Poem for Advent

So, as per usual, I know it has been waayyy too long, but I wanted to share with you something I wrote for the Advent chapel at my school. The theme of the chapel was darkness to light, and finding hope in waiting even in this time of despair. I gotta say reading it on paper is nothing compared to seeing it performed, but I still wanted to share! Keep in mind, this is written to be a performance, so I know the poem itself could be better... Don't judge me too hard guys :-). Here it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I look at this aching world,

I feel assaulted by the despair

Because it seems that no matter where I turn

All I find is suffering.

Relationships that harm instead of heal:

Families torn apart pointlessly.

Sisters and brothers with physical and mental illness,

Friends and family who refuse to acknowledge they exist.

Outside it only gets worse.

Mass shootings in concerts and churches;

Bombings in mosques and on street sides

Hatred borne of fear, borne of ignorance.

Even the earth seems to be rebelling.

Hurricanes wiping out power for months;

Taking away homes and thousands of lives.

Earthquakes crushing cities, bringing hope down with them.

Where does it end, Lord?

When will this pain stop?

Because I’m starting to think

It will only consume us.

As I stand in all this pain,

All this anger,

One question keeps screaming in my head

“Where are you, God?”

But before even a tear hits the ground,

I hear a voice,

More heartbroken than mine,

Calling out in the darkness saying:

“I know this anger:

I know this pain.

And I am right here

With you.”

“I came down to you,

I lived life with you,

I suffered for you,

And I’m not done doing that.”

“I have walked with you -

All of you -

Through every moment of joy

And every moment of pain.

“Don’t forget: I rose again!

I came,

I stayed,

And I’m coming again.”

“So don’t lose hope:

Don’t despair.

I am God, who turns darkness into light,

And this darkness is no different.”

Looking around,

I still see pain,

But I start to see something more:

The light that proves God is still here.

Reconciliation where revenge once held fast;

Families joining with those who were lost.

People shouldering pain for those who cannot bear it themselves

Others speaking out for those who don’t have a voice.

Heroes saving friends

and strangers alike.

People previously unknown to each other

Rallying to help those in need

There is still anger,

But it will not win.

There is still pain,

But it will not prevail.

Because in the midst of this shattered world,

We have a God who creates light out of nothing,

A God who is not blind to pain,

But feels it - and fights it - with us.

And God has promised this is not all that God will do!

God is coming again,

And when God does, God will not just transform the darkness,

But eradicate it.

So God, give us the strength to wait -

And not just wait in despair,

Just barely holding on -

But wait with hopeful fire!

I don’t know how you’ll do it Lord,

But I do know I keep hearing one repeated promise,

Quiet but strong:

“I am coming”

To Be Broken

"This. This is the Jenny I want! Not the one who was in the room."

This was a line a friend of mine gave me a few years back, at a time in my life when I was really struggling with not letting my depression control me. The Jenny who had just been in the room had been struggling with holding off some sort of attack (there were many, many tears). The Jenny this person wanted was the one who had sucked it up and put on her "happy-go-lucky" face (who can be pretty funny I must admit).

At the time I didn't think anything of the comment, because I understood where this person was coming from. It took me a few weeks and some wisdom from a friend to understand why this comment wasn't okay.

When I told one of my friends this story shortly after it happened, she was furious. I don't remember most of the conversation, but what I do remember her saying exactly was "Both those people are you Jenny! People don't get to just choose which one they want! It's all you."

Huh.

To be honest I didn't fully understand what she meant until a while later. Deep down I knew what she was saying, but I just kept telling myself she didn't understand how awful the depressed side of me was, and how long I had been there. I told myself this person had every right not to want, not to love, the broken part of me.

I think a lot of us who struggle with mental illness have felt this way. We feel like people should not have to deal with the less fun sides of us. Sometimes we just feel like we are just far too broken for anyone to love, and we cannot blame anyone for wanting to leave because of it.

Well, now that I am a few years out, I can tell you this belief is complete, and utter crap.

We have a God who loves us unconditionally, and we are in a GIANT family full of people who are called to love us the same way.

I mean can you imagine if that was how Jesus loved? If He came down and said He would take all of us, but not those of us who were broken? I don't think any of us would qualify.

Here's the thing about brokenness. We are all broken. And not one of us is more broken than the next person, we're just broken in different ways. And our brokenness is part of who we are, it doesn't define us--no God does that--but you can't just take the pieces of us you like and think you still have us. If you take out someone's brokenness, you take away that person. If you can't love someone even when their brokenness is obvious, then I'm sorry, but you are not really loving them.

Guys, every piece of you is so, so worthy. Even when you're hard to deal with. For people like me, even when your mind is keeping you in a cage for a long time, you still deserve love. 

Which doesn't mean people need to just accept when you're not fighting it. Let's jump really quickly back to my story at the start of this post. At the time it happened, I understood where this person was coming from, and I still do, and I don't hold anything against them to this day, it's just a perfect illustration for what I wanted to say. I think this person was warranted in some frustration with me, because I wasn't doing much about the season I was in. I wasn't fighting the depression at all, and that attack I had been dealing with? I'm pretty sure it was my fault. Someone needed to say something, just not that. 

To love someone is to push them when they need it. When I am in a place like the one I was in then, I need some tough love, I need someone to tell me to work on moving out of that place. But pushing does not mean telling me to "deal with it", and then just walking away until I can fix it. I think that's what my friend wanted me to do. Put when you push out of love (yes I know that sounds incredibly cheesy I am very sorry), you tell them they need to start moving out of that place, and then you stay and help them do it. We were meant to fight each other's battles together. 

