Faithful in the Journey

              Hey y’all! How are you doing? I know it’s been a bit, but then again, I’m sure you are used to that by now. As an introduction to what’s been on my mind lately, I think I need to give you a brief update on my life. I basically graduated college a few months ago (got one more class to finish up, then come September I am officially done with undergrad!), and am currently on my way across country with my father to move me out there, so I can go live with my aunt for a year. Both of these things are exciting, but especially important backstory for this post because 1.) I started writing this to submit as a speech for my Baccalaureate, the theme of which was Faithful in the Journey, so keep in mind this is going to start off like a speech would, and 2.) it explains why in the world I’m moving across the country when I love the east coast. ‘Ight… Here goes nothing…

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My favorite movie of all time is Men in Black. If you haven’t seen it, you definitely need to finish reading this post (😊), and then go watch it. If you have not seen the movies, they are about this agency (the Men in Black) who work with aliens who have come to planet Earth to help them live "normal" lives, and keep the humans from finding out about it. Towards the start of the first movie, one of the main characters (Tommy Lee Jones, or K) is trying to open up the other main character (Will Smith, or J) to considering the possibility that aliens might exist. The line he says to accomplish this is “ Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow”.

To be honest, this line has always haunted me. I didn't like the idea that maybe the things I knew were not actually true, and it was likely even a lot of what I "knew" was going to be proven wrong soon. Realizing I didn't really "know" all that much started in college, when I  found myself facing seemingly endless hits to what I thought I knew. At the end of my freshman year this applied to what I thought I knew academically/logically, theologically, ect., which shook me. But by the end of my freshman year the attacks (or at least what felt like attacks) had moved onto what I thought I knew about what I was going to be doing with my life, and in what order. This was even harder than the logical hits (which I'll explain how I dealt with in a later post), because you see, little ol' me always had a plan, and that plan was what kept me going. I might not  have known exactly what was going to happen along the way, but I knew each mile-stone that I would be hitting, and when I would be hitting it. For example, when I started college I “knew” that I was going to be graduating in eight semesters, with a degree in Youth Ministry, after which I would go straight to Gordon Conwell to get my graduate degree, most likely in Youth Ministry as well, but maybe in religion. Oh yeah, and I wouldn’t be engaged, but I would be on my way there.

And yet, here I am four years later, almost done with my degree in Theology, after being forced to take a semester off for health reasons, moving to California (of all places… I hate the heat), for a gap year to figure out what exactly I want and where I want to go to school, and romantically very single (not that I’m exactly bothered by that, but I’m certainly in a different place then I thought I would be). None of this was in the plan, and if you had asked me even a year and a half ago if this is where I would be now, I would have emitted a single laugh and said very condescendingly “yeah, okay” (I’m working on it). I had a plan. I was going to stick with that plan. And it is important to note that when I made this plan, I was convinced it was God's too (I mean why wouldn't God want me to go to seminary?). 
Now, there have been two times in my life where I looked forward and saw only blackness. I don't mean that in a dark way, I simply just mean I couldn't see anything (I'm speaking literally here). I had no idea what was to come next. One of them was when I was forced to take a semester off from school, which was so never in the plan. The other was when I found out I wouldn't be going to grad school this coming year. I was lost and disappointed, and had no plan to follow, and no idea where to turn. I think my first reaction was actually to pray that the world would just stop for a few days, just so I could figure everything out. When that didn’t work I asked God over and over again to give me an extremely clear sign of which path I should be taking". 
When neither of those things worked, God helped me to look for the next tiny step, instead of the whole path, and take it. And in this case, the next step was moving to California for a year to be with my family. I know what you're thinking, that's really not a tiny step, but in the grand scheme of things, it really is. So many people have asked me what I'm going to be doing when I'm out here, and much to my pain, the answer has always been "I'm not totally sure yet", not because I have not been trying to figure it out. Moving to Cali made no sense to me at all; everything I know is on the east coast, my immediate family is not exactly thrilled about it, and I had no plan beyond that. But for some reason, even though I'm on a different coast, with no job, and people who I love and share blood with, but do not really know yet, and not a ton of money, I'm confident this is where I'm supposed to be. When I was falling apart, because my plan did, totally lost and confused, the door opened up for me to come here, I felt a call, and even though for the first time in my life I had no plan, I had peace in coming here. And I know that peace could not have come from me.
Through it all, there is only one thing I will always know, today, tomorrow, and every day to come: God is here, and God cares. I want to follow God where ever God leads me, because in the end, God is the only thing I know with complete and utter confidence to be true. So I will follow God where God calls me, even when God asks me to do something I think is totally crazy. And I am out here, with no plan, not freaking out, solely because I know wherever I find myself, God is going to be there, and God will always have my back. When everything I think I know falls apart around me, God is the one thing I can lean on.

It is not easy, and I still struggle with it, but something a friend told me recently has really helped. He told me  he started believing in God’s plan when he started living his life, instead of thinking about it all the time, and that in order to live without a plan is by taking each step at a time, knowing you're already living one out. I know God will always be faithful in my journey, and the best life I know to live is one that is faithful to Him along the way. I don't know what I'm going to know tomorrow, and I don't want to live by what I think is true. I want to live following the one thing I know to be true. And even though it's confusing, it's not scary anymore, because I know there is not a single step I will take that God is not holding my hand.

Fear is a Liar.

