Happiness.

Before I start, I need to say I'm not the happiest person around, though people have told me they think otherwise. I'm just a very good actress. I'm upset about something or other most days of the year. This post isn't me preaching at you guys, this post is just as much for me as it is for you guys. 

I was talking to this girl I know today about happiness. She said that she was happy some days, but it was okay because that was life. 

That got me thinking. Why is that life? Or rather why do we think that is life? I mean this girl is not the only person who has said that being happy only some days is "life", not by a long shot. I'm not saying that everyone should be happy all day every day with no exceptions, I mean if I was saying that I would be the biggest hypocrite I know. When I told this girl that I didn't think that was life, I thought that was just how too many people, especially in America see it, she asked me how we should see it. 

Well that's a good question. How should we see life, or more specifically happiness's role in our life? Here's my attempt at an answer. 

At first I was thinking an ideal world everyone would not despair, at least in my eyes because of what Christ did for us. William Willimon said in his book Calling and Character that Christian's weren't allowed to despair (don't quote me on that, I might be wrong or I could have misinterpreted what he was saying). I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that anymore, which is something I will post about later. But now to the point. 

Trust me when I say I know that never despairing, even as Christians is impossible. So with that in mind, what is the ideal world? I honestly don't know, but I am pretty sure that I know there is a flaw in the system somewhere. Here's why. 

If you ask anyone who has gone on a missions trip to a third world country, they will tell you that the children they met there, these children who have so much worse lives than we do, are happy all the time. They find joy in everything they can. I live in America, and I'm assuming most of the people reading this are from a first world country. (I'm not saying at all that people in first world countries don't have anything to worry about. Don't take it like that at all. I could talk for hours on the things we need to fix in America to make lives better for it's people, that's just not what I'm writing about now okay? Calm down.) While there are still important things we need to deal with here, we have more than many many countries out there do. And yet I bet we could find more to complain about.

I AM NOT SAYING that America is a privileged country that needs to open it's eyes to the real world (though one could make an argument for that) I'm just saying we need to learn to see all the things we have, rather than all the things we don't have. 

For example I know plenty of people who will get great grades on exams, but they won't see the points they did get, they'll see the small amount of points they didn't get. I am completely one of those people. (Seriously ask ANY of my friends.) Why can't we just stop, and be happy with our grade. And still strive to do better, not because our first grade wasn't good enough, just because we should always strive to be better. 

There is SO MUCH to be happy about in this world. And, yes, there is so much to be sad about in this world. But why do the sad things have to outweigh the good things? Why can't we try to focus on the good things, like those kids who have so little to be happy about? Don't let the joyful things in life pass you by. 

So... be happy guys. You're beautiful (or handsome) when you smile. There are people who love you out there, and I am one of them. I hope for the best of all of you. 

Love you guys!! Hope I helped a little. 

Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken.

I come from a very small school where everyone knows me by name. (Whether I know them is a completely different story, but everyone knew me). Most of them also knew my story and what I stand for. I never had a problem with this, because I'm a very open book, and no one ever made fun of me for it, normally people just asked me deep questions about my beliefs. I mean, at some points it got overwhelming and I wished that I could just go somewhere where everybody doesn't know my name. (Anyone get that reference? Anyone?) I think one of the things I found so exciting about going to college was that I was finally going to get away from the same stories and faces. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone from my hometown and I miss it a ton every. day. But I do think I needed to get away from home for a bit. But now to the point of my post.

College is hard.

Before I go any further, I need to point out that I am, maybe 5 weeks into college (I don't even know). This is the farthest I've been from home without my dad. Yeah it's gonna be hard. I'm not a unique case. This isn't my family's, or friend's, or college's fault. No one can do anything about it, this is  just a growing up experience. I'm not totally miserable. This isn't a post to say how horrible life is for me and how all of you should be sad for me. No. I'm fine, just homesick. Get that? Okay? Good? Good.

Anyways, college is hard. I don't mean the classes are hard, yet, I mostly mean the social life. I don't even know how many people are at my college, but I'm pretty sure my class is bigger than my entire high school put together. And coming to college I didn't know any of them. A few thousand people who don't know me at all is a big change from a few hundred people who all knew me fairly well. Let me tell you a story about why it is important for me to adjust to this.