There are people who will do that guys. I have been blessed with many friends who have stuck with me through it all. And there have been many, many low points in my life. I have a friend who has helped to realize all of this, because when I thank her for accepting me (on a very regular basis), she always scoffs and says "I don't accept you Jenny. I love you."

I know this is not my best post, and I know it probably sounds a little jumbled, so I apologize for that, but I felt like I needed to write this now. I want to tell those of you like me who think your brokenness should not be something that other people should have to deal with that you're wrong. It's not dealing with anything. It's a part of loving you. 

And you're worth that. 

Not a Punching Bag

Basically my entire life people have used me as an emotional punching bag. I think many of us have gone through this, so in no way am I trying to seem "special", or get any pity. I'm simply stating a fact.

Growing up so many of my friends would be having a bad day and I would know they were because they treated me like crap that day. I remember one specific day in high school I had two friends who were awful to me, and they told me they were just having a bad day so I needed to suck it up. My guinea pig had died that morning. But hey, they were having bad days.

In food service they tell you to always treat the customer well, even if they treat you horribly because they might be having a bad day, and you don't know their backgrounds. But then again, I guess those customers who treat you like crap don't know how bad your day is going either, now do they? (Side note, I believe everyone needs to work in retail and food service for like two months of their lives. The way you treat other people when you've experienced it changes drastically.)

So many times in my life people told me I just needed to take it, and be understanding when people were mean to me because they were going through a rough time. And you know what? I wanted to help them so I did.

Then I got to college. Freshman year one of my friends was going through a rough time, and I told him if he needed me to, I would gladly be his punching bag. He didn't take me up on that offer.

It was him who, a few weeks later, told me that should never be okay. I should never accept that, because I'm not a punching bag, and I was not put on this earth so others could take their emotions out on me.

I've realized a few things since then. It is never okay to take your anger, or pain, or anxiety out on someone else. Yes. Yes we all do it, and it does not make us monsters. I did it yesterday actually. But just because we all do it does not make it okay, and frankly I'm sick of people using that as an excuse to do it.

When you're the one who is allowing your emotions to change how you treat others, here's a different option. I attempt to tell people what is going on in my mind and let them know that it might affect my behavior. Is that an excuse? No, there is none, but it's me trying my hardest to give an explanation. Do I always succeed, in doing this, and does explaining why it's happening make it okay? Of course not. But it's me trying. There will be times I either will not have a conversation in the moment or actually walk away from the conversation if I don't trust my emotions not to take over. Like I said, it doesn't fix the problem, but it's a step.

When you're on the other side, stop it. Here's something else important to know: letting other take it our on you does not actually help them. If you're anything like me you might feel guilty for being harsh with your friend while they are going through something, and you just want to help them get better. Well letting them drag you down is not going to help them get better, and it is not loving them the right way. If they're focusing on the anger and hurt so much it's overflowing to you, it's just going to harm them to let them continue. Allowing yourself to be a punching bag is not the answer in how to help your friend. Furthermore, you have the right to love yourself enough to tell them what they are doing is not okay, and not put up with it anymore.

Here's what I hope I will always have the courage to say to the people I love who are taking their anger out on me in the future: "Look, I know you're hurting, and I will gladly and forever be a shoulder for you to lean on. But I refuse to be your punching bag. I love you, and I respect myself way too much for that."

Guys I'm so, so sorry for every time I've taken my hurt, fear, or anger out on you. I am so sorry. I never meant to use my flesh as an excuse to treat you poorly. But I know I have done so, too many times in the past. My promise to you tonight is that I will try harder, I will pray about and work with God on this.

And I promise I will always be there for you. But I won't be your punching bag.

A Night in the Life of My Depression

There's this feeling inside me. The only way I can think of to define it is that it is a heavy, straining... emptiness.

It may be emptiness but it makes me feel like I either need to scream or explode. I want to do nothing but curl up in the back of my car, perhaps the only place I can be alone, and cry.

There is a voice haunting me, maybe it is my own, or maybe like Jesus said there is an enemy of my soul out to get me and that is what I am fighting this battle with now.

I am a failure it tells me. They don't want me around, they are simply too polite to say anything else. I should know enough to just stop going, that would be better for everyone.

I start the night out cold and reserved, as I think they would want it, and I believe is best for me, but by the end I have opened up, am laughing and joking around like I used to. But as soon as I get in the car to drive away this emptiness overtakes me again. I have messed up, I have shown them my true self, something they clearly don't want to see. I am drowning in the belief they must truly hate me and can't wait for me to be gone.

I wish I could just run away.

So I try reaching out to some friends, but before I can even get their voicemail I stop, realizing I don't even know what I want to say to them. I probably just want to complain, as I always do, which will only drive them away too.

I wish someone could see that there's something wrong, but I know I hide it, and if I were to open up to anyone I would walk away terrified they would just leave me too anyways. I'm lost.

So I start praying. At first I ask God to help me shut down, like I used to. I ask God if I can get better at hiding things, at closing people out. But then I remember that's not what God wants for God's children. Not for the people I was meant to love, not for me.

Tears start falling as I cry out to God, with no real words, just pain, and fear, and brokenness.