I have talked about fear on here a little before, mostly specific fears and what God has told me to help me through them, but today God's teaching me a little something about fear in general. I doubt this post is going to be very long, because I don't have a ton to say, but I wanted to share it anyways. I hope that's okay :). 

As with everyone, my whole life there have been so many things I have been afraid of, and often I just turn to my defense mechanisms to deal with them. For me, I have a few go-to defense mechanisms I like to use. When it comes to being afraid of people hurting me in relationships, I just tell myself that they never cared and shut down my heart (dang, that feels so awful admitting). When it comes to losing people, I just remind myself that there was a time I never had them. Complain about people and things when they annoy me. When it comes to just about anything else anger and sarcasm work really well. And yes, each and every one of these things hurt the people I care about around me, and no, they hardly ever helped, but I never stopped them. I could say I didn't know what else to do, but the truth is I just never wanted to try something different.

But the thing is, when I let defense mechanisms run my life, which I did this year, because I found it was just easier to be angry all the time, I become the worse version of myself. And that's who I have been for the last year at least. There's no other way to say it, I've been a cold-hearted jerk, who hurt the people she cares about all the time, especially when she is struggling with something. I was the person I promised myself I would never become, and I can only look back on it with shame and pray for forgiveness for it. 

In these past two weeks I have finally reached the point where I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to hurt the people around me anymore. I don't to be sarcastic, I don't want to push people away, I don't want to shut down. I have hurt too many people I really care about, and my sister and I have made my house too much of a war-zone. 

So I started talking to God more this last week, started reading my Bible more again, and for the first time in a long time, I felt fairly peaceful and happy. My mom even mentioned it when I called her to ask her about something. But really quickly that was put to the test, and the past few days I've been struggling through something that has brought up some past pain and a whole lot of fear. Almost instantly I felt myself shutting down, running to hide behind my defense mechanisms. And then I saw myself reverting back to the person I had just started walking away from. I got really angry at something very, very stupid, and wasn't very far away from taking it out on my family. Thankfully God reminded me to take a step back in both of those instances, and helped me to choose to do something different. I didn't shut down, I spoke up, and instead of getting angry, I prayed God would help me through the situation as gracefully and loving(ly(?)) as possible. Now I want this to be very clear: it was not me who did that. God did. But dang, what a difference it has made. 

My sister is actually shocked at how I am handling the situation, and I think for the first time in maybe 8 years we've gone 3 days so far without fighting. I see the person I once knew I could be coming out, I think mostly because though I am still dealing with that thing, I am not letting myself turn to these unhealthy habits, and instead turning to God with the pain and fear. It's literally changing my whole personality.  I can't say I'm not upset right now, or hurt, or scared, but I feel so calm. So much calmer than I ever do with my defense mechanisms, even though when I turn to them I tend to bury those painful feelings, so I don't feel them as much. I don't know if I would say I feel happier than I do when I turn to defense mechanisms, but I know that will come, and I certainly am more hopeful and joyful. It honestly feels so much easier than turning to my defense mechanisms as well, because it's actually working. God's not pushing me on taking the things that are hurting, I don't have to work at it. 

Turning to God with our pain does not mean it's just going to go away, but it does mean you will not be alone in dealing with it. I don't want to run from my fear, I want to run towards God with my fear. Even though right now my mom (who probably knows me better than anyone else in this world) knows I'm struggling with something, she also can see I'm more at peace than I have been in a long time. And I am, because even though I don't know what's going to happen with this situation, or with my life in the next month, or year, or ten, I know God will always have my back, and will always be happy to carry my burdens. I don't have to be alone in these feelings. They're not fun, but they make me a better person, I've noticed it already even though it's only been a few days. 

All this to say, I know how terrifying it can be to turn to something other than what you have always known when you are scared or in pain, but I promise there is another way, and a much better way. And you're not alone. I am praying for you all, and I love you all. If you know me, you can reach out to me to talk about it if you want, if you don't, turn to a friend you really trust. You are so very loved, and you are so very strong. If you let God hold your fear and pain, so much of your life will be affected. Because when we give God the bad things, it is so much easier to see Him, and share with Him the good things. 

Talking with God

Hey y'all. I know it's been a while, and there have been a few things I need to update you on in my life, but I'm going to save that for the next post, because right now I want to finish one I started months ago, that has stayed on my heart for this whole time.

Now, I need to say something before I begin. The whole time I have had this blog I have tried to be as transparent as possible with y'all, which sometimes means I have to tell you things that have gone through my mind that I am not overly proud of. This is going to be one of those times. Get ready for some very sterio-typical thoughts and feelings for a twenty-something-who-just-graduated-a-small-christian-school-woman. I'm just being honest. Okay, so now we are prepared to begin.

A while ago after church, I went to a tree near my dorm on campus and talked to God for a few hours. During that conversation, I found myself re-thinking many things, and I wanted to share some of those with you.

For as long as I can remember, I have looked forward to having a family, with plenty of kids. I have looked forward to meeting the man I would marry, and as I grew older, I found myself extremely excited for the first time I would worship with him. (Yes. I know. I don't like admitting this. Stick with me though). As much as I hate to say this, I had fully expected to meet him before I finished college. This is what I was talking to God about that day, because at the time, I only had a few months before college was over, and I found myself not only extremely single, but perfectly happy, and even determined to keep it that way. And I kept saying that I would be fine if I was single for the rest of my life, no questions asked.