I went with some of my friends to a senior's apartment to study for a test. None of these people knew me very well, it only being a few weeks into school. But I get comfortable around people very fast. So when the senior asked us if we wanted anything to drink, my first response was "yeah got any beer?".

Back at my high school, everyone knows that I wouldn't touch beer with a 30 foot pole. Not only because it's illegal, but also because I hate alcohol, and much more importantly it's against my moral code. People don't really know this at my college. To them I'm some random chick who's from Massachusetts and talks about hockey a lot. It was even worse for the senior who's apartment I was at, because we had met about 30 minutes before, when I walked into the apartment. It didn't occur to me to actually explain that I was joking, because back at high school I wouldn't need to explain it. Thankfully my friend who did know me explained to the senior that I wasn't actually being serious, and I'm just a really odd person. The senior understood and forgave my strangeness, and I would like to think we're friends now. But I do often wonder what that senior would think of me if my other friend had not reminded me that I actually have to clarify when I'm joking.

People don't know me or my story here, and honestly it's really hard to remember people are getting their first impression of me here. I can't just be my weird, sarcastic self here because people will think I'm a terrible person. I have to show people that I am actually nice (at least so I've been told) and normal, before I can show them that I'm insane. That's hard guys. That's really hard. And even though there were times I wish people just didn't know me when I was at high school, I really miss everyone knowing me. I hate how people see me now might be how they see me for the next four years of my life.

But that's the same everywhere, trust me I am perfectly aware that changing colleges isn't going to change anything. In fact it would just make it worse. I'm just saying it's hard.

So here's my advice to all you other first years struggling to fit in. Be yourself. I know it's a radical thought, but honestly I think people don't do that enough. You're at a new place where no one knows you now. That doesn't mean that you have to re-invent yourself into someone you think other people will like better. Here's another radical thought-if you do want to re-invent yourself, re-invent yourself into someone you like better. There are people out who are going to love you for exactly who you are, and those are the people you want to be friends with.

Back to the story above. The senior in question is seriously one of the nicest people I've ever met, and instantly forgave me for being so weird. But what if the senior didn't forgive me, and if that one comment turned them away from me forever? That one comment could have ruined a friendship. But guess what. If that one comment turned him away I don't think we could have been good friends anyways. I make jokes and sarcastic comments all the time. Saying things like that is the norm for me. I was completely myself in front of him (though maybe a bit sooner than I normally would be) and he didn't hate me for it! He could handle me being me and didn't judge me (too hard) for it.

You don't have to change who you are to make friends at college. Be yourself. You're a pretty awesome person, and the people who you meet are going to be able to catch onto it. If one part of you turns someone away from you, they are the ones missing out. You are not.

Look I know as well as the next guy how hard it is to go to a new place where no one knows you, but I promise you, if you are true to yourself, you're not going to be alone for very long.

Sorry if that was a little jumbled guys, I hope it made sense. I have a few more things I want to talk about, so it won't be a year till the next post I promise! :-) Love you guys to the moon!!

Wars

In my sophomore year of high school, we were talking about war in my history class. I forget exactly what I said, but whatever it was got the message across that I didn’t agree with war. I distinctly remember one of my friends turning to me and saying “Wait are you anti-war?” I didn’t respond, but gave her a “duh” look. Her only feedback to me was “Get out”. That obviously wasn’t something that my friend was okay with. The way she saw it, I was being an ignorant child by disagreeing with war.

The other day the radio was on in my dorm bathroom while a bunch of us girls were getting ready in the morning. Pretty soon after walking in, the air raids on Syria were mentioned. I had found out about it the night before thanks to my handy dandy news app on my tablet. It was troubling to me then, and from the look on my friend’s face, it was just as troubling to her. My other friend was standing across the bathroom, but heard all the same things we did. Her response was fairly amusing to me actually. She said that she wished she could just walk into a UN meeting, or even better a meeting of all the world leaders and sing to them a song. I’m sure you can guess which one she was thinking of. That great, catchy tune why can’t we be friends.

