them get too close, because I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it when they leave, which I miss out on the blessing that is them for however long I get them. Which with every person I met this summer, I knew was probably going to be a short time. I got to know some really amazing people, and I learned quite a bit about myself this summer because I didn't let fear control me, and I slowly learned to live in the moment in my relationships. Instead of bracing myself for the pain they will bring me in the future, for the first time in my life, I was able to take joy in just knowing them in the moment.
I also think my fear has kept me from loving people completely.
One of the things I regret the most was seriously hurting someone who was really important to me, because I did not let myself believe he cared about me enough for me to be able to hurt him. (Pretty messed up, I know). I never want to do that again. I want to treat people like I want them to have a place in my life, and my heart forever, if they want it... Not like there's no chance they would stick around.
I want to love people like Jesus, the man who got crucified for billions of people who were going to turn around and spit in His face, who were going to break His heart, over and over and over again.
And fear of needing to put my heart back together again is keeping me from doing that.
So, I'm sorry to those of you I've missed out on. I'm sorry to those of you who I've put a brick wall up for.
I'm sorry I was too afraid to allow myself to accept a blessing that I saw as only temporary.
Because I know now, that the changes you would have made on my heart had I let you make them, would be there forever.
