One Day Too Late

I almost died last week. I was driving the car that could have killed someone last week.

Okay, let me explain. Last week I was driving down to see some friends in a different state. The weather was awful, complete downpour, the highways were flooding. I wasn't really thinking much of it to be honest, I was more annoyed by the insane traffic that was adding an hour onto my 5 hour trip. Then, finally, the traffic cleared up a bit. For the first time in two hours there was a decent amount of space between cars, and I was quite happy about that.

It was like this for about five minutes when I watched a white car in the far left lane try to merge right (I assume that's what he was doing), and hydroplane. He spun across three lanes of traffic, and ended up sideways in mine, the far right lane, only about ten car lengths in front of me. I saw his face, my car was going towards him, I was slowing down but I couldn't slam the breaks--there was tons of water on the ground, I would have lost control too. Then, somehow, the car spun back across the three lanes of traffic, ended up stopped, on the shoulder, facing the wrong direction. Somehow, no one got hurt. Somehow no car came out with even a scratch. Somehow.

Needless to say I was a little shaken, and yes, tears did start flowing from my eyes. I have never been that scared in my life. I probably should have stopped, but instead I slowed down much slower than the speed limit and kept driving, because at that point I really just needed to be with someone. I needed a hug, so I kept going. The sun came out and the roads got dry literally 10 minutes after this happened, and I felt much better about driving, though I was certainly still scared.

So I started praying. I didn't even know what to say, besides thank you, thank you, thank you, for the many odd coincidences that had me driving my moms car that could handle that weather rather than mine that couldn't. Thank you for giving me another day. Thank you that no one got hurt, thank you for protecting everyone. Thank you for not letting my car kill that man.

Hey, I'm 21. I think I'm invincible. I am not. That almost crash proved I am not.

I think the first thing I thought about was my family and friends. I hadn't said goodbye or I love you to my brother or sister in ages. I only said I love you to my mom because as I was walking out I got  a weird feeling that I should say it because something might happen that weekend (yeah I know. It's creepy). I don't remember if I told my dad. And my friends? Definitely have not been good at keeping in contact with them this summer and letting them know how much they mean to me. And I almost did not have a chance to again. I thanked God for giving me another opportunity to love them, and apologized for not loving my brothers and sisters constantly the way they should be.

Then I started thinking about my relationship with God.

Last year I did a project on Julian of Norwich with a friend. In case you don't know (I'm guessing you don't) Julian of Norwich was a mystic, and is now a saint. I don't have time to go into her story as fully as I like to, but here's the important part: When Julian was a young woman she got incredibly sick and almost died. She writes in her book that when she realized she was going to die, she got sad. But she wasn't sad because she was going to be dying, she was sad that she wasn't about to get to know and serve God better in this life. I did not really understand this at that point in my life.

I got that last week. As I was talking to God, I finally began to apologize. "God, I am so not what you made me to be. God I am sorry I don't know you better, I'm sorry I have not shown you to others as well as I should. I am sorry I have wasted this life. I'm sorry I life every day as though there's another one coming tomorrow and I use that as an excuse not to try that hard." It hit me so hard that I hardly know God, and I have had the chance to know God and show God to others for 21 years, and far, far too often have I failed at that.

I don't read my bible enough. I don't pray enough. I don't pray for others out loud enough. I don't. And I think somewhere deep inside of me I think that someday I'm just going to magically get better at it and then it will be fine and everything before that won't really matter. So living the way I do is fine. I'm only 21. I got time.

But I might not. To be honest, even if I do, why am I allowing myself to miss out on living this God consciously walking beside God now? I know life is more joyful and better that way. What am I doing? 

I am not the sister, daughter, or friend I want to be. I do not love people like Jesus, and I tell myself I'll have more time to. I do not serve God the way God made me to. And I have missed out on so very much.

Look I'm not writing this to scare you, or say you need to go into every day terrified it's your last. Don't be driven by fear or anxiety. Be driven by the fact you have a God that loves you, and every day you wake up God wants to do that day with you. Every day is truly a gift (again, I know, a cliche, stick with me), and every day is another day to serve God. Don't go into every day scared it's your last, go into every day joyful you have another one.

So read your bible more. Talk to God more. Try harder in your friendships, tell your family and friends how much they mean to you. If you're holding a grudge, talk to whoever it's at about it. Don't take your anger out on someone who doesn't deserve and not apologize. Don't pretend tomorrow is a better day to be an ambassador of Christ than today.

I know this is somewhat morbid and I apologize for that, but I wanted to share with you what I learned. Thank you for reading my posts, and thank you to everyone who has encouraged me in writing. You don't know how much you mean to me and I hate that you don't. If you're a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, know that I am sorry and I love you. I really do.

I love you guys, you are all seriously amazing. Thank you.