At this point I was still pretty upset over the air raids so I kind of gave her a weak smile, and thought to myself “and they would tell you you are being an ignorant little child who doesn’t understand the workings of the world” (you know, if they didn’t kill her first).

Here’s my question.

Think of two children. They start fighting over something, it could be something extremely stupid, or it could be something that even us knowing adults can understand the conflict in. Would you just sit there and allow the children to beat the snot out of each other? What if they were conniving enough to get other children to fight each other for them? Would you just sit there and let the violence happen? The general consensus (as I understand it) is no. Of course you wouldn’t allow the children to be subject to this violence. You would stop it as soon as you could and tell them (common guys I know you know this) to talk it out. Or maybe not talk it out, just drop it all together. (Dropping it all together don’t necessarily work, but that’s an idea for another day). Bottom line, you wouldn’t allow them to resort to violence. You would probably yell at the kids for getting other children involved if they did. You would make sure that the children got the message that violence is not okay.

So why then, is war okay?

Now I know some of you are thinking, “Uh… Jenny it’s a pretty big leap to go from two children fighting to war”. Okay, so… bring it up through all the ages. Doesn’t matter how old you are, generally the consensus is that violence is not okay. I know some of you still thinking I’m making too big a leap. You can’t compare two people conflicting to countries conflicting. Why? Because on the country level it’s too big of a scale, much different from two people jut disagreeing.

You’re right. Because with two people, thousands upon thousands of people aren’t being killed.  Two people might just get beat up if they disagree. People don’t even agree with that. Why then, would they agree with war? Maybe I’m just an optimistic 18 year old, but I have to believe that there’s a better way.

And... jobs.

So I'm going to be going to college this fall, and I really, really need money, so I did what any reasonable person would do, I got a job. Unfortunately, it's a job that I have to work horrible hours and never see my family, and I get paid next to nothing. 

Along with that it's a job where I have to deal with people who think that I have an IQ less than the cost of the meal they're buying.

I told my brother that I wanted to quit as soon as I could, and he told me that, hey it was a paycheck...something I've been told over and over again. 

But look, money doesn't matter to me, and I wonder how much my time with my family, and how much my self respect, how being able to stand up without being in pain, costs me, is the minimum wage (before they take out taxes so I'm actually only get 78% of what I make) an equal trade off? I honestly don't think so. 

I know someone who got a job last year in food service, and was getting bad hours, and bad pay (entry level job... not that surprising). But a few weeks into it she got accused of stealing money (by someone who had almost none of the facts and just assumed it was her), and got fired, for all of two hours, when they figured out that they had just done something wrong with the register, and begged her to come back. When I heard that story, I said I would have quit in an instant. I really wouldn't want to work somewhere where they fire me for something I didn't do, and something that they know almost none of the facts for. Again, people instantly told me.. that hey it was a paycheck. But seriously is working with people who don't trust you at all, and don't respect you worth it? For horrible hours... and minimum wage? I don't like most of my job, but I love most of the people I work with. That's one of the only reasons I can deal with it. 

 I know that I'm 18, and I can't say that I know the true value of money, so maybe... In a few years I won't agree with anything in this post. But right now...I just don't know how much minimum wage is worth. 

It is stupid how expensive life is. And it's obnoxious how hard it is to get an entry level job. But at some point... It is something you have to deal with. And yes, that really really does stink. But it's not the end of the world. So instead of ranting to you like I've been doing to my friend Danni all week... here's some advice.

If you haven't gone to college yet, and are planning on going away for college, get a job sooner rather than later. It's extremely hard to get a job for just a summer. I wish I had gotten a job earlier in high school, and I could have worked through this summer, and have some more money saved up. 

No matter what job you have, don't let it, or the people you deal with make you think any less of yourself. You are an amazing person, no matter what job you have. 

Don't let a job get too much in the way of seeing the people you love. Yes you have to work, and yes there's going to be times where you can't see your friends or family because you have to work, but don't let it take every moment you have. What's more important, spending time with those people you love, or money? Yes you need to make money to survive, but don't let it take over your life.... it shouldn't be the most important thing. 