God I don't want to be like this.  I want to love people right. I want to let myself be loved right. I don't want to miss out on you, or your people, or any part of the plan you had for me or them. I don't want to believe the worst of my brothers and sisters, and I don't want to believe the worst of me.

When I get home someone does see that something's wrong--my mom. She listens to what I'm speaking through tears, hugs me and prays that Jesus will touch her Jenny. She tells me none of it is true, that I am just afraid, of being hurt and of hurting other people. I'm afraid I'm worthless, but I'm not. I'm afraid I will never make a difference in anyone's life, but that has already been proven false dozens of times.

When this sinks in, I start talking to someone else, someone who (might be too charismatic, but oh well, sorry) I'm pretty sure is behind the voice haunting me.

You don't control me. You don't get to use my brothers and my sisters against me. You don't get them to keep me from being the woman I was meant to be. You can't use my fears because they do not, and will never, rule me. You with NEVER win against my God. My God loves me, my God wants more for me. My God is with me and will fight the battle with me every moment I am stuck in it, and you will always lose. There will be more, but I know my God will beat you every time. So I am ready for this war, finally, and I know I am on the winning side.

We are ready, are you?

One Day Too Late

I almost died last week. I was driving the car that could have killed someone last week.

Okay, let me explain. Last week I was driving down to see some friends in a different state. The weather was awful, complete downpour, the highways were flooding. I wasn't really thinking much of it to be honest, I was more annoyed by the insane traffic that was adding an hour onto my 5 hour trip. Then, finally, the traffic cleared up a bit. For the first time in two hours there was a decent amount of space between cars, and I was quite happy about that.

It was like this for about five minutes when I watched a white car in the far left lane try to merge right (I assume that's what he was doing), and hydroplane. He spun across three lanes of traffic, and ended up sideways in mine, the far right lane, only about ten car lengths in front of me. I saw his face, my car was going towards him, I was slowing down but I couldn't slam the breaks--there was tons of water on the ground, I would have lost control too. Then, somehow, the car spun back across the three lanes of traffic, ended up stopped, on the shoulder, facing the wrong direction. Somehow, no one got hurt. Somehow no car came out with even a scratch. Somehow.

Needless to say I was a little shaken, and yes, tears did start flowing from my eyes. I have never been that scared in my life. I probably should have stopped, but instead I slowed down much slower than the speed limit and kept driving, because at that point I really just needed to be with someone. I needed a hug, so I kept going. The sun came out and the roads got dry literally 10 minutes after this happened, and I felt much better about driving, though I was certainly still scared.

So I started praying. I didn't even know what to say, besides thank you, thank you, thank you, for the many odd coincidences that had me driving my moms car that could handle that weather rather than mine that couldn't. Thank you for giving me another day. Thank you that no one got hurt, thank you for protecting everyone. Thank you for not letting my car kill that man.

Hey, I'm 21. I think I'm invincible. I am not. That almost crash proved I am not.

I think the first thing I thought about was my family and friends. I hadn't said goodbye or I love you to my brother or sister in ages. I only said I love you to my mom because as I was walking out I got  a weird feeling that I should say it because something might happen that weekend (yeah I know. It's creepy). I don't remember if I told my dad. And my friends? Definitely have not been good at keeping in contact with them this summer and letting them know how much they mean to me. And I almost did not have a chance to again. I thanked God for giving me another opportunity to love them, and apologized for not loving my brothers and sisters constantly the way they should be.

Then I started thinking about my relationship with God.

Last year I did a project on Julian of Norwich with a friend. In case you don't know (I'm guessing you don't) Julian of Norwich was a mystic, and is now a saint. I don't have time to go into her story as fully as I like to, but here's the important part: When Julian was a young woman she got incredibly sick and almost died. She writes in her book that when she realized she was going to die, she got sad. But she wasn't sad because she was going to be dying, she was sad that she wasn't about to get to know and serve God better in this life. I did not really understand this at that point in my life.

I got that last week. As I was talking to God, I finally began to apologize. "God, I am so not what you made me to be. God I am sorry I don't know you better, I'm sorry I have not shown you to others as well as I should. I am sorry I have wasted this life. I'm sorry I life every day as though there's another one coming tomorrow and I use that as an excuse not to try that hard." It hit me so hard that I hardly know God, and I have had the chance to know God and show God to others for 21 years, and far, far too often have I failed at that.

I don't read my bible enough. I don't pray enough. I don't pray for others out loud enough. I don't. And I think somewhere deep inside of me I think that someday I'm just going to magically get better at it and then it will be fine and everything before that won't really matter. So living the way I do is fine. I'm only 21. I got time.

But I might not. To be honest, even if I do, why am I allowing myself to miss out on living this God consciously walking beside God now? I know life is more joyful and better that way. What am I doing? 

I am not the sister, daughter, or friend I want to be. I do not love people like Jesus, and I tell myself I'll have more time to. I do not serve God the way God made me to. And I have missed out on so very much.

Look I'm not writing this to scare you, or say you need to go into every day terrified it's your last. Don't be driven by fear or anxiety. Be driven by the fact you have a God that loves you, and every day you wake up God wants to do that day with you. Every day is truly a gift (again, I know, a cliche, stick with me), and every day is another day to serve God. Don't go into every day scared it's your last, go into every day joyful you have another one.

So read your bible more. Talk to God more. Try harder in your friendships, tell your family and friends how much they mean to you. If you're holding a grudge, talk to whoever it's at about it. Don't take your anger out on someone who doesn't deserve and not apologize. Don't pretend tomorrow is a better day to be an ambassador of Christ than today.

