Reckless

A few nights ago, I experienced the longest anxiety attack I have ever had. I'd say it lasted from about 7:20 p.m to somewhere around 10:30. I can't really explain what caused it, because there were a plethora of things, but the final trigger was that my car's battery died. Twice. In one day. On my first day of work. Fun right?

As soon as I could after the attack started, I went up to my room, got in my bed, curled up around my Bruins Pillow Pet and started sobbing. I had been talking to God the whole time, but that was mostly because the attack started while I was driving, and I needed God to keep me and everyone around me safe, so it wasn't until I actually got in my bed that I turned to God in order to actually talk to God.

I'm not proud of what came next.

For a short while I turned to scripture, and found a passage in 1 Kings that, no, didn't answer any questions or help me feel reassured, in fact, I felt like it was pointless at the time. Then I just started talking to God. Well, talking isn't the best word. Screaming is better. I started screaming at God (no, not literally, the neighbors are very close, but my mind was most certainly screaming).

I said some really horrible things to God, including, but not limited to: "do you even care?" "Why did you do this to me?", and this is the big one... "you're just like everyone else, you'll provide for me in the worldly things, but when it comes to emotions, you leave me on my own".

Ooph. Like I said, I'm not proud of it. But it gets worse.

After about an hour of just screaming, writing some thoughts out, I told God God needed to provide me someone to be there for me, to prove to me God was different. Yes, I put God to the test. One that in my mind, God failed. And I told God this. That I was sticking with God, because there is no one else I could turn to, God is my God through everything, no matter how I feel about God or the path God is taking me on, but God had proved to me I will be alone through my pain.

About 30 seconds later exactly what I had asked for happened, and I was stuck feeling extremely stupid.

Being stubborn old me, it took until the next morning to admit that I was wrong, in just about everything I had done, and said the night before, and I had realized that I had been wrong about a whole lot of things that came before. But to be honest, even though I could admit I was wrong, I was still angry. When I told God I knew I was wrong, I wasn't actually apologizing, because I hadn't forgiven God for putting me through that.

I'm sure you've heard that God can handle our anger before, and that's true, but that's not really what this post about. I did learn more about what it means that God can handle our anger, but this is more about what I learned about God's forgiveness just a bit more though this. That's what I want to tell you about today.

First though, you need to know some backstory. I love my (earthly) father so very much, and he is certainly one of my favorite people in the world. But my father and I have fought in the past (obviously), and we have said some really hurtful things to each other. What almost always happened after these fights was there was a day or two where we did not really speak to each other, and things were really awkward. Then enough time would pass and nothing would actually really be resolved, but we would be back to normal. For me in these situations, the reason I tended to close myself off from my dad is because I knew I was wrong, and I was too ashamed to face him. I might have apologized (though not always), but I knew I messed up, and I knew he was mad at me, sometimes I was still angry myself, and we both had every right to be, so I stayed away.

Let me tell you, I have never said anything close to as horrible as what I said to God that night to my father.

So the morning after this anxiety attack, and this fight I had with God, I straight up said to God "I know we're not in the best place right now, and I know I messed up, and you're probably mad at me right now, so that's fine. We're just going to be off for a few days, and it'll be whatever".

Now in my head, I knew God's not like that. God doesn't need a few days away from you to forgive you. God doesn't put you on a probation period after you mess up. I think it was about when I remembered that God always forgives, and forgives immediately (which I'll talk about more in a moment), that I stopped being as angry, and started being ashamed. I realized how stupid I was being, how I was being self-righteous, and frankly a brat. To God! So what I said to God changed slightly: "I know I messed up Father... I am so sorry... I am so sorry". I started curling up into myself to try not to burden God with such a disobedient child. Like I said, I knew in my head that God forgives as soon as we ask for it, but sometimes the heart takes a bit more to convince.

Though my head understood this on Saturday, by Sunday morning my heart wasn't fully on board. As we sang the worship songs at church, I felt like there were certain things I didn't have a right to sing. The songs were all about trusting God, and having confidence in God's promises, and I had clearly proved two nights before that I didn't trust, I didn't have confidence. At some point as we were singing something broke in me, and didn't feel the anger anymore. I was ashamed, and knew I didn't have a right to claim those things. The last song we sang before the sermon was Reckless Love, which has become one of my favorites lately, and was especially relevant today.

Then the sermon began, and the pastor told me that Jesus prayed for me (John 17:20, you fall in that category folks), and reminded us of some of the things Jesus did for us, and how He loved us each individually. It was a great message, but all I could think of was "but you don't know what I did, what I said. How I dishonored God when all God has ever do was be there for me and provided for me... Right now, God can't want me"

But then I looked at Jesus again. Jesus, who prayed that prayer for us right before He was about to be tortured. Jesus who said on the cross: "forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

You know, they say you can see a persons true colors when they are at their worst, and I don't really think Jesus had a worst that was different from His best, but I feel like this might have been one of the weakest moments of Jesus' life  (this is speculation here, but you know). And yet, literally as these people were killing Him, Jesus asked the Father to forgive them.

And I truly believe as I was saying those things, probably knowing more was to come, Jesus was standing there at the right hand of the Father saying, "Forgive her, she knows not what she says", and somehow, even though I was screaming at Him, was hurting for me.

Jesus gave up Heaven, stepped away from the Father for a while, came to earth, to spend time with humans, who He knew would kill Him someday, because, as the pastor reminded me today, Jesus declared that you and I were worth it.

I don't care what you've done, or what you've said. If Jesus took His last breath to defend His murders, He's up there defending you now.

Our relationship with God, our "fights", our moments of shame, our screw-ups, are nothing like those we find in our earthly relationships. Because the way Jesus loves us is nothing like any relationship we have here, it's unconditional, it's what we would think of as reckless: never letting go no matter how many times we hurt Him (and in case you're wondering, God has always loved us "recklessly", Hosea is probably the best book to show this). There's nothing we can do that would make Jesus feel like He needs some space from us.

If anyone out there is trying to keep their distance from God because you are too ashamed to go to God, stop it. God is not ashamed of you. God is not ashamed of what you've done. God just wants you in God's arms.

Guys I pray you know you are so very loved by our Lord, and you have been declared worthy by God. Don't run away from God when you are ashamed. Run to God.

Any voice inside you telling you you've messed up too much is not from God. Know what I'm saying? It's a LIE. A lie that God wants to tear down in pursuit of you. God is always moving towards us, always running towards us, no matter what path we take. Maybe it's time we turn around.