Finally... Here's something a new friend has taught me- always find something to be positive about. I promise you there's always  something. In her words, if you're on you half break in an 8 or 9 hour shift, don't look at it as only thirty minutes, look at it as thirty glorious minutes to enjoy yourself and recharge. Find a friend who texts back fast, and send them a message on your break, or call them! If they can make you smile, it's worth it. I call my family every day on my break to talk, sometimes it's the only communication we have with each other all day. I text my friends and they always find a way to make me laugh. There's always a reason to smile. 

And lastly, find someone who's okay with you venting. It's gonna need to happen, find someone who will let you vent, but will also slap you back into shape when you're stuck in a pit of self pity. (Don't worry everyone does it). 

Alright I hope that this helped you somewhat, and it wasn't too ranty. 

Alright, thanks for reading!!! I love you guys. :)

Friends.

So, here's the deal.

No one would ever really describe me as a loner. I have more friends than I can really count, and every friend I have on facebook I actually enjoy being around. I work at burger king (more on that later) and I love meeting the people who come up to my counter (who are not jerks). Long story short, I'm a people person. Honestly, I don't get mad that often... But I do get frustrated.

Look before you read this-I'm kind of a horrible friend, and I'm not saying that I'm the greatest friend in the world in this post; everything I say here, applies to me as well. I just feel like it's time someone said something.

So in short, this post is about putting some effort into your friendships.

Do any of you have that friend that you do really care about, but you never start a conversation with them? You just wait for them to text you... because you know they will? You never go to see them, because you know they will always come to see you? You do really value them and their friendship... but you don't put in effort they do. I'm not saying it's fine for you to do it, but a lot of people do, so don't be ashamed, just notice what you're doing, and... stop.

Yes, I have plenty of friends that I do this to, but I also have plenty of friends who do this to me. And it feels horrible. It feels like these people don't care about me at all. I send them texts all the time... but if I don't... I won't hear from them. It's like I don't matter to them. Honestly I feel like if they sent me *one* text once in a while I would know that I'm not the only one who cares about the relationship.

I know I shouldn't... but I get discouraged. And that's one of the worst feelings.

So pick up the phone. Send your friend a text. Don't make them feel like they matter to you. All it's going to take is ten seconds to write "hi". Let them know they matter to you.

And hey, I'm sorry if it seems like you don't matter to me. I promise you, you do. Thanks for being in my life. (Even if you're just a blog reader). You'll hear from me soon I promise.

You know what gets me mad? When people say they understand depression. They think that if they've studied it enough they know whats going on. They think that because they have friends who have dealt with it and told them about it that they understand. They think that they know the signs for depression. They think that they alone can help it.

Look, I'm gonna be that jerk to tell you right now that unless you have felt the heart wrenching depression that people suffer from, you don't understand it. Unless you have literally felt that weight of sorrow and hopelessness, and worthlessness, you don't understand. And when I say literally, I mean you can literally feel that weight crushing down on you. It feels like you can't breath. You can't understand the point of being alive, because no one would ever want a piece of rubbish like you. No one would mourn for very long if you suddenly weren't there.

In seventh grade I was so far down in a deep hole that I didn't think that anyone would ever be able to come to me. My friend wrote me...I'm not sure if you'd call it a poem, but it was poem-like about how there isn't a light switch that you can just turn on when you hit Rock Bottom. Thankfully at that point I was on the recovery, and it actually made a difference. But let me tell you, a few months before that, I didn't want to find a light switch, because in my mind, if I found a light switch, I was probably going to be taking some light away from someone else, and I had no right to anyone's light, and I certainly didn't have any myself.

Rock Bottom is a scary place. But you know what's really messed up?

It also feels like a safe place. You don't want to leave the one thing you know, because at least you know what emotions you're dealing with at Rock Bottom. If you try to change, who's to say that you won't have to deal with something even worse.

Over a year ago I posted about making sure that you help those people who need to be helped, listen to the listeners. I think it is only fair to tell you, that those people who are with my old friend Rock Bottom, they are not going to be reaching  out. You will not know that they need you for the most part, until they've already made mistakes. Most people down there are not strong enough to cry out for help, or more likely, don't believe that they deserve help. Show them you care. And no, this doesn't mean try to be the hero for that depressed kid you've never talked to, even if you don't want to be. To make a real difference, you actually have to want to make one.