Now, this would have been completely fine...if my heart and mind actually seemed to be on board with it. But I would see families at church, or couples holding hands and worshiping togethers, or I would watch dads playing with their babies and something in me would just go I want that. It finally reached the point I needed to talk to God, because I felt like I was at war with myself. I couldn't be fine with never meeting someone and yet always find myself with a deep longing for a family and a husband whenever I saw one.

So I talked to God. For about two hours. What I realized that what I thought was me being okay with simply being single if that was what God called me to, was actually me just terrified of being in a relationship. God had nothing to do with it.

Fear in relationships... fear of romantic (and let's face it, most close) relationships to the point where I would rather avoid them forever then ever try to find one again, and I had convinced myself that fear was peace in following God's call... Wow. That's a problem. A problem that is going to take many more posts to show you how God's been working with me on, but for now I'll tell you how God helped me throught the first step: conquoring my fear.

I had started crying by this point in my conversaion, because I knew that if this fear was controlling me to the point I had convinced myself it was actually God, I needed to do something about it, ut I didn't know what. See, I've been afraid of giving my heart away, just to be broken again, for a few years now. And to not be afraid of a relationship meant not being afraid to give my heart away, and I just did not know how to do that.

So through tears, I told God there was only one being I would ever be willing to give my heart to, only one being I would not be afraid to, and that was God. God was, and is the only anything I trust to never break my heart. I wanted God to be the safekeeper of my heart.

I realized God is the only one I would ever trust to give my heart away, only God would never give my heart away. God will always hold it in God's hand. When others get a part of my heart, they should get it because God is holding them too, and that is what I want with my husband. If I ever get married, it can only be because we have both given our hearts to God to hold, and God, who will always be holding us, has brought us together.

I believe I grew up thinking some version of this, but it had never really hit me so hard as it did that day under the tree, and it's been easier. There are still many things I am afraid of, there are still many things I'm angry about, and I still hurt. I don't know if will ever have a family, or a husband, and if I'm honest right now I hope that I will. But what my prayer will be is that one day all I will hope for in my life is that I will always  faithfully follow God, and that my heart will become like God's.

So I'm not going to make big statements like "Yo, I would be happy if I never had to deal with another romantic relationship in my life, yeah bring on the singleness!" anymore, because that's not true. Right now, deep down, while I am fine and happy single, I do want a relalationship one day. I do want to get married. So. So much. I was just too scared to admit that. And while I know I will be fine, even fantastic if I do end up single, I want to be those things because I am so happy and fulfilled with God, not because I'm afraid of the alternative.

I know that was a bit rambly, so forgive me, but I hope that meant something to you, and maybe helped someone. As always, I would love to talk, you'll be hearing from me soon (I promise). Thanks guys!

Poem for Advent

So, as per usual, I know it has been waayyy too long, but I wanted to share with you something I wrote for the Advent chapel at my school. The theme of the chapel was darkness to light, and finding hope in waiting even in this time of despair. I gotta say reading it on paper is nothing compared to seeing it performed, but I still wanted to share! Keep in mind, this is written to be a performance, so I know the poem itself could be better... Don't judge me too hard guys :-). Here it is.

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As I look at this aching world,

I feel assaulted by the despair

Because it seems that no matter where I turn

All I find is suffering.

Relationships that harm instead of heal:

Families torn apart pointlessly.

Sisters and brothers with physical and mental illness,

Friends and family who refuse to acknowledge they exist.

Outside it only gets worse.

Mass shootings in concerts and churches;

Bombings in mosques and on street sides

Hatred borne of fear, borne of ignorance.

Even the earth seems to be rebelling.

Hurricanes wiping out power for months;

Taking away homes and thousands of lives.

Earthquakes crushing cities, bringing hope down with them.

Where does it end, Lord?

When will this pain stop?

Because I’m starting to think

It will only consume us.

As I stand in all this pain,

All this anger,

One question keeps screaming in my head

“Where are you, God?”

But before even a tear hits the ground,

I hear a voice,

More heartbroken than mine,

Calling out in the darkness saying:

“I know this anger:

I know this pain.

And I am right here

With you.”

“I came down to you,

I lived life with you,

I suffered for you,

And I’m not done doing that.”

“I have walked with you -

All of you -

Through every moment of joy

And every moment of pain.

“Don’t forget: I rose again!

I came,

I stayed,

And I’m coming again.”

“So don’t lose hope:

Don’t despair.

I am God, who turns darkness into light,

And this darkness is no different.”

Looking around,

I still see pain,

But I start to see something more:

The light that proves God is still here.

Reconciliation where revenge once held fast;

Families joining with those who were lost.

People shouldering pain for those who cannot bear it themselves

Others speaking out for those who don’t have a voice.

Heroes saving friends

and strangers alike.

People previously unknown to each other

Rallying to help those in need

There is still anger,

But it will not win.

There is still pain,

But it will not prevail.

Because in the midst of this shattered world,

We have a God who creates light out of nothing,

A God who is not blind to pain,

But feels it - and fights it - with us.

And God has promised this is not all that God will do!

God is coming again,

And when God does, God will not just transform the darkness,

But eradicate it.

So God, give us the strength to wait -

And not just wait in despair,

Just barely holding on -

But wait with hopeful fire!

I don’t know how you’ll do it Lord,

But I do know I keep hearing one repeated promise,

Quiet but strong:

“I am coming”

To Be Broken

"This. This is the Jenny I want! Not the one who was in the room."