I know this is somewhat morbid and I apologize for that, but I wanted to share with you what I learned. Thank you for reading my posts, and thank you to everyone who has encouraged me in writing. You don't know how much you mean to me and I hate that you don't. If you're a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, know that I am sorry and I love you. I really do.

I love you guys, you are all seriously amazing. Thank you.

Not so Plain Old New England

Last summer I cried every single day. I felt with each passing day came another uphill battle, and I wondered if I was ever going to get better. I felt I must be weak and broken if I was having such a struggle to just be happy.

Because of last summer I became a new person. I went into the summer angry, negative, and completely ungrateful for way too much. I came out someone who was much more positive, caring, hopeful, and trusting.

Last summer I allowed myself to listen and be changed by God, truly, for the first time.

For those of you who don't know, I spent last summer in Alaska. Some of what I just said might seem to make sense to you now, because as one of my favorite professors once said "things happen in Alaska!". Alaska is a crazy beautiful place, and it feels almost magical when you get there (I describe it a bit more in my post "Losing God" if you're interested...this post is going to be somewhat similar to that one, just a warning). Things... things just happen in Alaska, people are changed in Alaska, that just goes with the nature of being Alaska. If you ever want to know the details, ask me about it sometime, I'd love to talk about it with you. But right now I want to focus on something a little different.

So when I left, everything felt a bit like a let down. I was going back to the plain old lower 48, and I knew going into it I was going to lose some of what I had gained. After all, I was leaving Alaska, the place where things happen.

Slowly over the course of the year I lost the woman I had become in Alaska. I went back to being negative, to neglecting my time in the Bible and with God, I started closing up again, I began to see only the worst in myself. Hopefully I was not back to the way I had been at the end of the year leading into my Alaskan summer, but I certainly had gone back a few steps.

And you know what? I think I almost believed it was because of where I was. I was back in the boring place I went to school, back to the town I grew up in--of course that was not it at all, but I'll get back to that in a bit.

This summer is the first summer since I started college that I will be spending at home. Back in plain old New England, surrounded by people who have known me since I was born and, yes, a few new people. And I'm pretty sure because I came back here I had this idea in my mind that this summer was in no way going to change me. I've spent 21 years of my life here, what amazing thing could possibly happen that would transform me the way the summer before had? I don't believe I really thought God would be moving much in this place, or that God ever does.

Then God reminded me of something.

The other day I was watching the sky, procrastinating as I often do, and I realized something. New England is beautiful. The sunrises and sunsets, the trees in the fall, the animals in the summer, the stars at night, they are all so, so beautiful. Looking around here makes it so clear God is an artist, something I first thought of while I was in Alaska.

Every day in Alaska I looked around and marveled at how the hands that made the mountains and sea around me had also made me. The other day I realized the same hands that make the beautiful sights around me (and yes, they are just as beautiful, just a little bit different), made the ones in Alaska, and me.

The other day I realized I don't think God is as present in some places as God is in others. I didn't expect to find God here, at home, because I did not see anything special about it. I expected this summer to just be "normal" as the rest of my life is, so I did not even open up my heart to be moved by God.

I think we often think God needs to work in these huge and crazy ways to actually make a difference. When we are surrounded by things we see as "normal", we don't expect to find God, so we do not look for God. We do not open ourselves up to God. Going into this summer I did not expect anything big or exciting to happen, so I prepared myself to go a summer unchanged. And in doing that I think my heart started to become unchangeable.

What a waste! What a complete misunderstand of who God is. And I can't believe I even let a few weeks pass like that (though, if we're honest, I've probably been in this mindset since I left AK). It wasn't the physical location I was in God was unable to move in, it was in my cemented and stubborn heart.

And dang. I am so so sorry about that. I am sorry to the people who have watched me become negative. I am sorry to the people who have tried to help me see the positive side of things, and just been shut down. And I am so sorry to my God who knew I always had the potential to do something big, even when I truly believed God couldn't. Because of something as stupid a physical location.

Yes, I am not spending this summer in Alaska, I am not doing anything overly "exciting" like working at a whale watching company where I get to go on free tours whenever I can, with people who are amazing in ways I can't even start to fit in this sentence. But hey. I am spending the summer in New England, doing some pretty mundane but wicked awesome things, with some pretty fantastic people, some old, some new. And God is going to move in my heart. Because I am going to be looking for God every day. I am going to be fighting for God, I am going to be fighting to be the woman God made me to be.

Even in plain old New England. And I hope that if you find yourself somewhere you think is boring, you do too.

Hey as always, I'll be praying for you guys, remember you are loved, I'll talk to you soon :-).

As yourself

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with my father a few years ago a lot lately. It was two years ago, and I was working my way out of the lowest low I had ever (and have ever so far) felt. We must have been talking about my opinion of myself because the only thing I remember vividly from the conversation is the very end of it.

My father looked at me and seemingly randomly asked me what the second greatest commandment was. A little startled I responded quickly that it is to love your neighbor as yourself. He gave me a second to think, and then repeated what I had said.

"Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your neighbor as yourself Jenny."

Very confused, and a little hurt, as I have always tried to put my neighbor before me, I just stared at him blankly for a few seconds.

"Love your neighbor as yourself Jenny."

After the third time I finally asked him what his point could possibly be, fairly exasperated and feeling a bit frustrated at that teachers (my father is a teacher) always seem to want you to come up with your own answer, even when they ask senseless questions. Or in this case, don't even ask questions at all.

