Happiness

So here's the thing, that I really never want to admit to people, but I think I want to tell you guys. I have depression, and pretty bad anxiety too. There have been times when it's intense debilitating anxiety or depression, and I've gone through most of my life trying to fight it, and most of the time, I will admit I lost that battle.

I remember the first time I told my best friend in college that I had depression, he told me to just be happy. Which, as you might guess, kind of ticked me off. I told him it's not a switch, but I would do my best to hide it better. I'm sure you've seen those posts on facebook or something similar where people sarcastically respond to comments like his with something like "oh. wow, thank you so much! I'm cured, I didn't know that I should just be happy, that makes all the difference!"

We say it's not a choice. Because it's not normally. We don't like to be upset, we don't like to hurt this much. If we could just be happy we would. But it's not a choice.

But recently, I've started questioning that. And before you get mad or upset, remember, I am someone who goes through depression and deals with it on the daily. I am someone who has literally felt the weight of depression pushing down on me. There have been times in my life where I prayed every day that God would take me home, because I couldn't take it anymore. I know what depression, what hopelessness, can feel like.

But I think in a way, happiness is a choice. I think just being happy, as in, waking up every morning joyful, that I don't think is a choice. That doesn't just happen to people. But I think the problem can sometimes be that we don't understand that happiness isn't just something we stumble upon, pick up, and never have to work at again.

Happiness is a fight.

And the choice we make is whether or not we are going to fight that fight.

But it's not a choice you just make once, and then you're good. It's not a one battle war. Every morning when you wake up you have to make the choice to fight.

And that's really scary... Trust me I know.

Excuse my language, but it royally sucks to find out that you can never stop fighting for happiness. To find out that once you find it, you don't just get it. It stinks that there are going to be times where the depression and hurt take over again, right when you feel like you've finally said goodbye for the last time, and you know you have to start fighting will all your might again.

But it's worth it, I promise. Fighting hard every day for joy is so much better than misery you've made yourself comfortable with.

When I was a freshman in high school, someone said to me for the first time that I was not trying to let go of my depression, or at least fighting it, because I was afraid of what anything else was like. I knew I was miserable where I was, but I was afraid of anything else. I was miserable but at least I knew how to handle what I was going through. At least I knew I could survive it. I was comfortable.

It took me a while to really realize how right she was. I wasn't looking to change anything, because I was afraid if I tried to stand up, the world would knock me over, and I wouldn't know how to recover. I was afraid to hope that there was anything else, because I did not want to get hurt when what I was hoping for did not work out for me.

I stayed in the hell I knew, because I was afraid that the heaven I was looking for was just a new hell.

But living in misery is no way to live either. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, and do something that terrifies you.

It could take a long time, and a really hard battle, but you just might find joy, and all the fighting will be worth it.

Promise.