This was a line a friend of mine gave me a few years back, at a time in my life when I was really struggling with not letting my depression control me. The Jenny who had just been in the room had been struggling with holding off some sort of attack (there were many, many tears). The Jenny this person wanted was the one who had sucked it up and put on her "happy-go-lucky" face (who can be pretty funny I must admit).

At the time I didn't think anything of the comment, because I understood where this person was coming from. It took me a few weeks and some wisdom from a friend to understand why this comment wasn't okay.

When I told one of my friends this story shortly after it happened, she was furious. I don't remember most of the conversation, but what I do remember her saying exactly was "Both those people are you Jenny! People don't get to just choose which one they want! It's all you."

Huh.

To be honest I didn't fully understand what she meant until a while later. Deep down I knew what she was saying, but I just kept telling myself she didn't understand how awful the depressed side of me was, and how long I had been there. I told myself this person had every right not to want, not to love, the broken part of me.

I think a lot of us who struggle with mental illness have felt this way. We feel like people should not have to deal with the less fun sides of us. Sometimes we just feel like we are just far too broken for anyone to love, and we cannot blame anyone for wanting to leave because of it.

Well, now that I am a few years out, I can tell you this belief is complete, and utter crap.

We have a God who loves us unconditionally, and we are in a GIANT family full of people who are called to love us the same way.

I mean can you imagine if that was how Jesus loved? If He came down and said He would take all of us, but not those of us who were broken? I don't think any of us would qualify.

Here's the thing about brokenness. We are all broken. And not one of us is more broken than the next person, we're just broken in different ways. And our brokenness is part of who we are, it doesn't define us--no God does that--but you can't just take the pieces of us you like and think you still have us. If you take out someone's brokenness, you take away that person. If you can't love someone even when their brokenness is obvious, then I'm sorry, but you are not really loving them.

Guys, every piece of you is so, so worthy. Even when you're hard to deal with. For people like me, even when your mind is keeping you in a cage for a long time, you still deserve love. 

Which doesn't mean people need to just accept when you're not fighting it. Let's jump really quickly back to my story at the start of this post. At the time it happened, I understood where this person was coming from, and I still do, and I don't hold anything against them to this day, it's just a perfect illustration for what I wanted to say. I think this person was warranted in some frustration with me, because I wasn't doing much about the season I was in. I wasn't fighting the depression at all, and that attack I had been dealing with? I'm pretty sure it was my fault. Someone needed to say something, just not that. 

To love someone is to push them when they need it. When I am in a place like the one I was in then, I need some tough love, I need someone to tell me to work on moving out of that place. But pushing does not mean telling me to "deal with it", and then just walking away until I can fix it. I think that's what my friend wanted me to do. Put when you push out of love (yes I know that sounds incredibly cheesy I am very sorry), you tell them they need to start moving out of that place, and then you stay and help them do it. We were meant to fight each other's battles together. 

There are people who will do that guys. I have been blessed with many friends who have stuck with me through it all. And there have been many, many low points in my life. I have a friend who has helped to realize all of this, because when I thank her for accepting me (on a very regular basis), she always scoffs and says "I don't accept you Jenny. I love you."

I know this is not my best post, and I know it probably sounds a little jumbled, so I apologize for that, but I felt like I needed to write this now. I want to tell those of you like me who think your brokenness should not be something that other people should have to deal with that you're wrong. It's not dealing with anything. It's a part of loving you. 

And you're worth that. 

Not a Punching Bag

Basically my entire life people have used me as an emotional punching bag. I think many of us have gone through this, so in no way am I trying to seem "special", or get any pity. I'm simply stating a fact.

Growing up so many of my friends would be having a bad day and I would know they were because they treated me like crap that day. I remember one specific day in high school I had two friends who were awful to me, and they told me they were just having a bad day so I needed to suck it up. My guinea pig had died that morning. But hey, they were having bad days.

In food service they tell you to always treat the customer well, even if they treat you horribly because they might be having a bad day, and you don't know their backgrounds. But then again, I guess those customers who treat you like crap don't know how bad your day is going either, now do they? (Side note, I believe everyone needs to work in retail and food service for like two months of their lives. The way you treat other people when you've experienced it changes drastically.)

So many times in my life people told me I just needed to take it, and be understanding when people were mean to me because they were going through a rough time. And you know what? I wanted to help them so I did.

Then I got to college. Freshman year one of my friends was going through a rough time, and I told him if he needed me to, I would gladly be his punching bag. He didn't take me up on that offer.

It was him who, a few weeks later, told me that should never be okay. I should never accept that, because I'm not a punching bag, and I was not put on this earth so others could take their emotions out on me.

I've realized a few things since then. It is never okay to take your anger, or pain, or anxiety out on someone else. Yes. Yes we all do it, and it does not make us monsters. I did it yesterday actually. But just because we all do it does not make it okay, and frankly I'm sick of people using that as an excuse to do it.

When you're the one who is allowing your emotions to change how you treat others, here's a different option. I attempt to tell people what is going on in my mind and let them know that it might affect my behavior. Is that an excuse? No, there is none, but it's me trying my hardest to give an explanation. Do I always succeed, in doing this, and does explaining why it's happening make it okay? Of course not. But it's me trying. There will be times I either will not have a conversation in the moment or actually walk away from the conversation if I don't trust my emotions not to take over. Like I said, it doesn't fix the problem, but it's a step.