"Jenny, how are you supposed to love your neighbor as yourself if you hate yourself? Because I'm pretty sure Jesus did not mean you were supposed to hate them."


Wow.


That hit me pretty hard. I remember the conversation ended there for no reason other than I had absolutely no response to that. Yes, we are told in many different places in the Bible that we are to put others before ourselves, but I can't think of anywhere that says we are supposed to love others more than we are supposed to love ourselves. And I had completely missed that.

This idea got pounded into my skull even more a few months later when I was watching a project someone had done on the life of a saint (sadly I cannot remember which one). That group said the saint had seen humans as God's masterpiece. That changed my perspective on looking at other people certainly, but I also was reminded that I was a human too. God had made me too. I was a masterpiece too.

Recently I watched a new anime (yeah I know. Judge all you want, I ain't ashamed) where one of the characters went out of his way to do everything he could for other people, even when it was most likely going to kill him. He wanted to save everyone but himself, and the other characters told him he was a hypocrite because of it. To be honest I was pretty surprised by that because you just don't see people putting down that mindset...well ever, and to be honest I don't know if I completely agree with them to the extent they were taking it, but it did certainly make me think a bit.

Does wanting to save others with zero regard for your own life really make you a hypocrite? The conclusion I have come to is it depends on your motivation behind it. I believe the issue comes in when you want to save other people at any cost because you see them a human who deserves to be saved because they are God's masterpiece (or if you're not religious, simply they are a human), and you think you are less than they are. You think everyone deserves to be saved except for yourself, because somehow, you are less than everyone else.

Hey, let me tell you something. We have a God who loves us immensely, and sees us all as nothing other than His beloved children. I know many  people hate the song Good Good Father at this point because it has been so over played, but there is one line I think we all need to hear over and over again. It's "...and I am loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am". Well I mean it's who we are, but I'll let this one slide for now. I am loved by God, and that is who I am. Think about that for a second.

We are not our past, present, future, or any of the mistakes that lie within them. We are not our accomplishments. We are not the scars that will forever be a part of us. We are loved by God, we are part of a family that is forever loved and claimed by God, and that is all that matters.

What I'm trying to say is this: you are not less than anyone, and God does not see you as less than anyone. You deserve just as much love and care as your friends and those you want to protect do. You, just like them, are a masterpiece of God, and it is perfectly okay, and actually quite good, to acknowledge and boast in that. It is not selfish, it is taking care of a part of God's creation--you.

I also believe another reason so many good people think so poorly of themselves is because they think in order to actually be a good person, or a good christian, they are not allowed to love themselves. I don't really know why this is a thing, but I have certainly felt that way before, and I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one. We believe we should not give ourselves time to take care of us, or we should not allow ourselves to vent or cry or anything, because it's time we should be using to help someone else. We feel like if we love ourselves we are doing something wrong, because we should be constantly working on ourselves and trying to be more like God, and to do that we need to know we are are not perfect.


But we don't think other people need to be perfect to be good do we? Often we wish our friends could just see the good in themselves and love themselves the way we love them, right? We know sometimes our friends can't help themselves and we don't want them to feel like they have to go through it alone. We are there for them, and they were not made to go through this life miserable. There are so many things we think our friends deserve more than we do, don't we? I wonder what God thinks about that. I bet He is happy we are looking out for His children, but I wonder if it breaks His heart to see we have forgotten we are His child too.


Don't think of yourself insignificant or unimportant, because you God's creation, and you are putting part of His creation down. And I know you've probably heard that before, but try to think about it like this. God boasts in you, God is proud of you, God wants to take care of you and protect you, God loves you. Certainly God sees our mistakes and I do truly believe we hurt Him sometimes, but He loves us and does not believe we should be given up on because of it. We can feel that way about ourselves as well. We can love ourselves. We can take care of ourselves, even if it means once in a while we can't help someone else out for a brief amount of time. It's not selfish. It's taking care of the gift God gave you with this life, with this body, with this time. Remember that.

So I want to leave with this piece of advice. Never forget to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. Never forget to love your neighbor and look out for them. But never forget to love yourself as you would love your neighbor as well. Never more, but never less. You are just as loved and as worthy as they are.

And let me tell you a secret, they probably think you are much more worthy than they are too. You are loved. Remind yourself of that.

Hey, I hope that was helpful for someone, I love you, and I'm praying for you.

Losing God

“I never knew there was so much green in the whole universe...” This line from Rey in The Force Awakens, and the look that Han Solo gives to her right after she said it was one of my arguments to my best friend as to why he must know who she is. It was a look of guilt. Since then my opinions have changed, and I’ve come to the conclusion that that look was not one of guilt, it was simply one of sadness for this girl, who found unbelievable beauty in something so ordinary for him. She couldn’t fathom it, it was beautiful to her, and he thought of it as a normal every-day thing.

But no, this post is not about Star Wars and who I think Rey is, though I could certainly go on for hours about that. So worry not my non-star-wars-loving friends. This is about something much bigger.

I had my own experience that was similar to Han’s when I went to Alaska and went for a hike with a couple from Denver and two boys from Ohio this summer.