If your best friend is going through a really hard time, theoretically you're genuinely going to want to help them. But what about that weird kid who keeps to themselves in the corner? You've never really given them a second  thought. But maybe you listen to a song, or a read a story, or even read this blog post and you want to be a hero. Look I'm not saying that you can only help people you've talked to before, oh my word no I'm not saying that, don't misinterpret this. But what I am saying is you can't help someone if you go into it just wanting to be a hero. You have to go into because you want to help them. Not to feel better about yourself but because you understand that they are worth something. You believe that they deserve better than they are giving themselves.

Every time I write a post on here I hope it changes someone's point of view on what I'm talking about, or maybe even just gets them to think. Although most of my posts are heavy deep and real, they are not to depress the crap out of you. I promise, I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy (that might actually be because I don't hate anyone, but you know. It's a nice thought that I'd be that kind). But I know that there are people out there like me, who need help. And I know that there are people out there like you who can help them. So, next time a friend's looking down, or isn't talking as loud as they normally do, or avoiding eye contact, or doodling instead of engaging (and those doodles are not hearts with some cute guy/girl in them), stop talking about yourself for a day. Just ask them about them. Show them that you really want to know, and you do really care. Help them.

And for those of you like me who are reading this post, I promise it's not as bad as it seems to ask for help. Rock Bottom isn't the best place there is. Trust me. There is someone out there who loves you. I know that everyone says this, and normally I'm always like, wow that's a load of crap, but I seriously do love each and every one of you who reads this blog. I will be praying for you who need help, and those of you who want to help, but don't know how. There is always someone out there. Even if they're on the other side of the world.

God Bless You All. Stay Safe.

Remember there is someone who loves you always.

Moments

       In life there is no rewind button. Once you do something, there is no undoing it. Any choice or action you make will always, ALWAYS be there, and there is no chance for you to change it. Take my junior year of high school for example. I got really sick this year, and I slacked off a ton. Because of that, my already low GPA dropped .08 points. I also got the first F in my life because I didn't do my community service requirements. Now I can do this over the summer, and hopefully bring that F up to an A within two weeks of school starting, but I've already made that mistake, and that is always going to be on my transcript. And because of those choices I made this year, I'm probably not going to get into a good college. Which is going to result in me probably not getting a good job, which will lead to a very hard life. The choices I made this year, are going to affect me forever.
      When you do something, do you think about how it's going to affect you tomorrow? Or next year? Or ten years from now? You should, because everything you do now, is going to impact you at some point later in life. Or maybe it won't impact you, but it will impact someone else. If you insult someone, or make fun of them, you have no idea how much hurt that puts on them, and for how long. You can take two minutes to say something mean or insulting to a person, and those two minutes of your life, could be enough to hurt them for the rest of theirs. I don't understand how people can go around insulting and making fun of people on a daily basis, people they don't even know, and they aren't melting from guilt. Everything you say makes an impact on people. This post is going to make an impact on people, if anyone actually reads it. I'd be completely stupid to think that previous posts in this blog haven't made people mad, or sad, or at least made people think. Once you say something, or do something to someone, you can never take it back, you can say you're sorry, and they can forgive you, but you still hurt them. Even if you don't have enough of a conscience for it to hurt you, your better believe you could have easily hurt other people, and that hurt doesn't exactly go away that easy.
    Look, I'm not saying spend every waking moment thinking about your future, I'm not saying don't live in the moment. But live every moment aiming to make your next moment has great as it could possibly be. And think about the people around you when you're doing that. Their moments deserve to be just as good as yours. Every action you do is permanent, and there is no erasing it, so don't make decisions that you are just going to be regretting for the rest of your life.

My Friend's Lame Question

Hey guys... so.. wow haven't posted since 2012... sorry about that. Been having writers block for months.. or I was just too lazy to do anything. I know it's gonna take a while for me to get back into the habit of actually posting alot... and it's gonna take even longer to get people to read the blog again. Sooo I decided to start posting even when I couldn't think of anything I could talk about. So the topic for tonight's post? I had no idea, so I asked my friend. He said to write about sleep. I said no seriously, if you could ask me ANY question, and get an honest answer from me... what would it be? I was expecting him to be like "What's your opinion on..." He asked me "What are your goals for this year?"