When you're on the other side, stop it. Here's something else important to know: letting other take it our on you does not actually help them. If you're anything like me you might feel guilty for being harsh with your friend while they are going through something, and you just want to help them get better. Well letting them drag you down is not going to help them get better, and it is not loving them the right way. If they're focusing on the anger and hurt so much it's overflowing to you, it's just going to harm them to let them continue. Allowing yourself to be a punching bag is not the answer in how to help your friend. Furthermore, you have the right to love yourself enough to tell them what they are doing is not okay, and not put up with it anymore.

Here's what I hope I will always have the courage to say to the people I love who are taking their anger out on me in the future: "Look, I know you're hurting, and I will gladly and forever be a shoulder for you to lean on. But I refuse to be your punching bag. I love you, and I respect myself way too much for that."

Guys I'm so, so sorry for every time I've taken my hurt, fear, or anger out on you. I am so sorry. I never meant to use my flesh as an excuse to treat you poorly. But I know I have done so, too many times in the past. My promise to you tonight is that I will try harder, I will pray about and work with God on this.

And I promise I will always be there for you. But I won't be your punching bag.

A Night in the Life of My Depression

There's this feeling inside me. The only way I can think of to define it is that it is a heavy, straining... emptiness.

It may be emptiness but it makes me feel like I either need to scream or explode. I want to do nothing but curl up in the back of my car, perhaps the only place I can be alone, and cry.

There is a voice haunting me, maybe it is my own, or maybe like Jesus said there is an enemy of my soul out to get me and that is what I am fighting this battle with now.

I am a failure it tells me. They don't want me around, they are simply too polite to say anything else. I should know enough to just stop going, that would be better for everyone.

I start the night out cold and reserved, as I think they would want it, and I believe is best for me, but by the end I have opened up, am laughing and joking around like I used to. But as soon as I get in the car to drive away this emptiness overtakes me again. I have messed up, I have shown them my true self, something they clearly don't want to see. I am drowning in the belief they must truly hate me and can't wait for me to be gone.

I wish I could just run away.

So I try reaching out to some friends, but before I can even get their voicemail I stop, realizing I don't even know what I want to say to them. I probably just want to complain, as I always do, which will only drive them away too.

I wish someone could see that there's something wrong, but I know I hide it, and if I were to open up to anyone I would walk away terrified they would just leave me too anyways. I'm lost.

So I start praying. At first I ask God to help me shut down, like I used to. I ask God if I can get better at hiding things, at closing people out. But then I remember that's not what God wants for God's children. Not for the people I was meant to love, not for me.

Tears start falling as I cry out to God, with no real words, just pain, and fear, and brokenness.

God I don't want to be like this.  I want to love people right. I want to let myself be loved right. I don't want to miss out on you, or your people, or any part of the plan you had for me or them. I don't want to believe the worst of my brothers and sisters, and I don't want to believe the worst of me.

When I get home someone does see that something's wrong--my mom. She listens to what I'm speaking through tears, hugs me and prays that Jesus will touch her Jenny. She tells me none of it is true, that I am just afraid, of being hurt and of hurting other people. I'm afraid I'm worthless, but I'm not. I'm afraid I will never make a difference in anyone's life, but that has already been proven false dozens of times.

When this sinks in, I start talking to someone else, someone who (might be too charismatic, but oh well, sorry) I'm pretty sure is behind the voice haunting me.

You don't control me. You don't get to use my brothers and my sisters against me. You don't get them to keep me from being the woman I was meant to be. You can't use my fears because they do not, and will never, rule me. You with NEVER win against my God. My God loves me, my God wants more for me. My God is with me and will fight the battle with me every moment I am stuck in it, and you will always lose. There will be more, but I know my God will beat you every time. So I am ready for this war, finally, and I know I am on the winning side.

We are ready, are you?

One Day Too Late

I almost died last week. I was driving the car that could have killed someone last week.

Okay, let me explain. Last week I was driving down to see some friends in a different state. The weather was awful, complete downpour, the highways were flooding. I wasn't really thinking much of it to be honest, I was more annoyed by the insane traffic that was adding an hour onto my 5 hour trip. Then, finally, the traffic cleared up a bit. For the first time in two hours there was a decent amount of space between cars, and I was quite happy about that.

It was like this for about five minutes when I watched a white car in the far left lane try to merge right (I assume that's what he was doing), and hydroplane. He spun across three lanes of traffic, and ended up sideways in mine, the far right lane, only about ten car lengths in front of me. I saw his face, my car was going towards him, I was slowing down but I couldn't slam the breaks--there was tons of water on the ground, I would have lost control too. Then, somehow, the car spun back across the three lanes of traffic, ended up stopped, on the shoulder, facing the wrong direction. Somehow, no one got hurt. Somehow no car came out with even a scratch. Somehow.

Needless to say I was a little shaken, and yes, tears did start flowing from my eyes. I have never been that scared in my life. I probably should have stopped, but instead I slowed down much slower than the speed limit and kept driving, because at that point I really just needed to be with someone. I needed a hug, so I kept going. The sun came out and the roads got dry literally 10 minutes after this happened, and I felt much better about driving, though I was certainly still scared.

So I started praying. I didn't even know what to say, besides thank you, thank you, thank you, for the many odd coincidences that had me driving my moms car that could handle that weather rather than mine that couldn't. Thank you for giving me another day. Thank you that no one got hurt, thank you for protecting everyone. Thank you for not letting my car kill that man.

Hey, I'm 21. I think I'm invincible. I am not. That almost crash proved I am not.