After the most perfect day I could ever imagine, my friends and I settled at the top of a mountain to spend the night. It was towards the end of the summer, so the sun did go down eventually, around eleven o’clock that night, and the stars came out. And these two guys from Ohio were put in absolute awe. They had never seen so many stars... They didn’t even really know that there were that many stars out there. Me, being from a place where light pollution is not all that dominate, was not surprised by the stars, and while I thought they were beautiful, I did not really see it as something from God... until they forced me to remember how special a sky full of stars is, how much of a gift it is-that small look into how beautiful God is.

When I first got to Alaska the views literally made me cry... To look at mountains that looked like someone had photoshopped them and placed them right next to the building I was living in. To look at water that was crystal clear and filled with playful otters and sea lions and seals, and oh yeah, giant whales. To walk out on the gloomiest of days and still be able to see just how beautiful God had made this place... When I first got to Alaska everywhere I looked I could see Christ.

But by the end of my time there, three and a half months later, I was not quite as speechless, as astonished or humbled as I had been before. I did not walk out of my room every day and think to myself “The hands that made that, thought you were worth taking the time to make too. The creator that can move those mountains, walks with you every day. He made that for you.”

We lose sight of God in the things that become ordinary to us.

There is a never ending list of the blessings that God has poured out upon me that I either have forgotten isn’t a right to me (a bed to sleep in at night, food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear, ways to communicate with my family and friends), or have found a way to complain about (warmth, water falling from the sky, schoolwork). I forget that these “simple” things are things that people in this world have literally killed for, and I get them with no struggle at all.

That’s God. And I miss Him in all of these things Every. Day.

My freshman year of college was rough for me, and I found myself asking God where He was on a regular basis. The answer is in everything good that was surrounding me. He is in the trees that give us air to breath and the grass that I love to lay in. He is in the friendships that have saved my life. He is in my friend’s dancing, their laughter, their music (think for a second about the fact that some people have never heard music... I do not know what I would do if I lost the ability to hear music). God is everywhere, He is in everything good, and we are surrounded by good things every day, sometimes we just have to remind ourselves of that.

I do not want to look at the life God has saturated with blessings every day and miss the most important part, because I am so used to it. I want to look around and see God and be thankful and joyful that my Lord is everywhere. That He chooses to give me things.

I do not want to lose the amazement that Rey, and those boys from Ohio had when they saw something beautiful for the first time, just because I am so blessed to be used to it.

Think about it like this for a moment, I know at least for me, when I see my best friends, even if I had just seen them an hour ago, I get so happy, and a smile almost always comes to my face. Even if I live with them and see them All. The. Time. I (almost) never get sick of their beauty or stop seeing it (which is another blessing from God). Obviously I have my bad days, and I apologize to those of you I have taken for granted and do not show you how special you are to me anymore. But I’m working on it.

Well I want to be like that with God. I want to be in awe of His beauty every time I see Him. I never want to take His glory and goodness for granted. I never want to lose sight of Him.

So I need to remember He is in everything good. He is in “ordinary” things that I take for granted, just as much as He is in amazing things.

And I hope you will too.

My Fear

I have this fear. I think it's a common fear, but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with, or anyone else who has it. I will say that knowing I'm not alone in my fear certainly helps me feel encouraged, but it doesn't change it.

I fear being completely alone in the end. I fear that once people get bored with me, they'll leave. I fear that once people are out of my life physically, they'll forget me (I've always said I'm an out of sight, out of mind type of person). I fear that people who do stay, do so out of obligation. I fear that I'm someone no one could care about enough to put in the effort to remember.

So I've lived my life in a way that I can protect myself, in case my fear is actually a reality. While I'm open about most everything in my life, I hold people at a distance. While I'll pretty much tell you about any of my problems, or anything that's gone on in my life, the second you try to support me in them, I honestly need to fight pretty hard to not run away from you. I will never ask for help in fear I'll annoy you by needing it. I won't tell you something awesome that has happened, some way God worked in my life that I'm excited about, because I'm afraid you wouldn't care, and it would just be a burden to you. Or, maybe you'd come back with a cold response, and I'll realize how stupid I am. I'm afraid you were lying when you said you'd always be there, or you will regret offering. I'm afraid you would never want to just talk to me, so I never start a conversation, even though I'm dying to talk to you.

So from the moment I meet you, I live like you're going to leave me. That's fairly surprising to most people, because I am so open, people believe I'm really vulnerable... But trust me when I tell you there has only been a handful of people I can think of that I have treated like I wasn't afraid of them leaving me. And I was either dating or related to more than half of them.

But I've met some people this summer who have made me re-think that... Made me want to not live in fear anymore. Because if I had done that with them... I would have missed out on some seriously amazing people.

Before I go on, I do want to make it clear that I don't feel like I need to let my walls down for everyone. Or that the only way to achieve what I'm going to be striving for is by letting everyone all the way in. Because I don't believe that at all. I just... think at least I need to work on letting more people in, really in.

But I don't want to miss out on anyone else, or anything else because I'm afraid. I think I realized that when I believe people are going to be gone in a few days, weeks, or even years (yeah that's right. I've put up really thick walls because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose people in years) I spend my time not letting them get too close, because I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it when they leave, which I miss out on the blessing that is them for however long I get them. Which with every person I met this summer, I knew was probably going to be a short time. I got to know some really amazing people, and I learned quite a bit about myself this summer because I didn't let fear control me, and I slowly learned to live in the moment in my relationships. Instead of bracing myself for the pain they will bring me in the future, for the first time in my life, I was able to take joy in just knowing them in the moment.

I also think my fear has kept me from loving people completely.