....

Thanks... So for this post you get hear about me. Get excited.

When I think about my future... I come up with a big goose egg. Nada. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't even know what I want to do this summer!

Okay. I do know what I want to do. sort of. I want to be a Youth Minister. My life has not been the easiest, it by all means has not been the hardest either, but it hasn't been the easiest either. The ONE thing that I've ever been able to hold onto is my faith. God is the only one that I continuously lean on for support. I want to help kids in the future see the hope that I have because of my faith. So that's what I want to do with my life. At least part of it. I know it's not going to be all of it though.

So I guess one goal I have for this year is to figure out how to show my faith better. Maybe if I show my faith better, more people will ask me about it, and maybe I can start showing people the joy of the Lord now.

So that's one goal... I know this is really lame to stop like right now.. but i'm falling asleep. I'll post more often I swear!

So I thought that I would just share a funny story with you.

Well... I thought it was funny. You might not.

So school started this week, and one of my classes is Honors American Lit. I love this class. My teacher is funny, and the curriculum looks like it's gonna be pretty fun.

On the second day of school, my dad had a chance to talk to my teacher for this class, and he came up to me after and told me that my Teach. had said that I really knew my stuff.

So this confused me.. because I'm pretty sure I've said a total of like 10 things in that class. But my dad said that my teacher.. We'll call him Mr. T (for teacher) had told my dad that I knew all of the stories and arguments for what we were talking about that day. That I was smiling and nodding knowingly the whole time.

Looking back on it, I actually was doing that. But not because I knew all the stories and arguments. (I mean I did, but normally I wouldn't really show that). I was laughing at my own private joke.

Okay so in class we were talking about why we needed to be there. In school, and Mr. T had us write a list of reasons that humans read books.

Something on my list was unbelievably funny to me, and Mr. T kept hinting at what it was, so I kept laughing all through class.

But it all worked out in the end. My teacher now thinks I'm really smart. So win win situation. Class wasn't boring for me, and my teacher thinks I'm smart. Apparently smiling and nodding does make you seem smarter!!!

For those of you wondering what I was laughing at-on my list of why people read books was 

"Relationship Advice"

Tolerance

It seems like in the world today we are very tolerant. Accepting. We love everyone, and if we don't, well, we are just terrible people right? If we can't accept everyone, then we are, wow. We're just horrible.

So I know what you are thinking. Alright.. Yeah Jenny, where are you going with this? I thought you were a Christian and all "LOVE EVERYBODY BECAUSE GOD DOES!" ?

So first off, anyone who's met me on a good day, knows that I do love everyone. Even the people I sometimes want to hit over the head with a bat sometimes. I have no right to judge people, and I might have already said this, but I always give people a second chance. If someone has hurt me a ton then they lose my trust, but I still love them.
     Now I'm not saying I'm perfect when it comes to this, I don't always love everyone. In fact it's something I struggle with a lot, especially in the past few weeks.  

Alright back to the point now. So we're very tolerant. We accept everyone, everyone is equal, and we have to love everyone no matter what our differences are right? Right

Unless

Unless, the person in question is not tolerant. Then you can hate them. You can spit on the ground that they walk on, because they are not good people. Yep, I can hear the sound of your eyes rolling right now. You should know by now that I over exaggerate everything. But seriously, it is common for people to look down on the people who openly say they are not okay with everything.

Like us Christians.

Some (Most of the ones I've met) Christians are very open about what they do, and don't believe in. And if they don't believe in, oh I don't know.. Say gay marriage, they are shut out. Looked down upon. Normally, this is because people don't wait long enough to hear the full story.

Here's the thing about Christians-it is in our laws-right there in our Bible-that we be accepting of everyone. Even if we fundamentally do not agree with something that someone, that we accept them. We can pray for them and hope that your opinions will change (And don't freak out over that. It sounds harsh, but it's not), but we should still accept them. See the difference?