I think the first thing I thought about was my family and friends. I hadn't said goodbye or I love you to my brother or sister in ages. I only said I love you to my mom because as I was walking out I got  a weird feeling that I should say it because something might happen that weekend (yeah I know. It's creepy). I don't remember if I told my dad. And my friends? Definitely have not been good at keeping in contact with them this summer and letting them know how much they mean to me. And I almost did not have a chance to again. I thanked God for giving me another opportunity to love them, and apologized for not loving my brothers and sisters constantly the way they should be.

Then I started thinking about my relationship with God.

Last year I did a project on Julian of Norwich with a friend. In case you don't know (I'm guessing you don't) Julian of Norwich was a mystic, and is now a saint. I don't have time to go into her story as fully as I like to, but here's the important part: When Julian was a young woman she got incredibly sick and almost died. She writes in her book that when she realized she was going to die, she got sad. But she wasn't sad because she was going to be dying, she was sad that she wasn't about to get to know and serve God better in this life. I did not really understand this at that point in my life.

I got that last week. As I was talking to God, I finally began to apologize. "God, I am so not what you made me to be. God I am sorry I don't know you better, I'm sorry I have not shown you to others as well as I should. I am sorry I have wasted this life. I'm sorry I life every day as though there's another one coming tomorrow and I use that as an excuse not to try that hard." It hit me so hard that I hardly know God, and I have had the chance to know God and show God to others for 21 years, and far, far too often have I failed at that.

I don't read my bible enough. I don't pray enough. I don't pray for others out loud enough. I don't. And I think somewhere deep inside of me I think that someday I'm just going to magically get better at it and then it will be fine and everything before that won't really matter. So living the way I do is fine. I'm only 21. I got time.

But I might not. To be honest, even if I do, why am I allowing myself to miss out on living this God consciously walking beside God now? I know life is more joyful and better that way. What am I doing? 

I am not the sister, daughter, or friend I want to be. I do not love people like Jesus, and I tell myself I'll have more time to. I do not serve God the way God made me to. And I have missed out on so very much.

Look I'm not writing this to scare you, or say you need to go into every day terrified it's your last. Don't be driven by fear or anxiety. Be driven by the fact you have a God that loves you, and every day you wake up God wants to do that day with you. Every day is truly a gift (again, I know, a cliche, stick with me), and every day is another day to serve God. Don't go into every day scared it's your last, go into every day joyful you have another one.

So read your bible more. Talk to God more. Try harder in your friendships, tell your family and friends how much they mean to you. If you're holding a grudge, talk to whoever it's at about it. Don't take your anger out on someone who doesn't deserve and not apologize. Don't pretend tomorrow is a better day to be an ambassador of Christ than today.

I know this is somewhat morbid and I apologize for that, but I wanted to share with you what I learned. Thank you for reading my posts, and thank you to everyone who has encouraged me in writing. You don't know how much you mean to me and I hate that you don't. If you're a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, know that I am sorry and I love you. I really do.

I love you guys, you are all seriously amazing. Thank you.

Not so Plain Old New England

Last summer I cried every single day. I felt with each passing day came another uphill battle, and I wondered if I was ever going to get better. I felt I must be weak and broken if I was having such a struggle to just be happy.

Because of last summer I became a new person. I went into the summer angry, negative, and completely ungrateful for way too much. I came out someone who was much more positive, caring, hopeful, and trusting.

Last summer I allowed myself to listen and be changed by God, truly, for the first time.

For those of you who don't know, I spent last summer in Alaska. Some of what I just said might seem to make sense to you now, because as one of my favorite professors once said "things happen in Alaska!". Alaska is a crazy beautiful place, and it feels almost magical when you get there (I describe it a bit more in my post "Losing God" if you're interested...this post is going to be somewhat similar to that one, just a warning). Things... things just happen in Alaska, people are changed in Alaska, that just goes with the nature of being Alaska. If you ever want to know the details, ask me about it sometime, I'd love to talk about it with you. But right now I want to focus on something a little different.

So when I left, everything felt a bit like a let down. I was going back to the plain old lower 48, and I knew going into it I was going to lose some of what I had gained. After all, I was leaving Alaska, the place where things happen.

Slowly over the course of the year I lost the woman I had become in Alaska. I went back to being negative, to neglecting my time in the Bible and with God, I started closing up again, I began to see only the worst in myself. Hopefully I was not back to the way I had been at the end of the year leading into my Alaskan summer, but I certainly had gone back a few steps.

And you know what? I think I almost believed it was because of where I was. I was back in the boring place I went to school, back to the town I grew up in--of course that was not it at all, but I'll get back to that in a bit.

This summer is the first summer since I started college that I will be spending at home. Back in plain old New England, surrounded by people who have known me since I was born and, yes, a few new people. And I'm pretty sure because I came back here I had this idea in my mind that this summer was in no way going to change me. I've spent 21 years of my life here, what amazing thing could possibly happen that would transform me the way the summer before had? I don't believe I really thought God would be moving much in this place, or that God ever does.

Then God reminded me of something.

The other day I was watching the sky, procrastinating as I often do, and I realized something. New England is beautiful. The sunrises and sunsets, the trees in the fall, the animals in the summer, the stars at night, they are all so, so beautiful. Looking around here makes it so clear God is an artist, something I first thought of while I was in Alaska.

Every day in Alaska I looked around and marveled at how the hands that made the mountains and sea around me had also made me. The other day I realized the same hands that make the beautiful sights around me (and yes, they are just as beautiful, just a little bit different), made the ones in Alaska, and me.