One of the things I regret the most was seriously hurting someone who was really important to me, because I did not let myself believe he cared about me enough for me to be able to hurt him. (Pretty messed up, I know). I never want to do that again. I want to treat people like I want them to have a place in my life, and my heart forever, if they want it... Not like there's no chance they would stick around.

I want to love people like Jesus, the man who got crucified for billions of people who were going to turn around and spit in His face, who were going to break His heart, over and over and over again.

And fear of needing to put my heart back together again is keeping me from doing that.

So, I'm sorry to those of you I've missed out on. I'm sorry to those of you who I've put a brick wall up for.

I'm sorry I was too afraid to allow myself to accept a blessing that I saw as only temporary.

Because I know now, that the changes you would have made on my heart had I let you make them, would be there forever.

Working With God

So this summer I have the amazing gift of being able to work and do ministry in Alaska  through A Christian Ministries in the National Parks with my mentor, and I am overjoyed about it. There are no words to describe how beautiful it is here, and honestly, the people are so so nice here, it's a very different culture from the cold New England attitude I come from.

But the best thing about this summer is how much I am learning about myself and God, and how God is working in my life. I really want to tell you about one of the things that has been working on my heart.

So the day after I got here, my mentor and I were walking around Anchorage, just talking and enjoying the area. And she told me about this concept that she had learned about this year, that she really wanted me to keep in mind while we worked together this summer.

The concept was the difference between being used by God, and working with God.

Think about it like this, would you want your boyfriend or friends or family to use you? No, that's not a healthy relationship, and it also implies that the other person is only in the relationship to get something out of it. That's not what our relationship with the Lord is supposed to look like.

When I have loved people, I have wanted the best for them, I have wanted them to get where they want to go in life, and I have wanted to help them achieve those things. But I have wanted to work with them to help them get there, not just be a stepping stool for them.

And I honestly believe that is what God wants out of His relationship with us too. We are called to spread the word about His love and Him, and show people Him. And at least personally there have really been times where I pretty much feel like I'm just supposed to be God's robot, none of me in my body doing anything, just Him. And to a point that's true, but I know I at least have a tendency to take that to too much of an extreme.  God gave each of us different personalities, and I think He did that for a reason.

Yes there is supposed to be WAY more of Him than our sinful selves in us, but there is supposed to be some of us. I don't think God put us on the earth with the thought "Okay Jeanette, here you are in the world, I'm making you different from everyone else, giving you your own gifts and unique things to love about you, you are like no one else. Now don't use any of those things I have given you to make you you in the world."

God is supposed to shine through us, but I think he made us like stained glass windows, each showing Him in a different light. Showing the same thing in different colors. Because I think everyone is blind to some colors, and they need the light to shine through a different one to see it fully. And even more importantly, all the different colors put together are what make the picture whole and beautiful.

I think it is really easy to want to have none of ourselves in us, and only God showing, because it is really easy for us to only see the horrible things about ourselves. But each of us have God's fingerprint on us, meaning there is something really special about each of us. And God wants to work with each one of His unique creations. If he simply wanted us to be nothing more than tools, He could have made us much easier to use.

But I think he doesn't want to use us, I think He wants to work with us.

And I think that's wicked awesome.

Happiness

So here's the thing, that I really never want to admit to people, but I think I want to tell you guys. I have depression, and pretty bad anxiety too. There have been times when it's intense debilitating anxiety or depression, and I've gone through most of my life trying to fight it, and most of the time, I will admit I lost that battle.

I remember the first time I told my best friend in college that I had depression, he told me to just be happy. Which, as you might guess, kind of ticked me off. I told him it's not a switch, but I would do my best to hide it better. I'm sure you've seen those posts on facebook or something similar where people sarcastically respond to comments like his with something like "oh. wow, thank you so much! I'm cured, I didn't know that I should just be happy, that makes all the difference!"

We say it's not a choice. Because it's not normally. We don't like to be upset, we don't like to hurt this much. If we could just be happy we would. But it's not a choice.

But recently, I've started questioning that. And before you get mad or upset, remember, I am someone who goes through depression and deals with it on the daily. I am someone who has literally felt the weight of depression pushing down on me. There have been times in my life where I prayed every day that God would take me home, because I couldn't take it anymore. I know what depression, what hopelessness, can feel like.

But I think in a way, happiness is a choice. I think just being happy, as in, waking up every morning joyful, that I don't think is a choice. That doesn't just happen to people. But I think the problem can sometimes be that we don't understand that happiness isn't just something we stumble upon, pick up, and never have to work at again.

Happiness is a fight.

And the choice we make is whether or not we are going to fight that fight.

But it's not a choice you just make once, and then you're good. It's not a one battle war. Every morning when you wake up you have to make the choice to fight.

And that's really scary... Trust me I know.

Excuse my language, but it royally sucks to find out that you can never stop fighting for happiness. To find out that once you find it, you don't just get it. It stinks that there are going to be times where the depression and hurt take over again, right when you feel like you've finally said goodbye for the last time, and you know you have to start fighting will all your might again.

But it's worth it, I promise. Fighting hard every day for joy is so much better than misery you've made yourself comfortable with.

When I was a freshman in high school, someone said to me for the first time that I was not trying to let go of my depression, or at least fighting it, because I was afraid of what anything else was like. I knew I was miserable where I was, but I was afraid of anything else. I was miserable but at least I knew how to handle what I was going through. At least I knew I could survive it. I was comfortable.

