There's this feeling inside me. The only way I can think of to define it is that it is a heavy, straining... emptiness.
It may be emptiness but it makes me feel like I either need to scream or explode. I want to do nothing but curl up in the back of my car, perhaps the only place I can be alone, and cry.
There is a voice haunting me, maybe it is my own, or maybe like Jesus said there is an enemy of my soul out to get me and that is what I am fighting this battle with now.
I am a failure it tells me. They don't want me around, they are simply too polite to say anything else. I should know enough to just stop going, that would be better for everyone.
I start the night out cold and reserved, as I think they would want it, and I believe is best for me, but by the end I have opened up, am laughing and joking around like I used to. But as soon as I get in the car to drive away this emptiness overtakes me again. I have messed up, I have shown them my true self, something they clearly don't want to see. I am drowning in the belief they must truly hate me and can't wait for me to be gone.
I wish I could just run away.
So I try reaching out to some friends, but before I can even get their voicemail I stop, realizing I don't even know what I want to say to them. I probably just want to complain, as I always do, which will only drive them away too.
I wish someone could see that there's something wrong, but I know I hide it, and if I were to open up to anyone I would walk away terrified they would just leave me too anyways. I'm lost.
So I start praying. At first I ask God to help me shut down, like I used to. I ask God if I can get better at hiding things, at closing people out. But then I remember that's not what God wants for God's children. Not for the people I was meant to love, not for me.
Tears start falling as I cry out to God, with no real words, just pain, and fear, and brokenness.
God I don't want to be like this. I want to love people right. I want to let myself be loved right. I don't want to miss out on you, or your people, or any part of the plan you had for me or them. I don't want to believe the worst of my brothers and sisters, and I don't want to believe the worst of me.
When I get home someone does see that something's wrong--my mom. She listens to what I'm speaking through tears, hugs me and prays that Jesus will touch her Jenny. She tells me none of it is true, that I am just afraid, of being hurt and of hurting other people. I'm afraid I'm worthless, but I'm not. I'm afraid I will never make a difference in anyone's life, but that has already been proven false dozens of times.
When this sinks in, I start talking to someone else, someone who (might be too charismatic, but oh well, sorry) I'm pretty sure is behind the voice haunting me.
You don't control me. You don't get to use my brothers and my sisters against me. You don't get them to keep me from being the woman I was meant to be. You can't use my fears because they do not, and will never, rule me. You with NEVER win against my God. My God loves me, my God wants more for me. My God is with me and will fight the battle with me every moment I am stuck in it, and you will always lose. There will be more, but I know my God will beat you every time. So I am ready for this war, finally, and I know I am on the winning side.
We are ready, are you?
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