The other day I realized I don't think God is as present in some places as God is in others. I didn't expect to find God here, at home, because I did not see anything special about it. I expected this summer to just be "normal" as the rest of my life is, so I did not even open up my heart to be moved by God.

I think we often think God needs to work in these huge and crazy ways to actually make a difference. When we are surrounded by things we see as "normal", we don't expect to find God, so we do not look for God. We do not open ourselves up to God. Going into this summer I did not expect anything big or exciting to happen, so I prepared myself to go a summer unchanged. And in doing that I think my heart started to become unchangeable.

What a waste! What a complete misunderstand of who God is. And I can't believe I even let a few weeks pass like that (though, if we're honest, I've probably been in this mindset since I left AK). It wasn't the physical location I was in God was unable to move in, it was in my cemented and stubborn heart.

And dang. I am so so sorry about that. I am sorry to the people who have watched me become negative. I am sorry to the people who have tried to help me see the positive side of things, and just been shut down. And I am so sorry to my God who knew I always had the potential to do something big, even when I truly believed God couldn't. Because of something as stupid a physical location.

Yes, I am not spending this summer in Alaska, I am not doing anything overly "exciting" like working at a whale watching company where I get to go on free tours whenever I can, with people who are amazing in ways I can't even start to fit in this sentence. But hey. I am spending the summer in New England, doing some pretty mundane but wicked awesome things, with some pretty fantastic people, some old, some new. And God is going to move in my heart. Because I am going to be looking for God every day. I am going to be fighting for God, I am going to be fighting to be the woman God made me to be.

Even in plain old New England. And I hope that if you find yourself somewhere you think is boring, you do too.

Hey as always, I'll be praying for you guys, remember you are loved, I'll talk to you soon :-).

As yourself

I've been thinking about a conversation I had with my father a few years ago a lot lately. It was two years ago, and I was working my way out of the lowest low I had ever (and have ever so far) felt. We must have been talking about my opinion of myself because the only thing I remember vividly from the conversation is the very end of it.

My father looked at me and seemingly randomly asked me what the second greatest commandment was. A little startled I responded quickly that it is to love your neighbor as yourself. He gave me a second to think, and then repeated what I had said.

"Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your neighbor as yourself Jenny."

Very confused, and a little hurt, as I have always tried to put my neighbor before me, I just stared at him blankly for a few seconds.

"Love your neighbor as yourself Jenny."

After the third time I finally asked him what his point could possibly be, fairly exasperated and feeling a bit frustrated at that teachers (my father is a teacher) always seem to want you to come up with your own answer, even when they ask senseless questions. Or in this case, don't even ask questions at all.

"Jenny, how are you supposed to love your neighbor as yourself if you hate yourself? Because I'm pretty sure Jesus did not mean you were supposed to hate them."


Wow.


That hit me pretty hard. I remember the conversation ended there for no reason other than I had absolutely no response to that. Yes, we are told in many different places in the Bible that we are to put others before ourselves, but I can't think of anywhere that says we are supposed to love others more than we are supposed to love ourselves. And I had completely missed that.

This idea got pounded into my skull even more a few months later when I was watching a project someone had done on the life of a saint (sadly I cannot remember which one). That group said the saint had seen humans as God's masterpiece. That changed my perspective on looking at other people certainly, but I also was reminded that I was a human too. God had made me too. I was a masterpiece too.

Recently I watched a new anime (yeah I know. Judge all you want, I ain't ashamed) where one of the characters went out of his way to do everything he could for other people, even when it was most likely going to kill him. He wanted to save everyone but himself, and the other characters told him he was a hypocrite because of it. To be honest I was pretty surprised by that because you just don't see people putting down that mindset...well ever, and to be honest I don't know if I completely agree with them to the extent they were taking it, but it did certainly make me think a bit.

Does wanting to save others with zero regard for your own life really make you a hypocrite? The conclusion I have come to is it depends on your motivation behind it. I believe the issue comes in when you want to save other people at any cost because you see them a human who deserves to be saved because they are God's masterpiece (or if you're not religious, simply they are a human), and you think you are less than they are. You think everyone deserves to be saved except for yourself, because somehow, you are less than everyone else.

Hey, let me tell you something. We have a God who loves us immensely, and sees us all as nothing other than His beloved children. I know many  people hate the song Good Good Father at this point because it has been so over played, but there is one line I think we all need to hear over and over again. It's "...and I am loved by you, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am". Well I mean it's who we are, but I'll let this one slide for now. I am loved by God, and that is who I am. Think about that for a second.

We are not our past, present, future, or any of the mistakes that lie within them. We are not our accomplishments. We are not the scars that will forever be a part of us. We are loved by God, we are part of a family that is forever loved and claimed by God, and that is all that matters.

What I'm trying to say is this: you are not less than anyone, and God does not see you as less than anyone. You deserve just as much love and care as your friends and those you want to protect do. You, just like them, are a masterpiece of God, and it is perfectly okay, and actually quite good, to acknowledge and boast in that. It is not selfish, it is taking care of a part of God's creation--you.

I also believe another reason so many good people think so poorly of themselves is because they think in order to actually be a good person, or a good christian, they are not allowed to love themselves. I don't really know why this is a thing, but I have certainly felt that way before, and I'm willing to bet I'm not the only one. We believe we should not give ourselves time to take care of us, or we should not allow ourselves to vent or cry or anything, because it's time we should be using to help someone else. We feel like if we love ourselves we are doing something wrong, because we should be constantly working on ourselves and trying to be more like God, and to do that we need to know we are are not perfect.