Now I'm not saying that everyone is going to be like that. I wish everyone was like that. But not everyone will. I think that most of us strive to be like that, but not all of us are. A quote you should know; "Love the sinner, not the sin". We pretty much all know that quote, and believe it.

So, here's my question-

If (some) Christians are so willing to work to accept people that they might fundamentally disagree with, why can't people work to accept Christians? 

So next time you meet a Christian, don't look down on them (not that you would), and give them a chance to explain themselves. You might be surprised by what you find.

Disclaimer! (if you can really call it that) I do not speak for everyone. I'm being a hypocrite and stereotyping. I know for a fact that not all Christians are that accepting and I know that not all non-Christians hate us. I'm just generalizing. 

FOR ANYONE WHO WANTS ME TO ADD TO THIS OR THINKS THAT I HAVE MISREPRESNTED YOU. PLEASE SHOOT ME AN EMAIL. WE WILL CHAT, AND IF NEED BE, I WILL CHANGE OR EVEN TAKE DOWN THIS POST. 

Thanks for reading guys! 

The Best Friend.

So... what exactly is a best friend? Is it someone you can rely on and call and talk to at any point of time? Someone that you text or call at any time and they would be eager to talk to you? I read this one in a book, someone that will lend you their car at any point you really need it? Does everyone have that person that your parents consider them their part-time child? And do their parents feel the same way about you? Someone that you hang out with all the time, someone who knows all your secrets and how to read you?

Is that it?

Okay, so who's your best friend? You don't have to tell me, just think about it. Are you one of those people who have one person that just jumps to mind, and you're smiling right now because you just thought of a funny moment with them? Are you one of those people who just have a bunch of people who jump to mind, and you can't really choose one?

Or are you like me, and can't think of anyone like that.?

To my friends, (since the majority of people who read this are my friends) I love all of you, and I consider most of you close, really close. I wouldn't have been able to get by these past few years without my friends. I don't mean to offend anyone by saying I don't have a "Best friend". I call a lot of people my best friends, and trust me, you are one of the most important people in my life, but for the sake of this post... based on the top description, I can't think of anyone.

Am I just putting to high a standard on best friends? I mean are they just someone who you can normally rely on and, so maybe you don't hang out with much, but hey, this is the 21st century! We live in the generation of texting and facetime. We don't actually see each other.

Maybe it's my fault. I'm kind of clingy.. and by kind of I mean very. And I have trust issues. I had some people who I thought of as my best friend, but when one of them hurt me I shut them all out, even though some of them had done nothing to me, at all. Maybe they weren't understanding enough (in my personal opinion), but is that really enough reason to dump a friend? No. So, maybe it's me. I can't let anyone get close enough to have a "best friend". You know, maybe I do have a best friend, I'm just too blind to see them.

Anyways. I'd love to actually hear from some of you guys. Tell me what your best friend is like, and what you think a real best friend is. And please feel free to yell at me, I'm used to it.

Again, I really REALLY don't mean to offend anyone. I really love all of you, and I couldn't get through, anything without you. :-) God has given me some of the most amazing friends on this earth, I just keep hearing these descriptions of best friends, and I just wonder... is it just me?

Have you ever questioned yourself?

Have you ever done something and wondered why you did it? Well okay, I'm sure that everyone has had a moment like that where they've done something stupid and couldn't figure out why they did it, but I mean something different.

Have you ever done something, that maybe wasn't that bad, but later you weren't sure why you did it?

What I mean by that is, did you ever wonder if you did it for yourself, or for the other person?

When I was little people told me that I was always searching for attention, and throughout the years that has made me overly self... judgmental. I'll do things, but then I won't be sure if I did that for the other person... or if I just did it to look better.

What if everything I do is just to feel better about myself? Or to get more attention? That would kind of make me a terrible person wouldn't it? What if I'm just posting this to get people to feel sorry for me?

It's just something I struggle with.

Let's see how many of you are alive out there.

Okay, so I want you to comment on this one. Give me one (or two, or three) word[s] describing what you think of this blog, and tell me how you heard of it.

K, can't wait to see your (most likely non-existent) comments!

The truth.