It took me a while to really realize how right she was. I wasn't looking to change anything, because I was afraid if I tried to stand up, the world would knock me over, and I wouldn't know how to recover. I was afraid to hope that there was anything else, because I did not want to get hurt when what I was hoping for did not work out for me.

I stayed in the hell I knew, because I was afraid that the heaven I was looking for was just a new hell.

But living in misery is no way to live either. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, and do something that terrifies you.

It could take a long time, and a really hard battle, but you just might find joy, and all the fighting will be worth it.

Promise.

Worship.

Before I start, I feel the need to say that the first three "paragraphs" are not me trying to compare myself to my friends and put myself down. There is a point. 

Worship: (n) the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.

I love to sing. If you've known me for more than twenty minutes it is likely that you are aware of this fact. I've been told I'm decent. But I'm nothing compared to my roommate Hannah, who is a double major in music and Spanish, and whose voice makes me want to cry it's so beautiful.

I also love to write. Not many people know this part of me at my school (well I mean.. I write a blog so some people might have picked up on it, but who knows?). I've been told I'm good at it. But I'm nothing compared to one of my best friends Sage, who is an English major, and her writing is something I never want to stop reading.

I love to dance. Very few people know this about me. I have been told multiple times people are very surprised when they see me dance, to see that I'm actually pretty good at it. But I'm nothing compared to my other best friend Megan, who is in a number of dance groups on campus, has been dancing most of her life, and dances with a joy that is contagious.

What I love most about these people is that they take some (they have many more) of their greatest talents and use them to worship God.

Hannah uses her music to worship God, and not even only when she's singing praise and worship music. Any time she's singing or playing, she's worshiping God. She gets to make this beautiful noise and share it with the world, and it's all because of God. When I was younger and played Viola well, I remember thinking that violas allowed humans to make a sound that is much more beautiful than we ever could have done on our own. When I was playing, and when Hannah's playing, we get to say "Hey! Listen to this! This is our God showing some of his wonderfulness through us. Let us show you how beautiful He is." While praising God saying "Thank you so much for giving me something I love, thank you for showing this to me. Thank you for this talent. Thank you for speaking through me in the most incredible of ways."

Sage has told me numerous times that writing to her is worship. She puts it much more eloquently than I can:
"God has been likened to an author throughout history, and it is not hard to see why, for it is God that creates the stories of every being that has ever lived. Being a writer has led me to encounter and explore new depths of God that I had never considered before. Each time I write, I glimpse a minuscule fraction of what it must be like for God to craft a brilliantly singular plan for each person that breathes. It is a humbling and overwhelming gift to be able to imitate such ability...Our existence is but one small facet of God’s great story, and this tale we are currently living in is one that will not conclude until Christ returns again. We have been redeemed and shown how to live, but there is still more to come. Even so, we know how this story will end. Love has the final say. Jesus has already won the war, even though it seems like evil is triumphant each day. There is a final victory coming, and God knows when that will occur. When it does, the original Author will answer all questions, tie up all loose ends, and resolve all strife—just as simple humans like you and me strive to emulate at the conclusion of a powerful tale crafted by our imaginations."

It has become clear to me in the past few months especially, how wonderful worshiping through dance is. A few weeks ago three of my best friends were in a dance show here on campus that I had the privilege of going to.  I love watching dance anyways, but during this show, I watched as many of the dancers were filled with joy (genuine joy, not just pasting a smile on their faces (which it great too)) as they danced for their Lord. They too were taking something they love, and that God has given talent in, and giving it back to Him.

For me, I honestly think that my greatest talent is loving people. I love everyone I meet in some way, and even the people I do not get along with, I am usually able to find something I love about them. Is that because of who I am? Most definitely not. I'm actually kind of a horrible person at heart. That is God working in me and through me. And I love doing it. I love letting God show people His love through me (I personally don't think I was the smartest choice for this but hey. I'm just trying to follow directions). And honestly, because I know who I am on the inside (not. pretty.), I know one of the few motivations I have to try to find something to love in those people who bring me great anger is because I adore God so much (look to the def. at the top). Loving the people who are God's creation is to me, one of my greatest expressions of my love for Him. I could go on for hours about this, but I think I'll leave it there.

Singing and playing music, writing, dancing, loving people... These are all ways that we can worship God. And He loves all of it. You know those times where you're really excited about something, and you go to tell or show someone else, and they don't care? Or when you draw your parents a picture as a child and you're so excited to show them, but they kind of smile and put it to the side, and act that it isn't that important? That's never how it is with God. We come to Him with these things we love, and things we've prepared for Him, and He's always overjoyed to watch. He's always proud when we are trying to display our love for Him, no matter how it is. When I was first writing this, I was trying to think what I thought *my* greatest talent was, and when I came to "loving people" I almost instantly wrote it off... Loving people is nothing like singing, or writing, or dancing... But that's kind of the point. I express my adoration for Christ by doing something I love to do, that He has allowed me to do, and it is so different from the other things I've talked about. We all have something we're good at, and that we love to do and the amazing thing is, we can use all of those things to worship God. He loves all of it, and He accepts all of it.

So I guess... Never feel like you can't do what you love to do because you feel like it doesn't give glory to God (other than those obvious examples that just popped to your head if you're anything like me). Just remember that those things you love to do are from God, and remember to do it to please Him. God loves watching us love something just as much as we do.

It doesn't have to take a ton of work or displeasure to worship God. And I think that's pretty cool.