But we don't think other people need to be perfect to be good do we? Often we wish our friends could just see the good in themselves and love themselves the way we love them, right? We know sometimes our friends can't help themselves and we don't want them to feel like they have to go through it alone. We are there for them, and they were not made to go through this life miserable. There are so many things we think our friends deserve more than we do, don't we? I wonder what God thinks about that. I bet He is happy we are looking out for His children, but I wonder if it breaks His heart to see we have forgotten we are His child too.


Don't think of yourself insignificant or unimportant, because you God's creation, and you are putting part of His creation down. And I know you've probably heard that before, but try to think about it like this. God boasts in you, God is proud of you, God wants to take care of you and protect you, God loves you. Certainly God sees our mistakes and I do truly believe we hurt Him sometimes, but He loves us and does not believe we should be given up on because of it. We can feel that way about ourselves as well. We can love ourselves. We can take care of ourselves, even if it means once in a while we can't help someone else out for a brief amount of time. It's not selfish. It's taking care of the gift God gave you with this life, with this body, with this time. Remember that.

So I want to leave with this piece of advice. Never forget to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, and mind. Never forget to love your neighbor and look out for them. But never forget to love yourself as you would love your neighbor as well. Never more, but never less. You are just as loved and as worthy as they are.

And let me tell you a secret, they probably think you are much more worthy than they are too. You are loved. Remind yourself of that.

Hey, I hope that was helpful for someone, I love you, and I'm praying for you.

Losing God

“I never knew there was so much green in the whole universe...” This line from Rey in The Force Awakens, and the look that Han Solo gives to her right after she said it was one of my arguments to my best friend as to why he must know who she is. It was a look of guilt. Since then my opinions have changed, and I’ve come to the conclusion that that look was not one of guilt, it was simply one of sadness for this girl, who found unbelievable beauty in something so ordinary for him. She couldn’t fathom it, it was beautiful to her, and he thought of it as a normal every-day thing.

But no, this post is not about Star Wars and who I think Rey is, though I could certainly go on for hours about that. So worry not my non-star-wars-loving friends. This is about something much bigger.

I had my own experience that was similar to Han’s when I went to Alaska and went for a hike with a couple from Denver and two boys from Ohio this summer.

After the most perfect day I could ever imagine, my friends and I settled at the top of a mountain to spend the night. It was towards the end of the summer, so the sun did go down eventually, around eleven o’clock that night, and the stars came out. And these two guys from Ohio were put in absolute awe. They had never seen so many stars... They didn’t even really know that there were that many stars out there. Me, being from a place where light pollution is not all that dominate, was not surprised by the stars, and while I thought they were beautiful, I did not really see it as something from God... until they forced me to remember how special a sky full of stars is, how much of a gift it is-that small look into how beautiful God is.

When I first got to Alaska the views literally made me cry... To look at mountains that looked like someone had photoshopped them and placed them right next to the building I was living in. To look at water that was crystal clear and filled with playful otters and sea lions and seals, and oh yeah, giant whales. To walk out on the gloomiest of days and still be able to see just how beautiful God had made this place... When I first got to Alaska everywhere I looked I could see Christ.

But by the end of my time there, three and a half months later, I was not quite as speechless, as astonished or humbled as I had been before. I did not walk out of my room every day and think to myself “The hands that made that, thought you were worth taking the time to make too. The creator that can move those mountains, walks with you every day. He made that for you.”

We lose sight of God in the things that become ordinary to us.

There is a never ending list of the blessings that God has poured out upon me that I either have forgotten isn’t a right to me (a bed to sleep in at night, food to eat, water to drink, clothes to wear, ways to communicate with my family and friends), or have found a way to complain about (warmth, water falling from the sky, schoolwork). I forget that these “simple” things are things that people in this world have literally killed for, and I get them with no struggle at all.

That’s God. And I miss Him in all of these things Every. Day.

My freshman year of college was rough for me, and I found myself asking God where He was on a regular basis. The answer is in everything good that was surrounding me. He is in the trees that give us air to breath and the grass that I love to lay in. He is in the friendships that have saved my life. He is in my friend’s dancing, their laughter, their music (think for a second about the fact that some people have never heard music... I do not know what I would do if I lost the ability to hear music). God is everywhere, He is in everything good, and we are surrounded by good things every day, sometimes we just have to remind ourselves of that.

I do not want to look at the life God has saturated with blessings every day and miss the most important part, because I am so used to it. I want to look around and see God and be thankful and joyful that my Lord is everywhere. That He chooses to give me things.

I do not want to lose the amazement that Rey, and those boys from Ohio had when they saw something beautiful for the first time, just because I am so blessed to be used to it.

Think about it like this for a moment, I know at least for me, when I see my best friends, even if I had just seen them an hour ago, I get so happy, and a smile almost always comes to my face. Even if I live with them and see them All. The. Time. I (almost) never get sick of their beauty or stop seeing it (which is another blessing from God). Obviously I have my bad days, and I apologize to those of you I have taken for granted and do not show you how special you are to me anymore. But I’m working on it.

Well I want to be like that with God. I want to be in awe of His beauty every time I see Him. I never want to take His glory and goodness for granted. I never want to lose sight of Him.

So I need to remember He is in everything good. He is in “ordinary” things that I take for granted, just as much as He is in amazing things.

And I hope you will too.