Alright guys, it's time for some hard news. People are going to hurt you. You will trust people that will make you feel like trust shouldn't exist. Adults, the people you think you should look up to will let you down. Some of them will tell you that your dream will never come true. Friends will betray you.

I know that it seems like I'm just a bitter teenager, but the fact is I'm not. I've been hurt countless times. I've had teachers tell me that I'm never going to get anywhere in music, the one thing I've wanted to do since I was a kid. I've had friends tell my secrets to my enemies. And yes. I've had my "best friend" get together with my ex.

It hurts. It hurts a lot, and if you're like me it hurts for a long time. And I know that it doesn't help when people older than you listen to your problems and they look down at you and say "Well that's high school."

So yeah. People will hurt you, and you need to figure out how to deal with that. And lemme tell you, drugs and cutting is not the way to do it. Find someone to be there for you. Or, you can be like me, and just deal with it yourself. But the biggest thing is you cannot let it make you think less of yourself. Look I know that some girl writing a blog on the internet is not going to make you confident in yourself. But, maybe I'll be just one person along the way to help you out with that idea. You know who I care about in your life? YOU. I don't care who tells you that you are not good enough for something. Go out and try it!

Wanna know a secret? I'm on my school diving team. I've wanted to be on that team for 6 years.

I was kicked off that team 3 times this year.

3 times! You know who hated herself at that point? This person right here. Yeah, Jenny. The person who might seem totally confident in herself.

You know why I kept coming back after I was told time and time again that I could not do it?

The thought of wanting to prove them wrong.

I still stink at diving, but I love the fact that I went out and tried it. And no matter how bad I am now, I know that I will try, and try and try, and I will continue to prove them wrong. And I'm doing it for me. Not for them. At least not anymore.

Guys. I know you will get hurt. I know people will let you down. But find someone who can keep you happy and up. If that person is you, then never let someone tell you that you are not worth it, because you are.

Alright. Love you guys, and never forget that.

Judging people. (sorry if this is a little scatter-brained sounding...)

Judging people is something that EVERYONE does. Don't try and be all high and mighty and tell everyone else that you don't. When you first see people, or first meet people, your brain will make little tiny judgments. What makes people judgmental or not is what we do with those judgments. Will you act on it, or will you ignore it and give the person an actual chance?

Now I'm not saying that if you have this feeling that this person is an axe murderer, and he's holding an axe and looks like he's about to kill you  that you shouldn't show caution, but I think you get my point. Sometimes those kids who look totally mean, or preppy, or drama..y and you don't think you want anything to do with them could end up being your best friend if you gave them a chance.

My family is well known in my school as the "Technical People" when it comes to our drama program, and I joined high school totally up for throwing myself into my family legacy. Only... It kind of (excuse my language) sucked. Not going to go into why, but last year I was miserable, and going into my sophomore year I needed a change. Not wanted, I needed one if I wanted to get through this year without ending up in a mental hospital.

Okay.. So what's the problem? What does this have to do with judging people?

Well because I was in the Drama department.. I didn't really think much of the athletes. Unless it's track, most drama and sport people don't really mix at my school. But... in my school it seems to be Drama or Athletics. So I changed to sports. Even though I was.. yes afraid of most of the people there. I thought they would judge my lack of skill, and just think of me as the Ames in the wrong place. But guess what... that didn't happen.

I met some of the nicest people ever this year. And guess what.. these people actually cared about me. They didn't judge me instantly, or if they did, they actually gave me a chance. This year was the first year I could actually say I was happy to get up in the morning.

But judging is a two way street.  (I know.. that phrase sounds wrong doesn't it... well anyways) I would be lying if I were to say that I went into my sports non-judgmental. No, I thought that the captains and stars of my teams would just be full of themselves and look down on everyone else. I am very happy to say that once I got past that, and actually gave people a chance to show me who they really are, I was really surprised. Sports at my school.. at least the ones I was involved in are not nearly as terrible as I thought they would be.

Once I got beyond my fear of messing up or someone hating me, I actually understood what it meant to be part of a team.

So guys, don't judge people, and don't judge things. Give people and new things (like clubs) a try, even if your first impression isn't the best. If you give them a second try, it might surprise you.