What is love?

Alright guys, I'm sorry again, I don't mean to be sappy, but stick with this one... I think it might be a bit different from what you originally think. Or maybe not. You might hate it, not gonna lie... But give it a chance if you got some time on your hands.

Recently someone kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I don't really know what it means to have someone love me. (I KNOW. CALM DOWN.) What do I mean by that? Well my friend has said to me multiple times in the past few months that I need to stop acting like being loved means nothing. And I only recently realized I have no idea what it means to be loved. I know how to love people, and I do. I love a lot of people, so very much. But I don't think I actually know what the reverse of that is.

What does it mean to be loved? Well the ultimate example of an act of true love was Anna sacrificing herself for her sister Elsa. No I'm totally kidding, but Frozen was on the right track. Jesus laid down his life for every human who ever was and who ever would be. And He knew that so many of them were going to scorn Him.

...Ha I'm listening to music right now and Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson just came on. The first line of the chorus is "If you wanna know how far my love can go, just how deep, just how wide. If you wanna know how much you mean to me look at my hands, look at my sides."

Think about that for a second.

Jesus died for you because He loved you. He didn't die thinking "Oh okay alright. This stinks, but hey I'm saving a lot of people right now so. Ya know. It's chill." No. He died thinking about you. He knew you were going to fail Him countless times, and He still went through a crucifixion for you. If you wanna know exactly why I italicized that look up how you die when you're crucified sometime.It ain't pretty. And not only that, before He died for you, He left paradise to come here. For us. There actually isn't enough time or words to say just how much Jesus did for you.

For all humanity.

And humanity killed Him.

And He knew it was gonna happen.

And He did it anyways.

And even in death, He still prayed for us. (Luke 23:34)

That's Love.

And you're guaranteed to have it.

I'm still working on fully believing that humans could love me (and I do hope this post reaches someone who understands that feeling, so that you know you're not alone) and understanding what that means. I'll have to get back to you on that one. And I hope that if you feel the same way I do you're lucky enough to have friends like mine... who never give up on me, even when I don't understand.

But I do understand that a perfect being loves me. Not just because I'm a human and it's His job to, but because I am His daughter and... He's proud of me. He loves me and runs after me every time I run away. And that's no small thing. So stop writing it off.

Give this one a chance guys. ;P

      Alright, so I try hard not to be that girl, but this has kind of been playing on my heart for a few days. And to start off I want to say I will be using myself as an example, not to be sappy or anything else weird, but simply because I know myself best...So it's easy to write about me. Anyways. And boys this post isn't just for girls... you deserve this too. 

     So I'm 19, and almost all of my friends in one of my friend groups is married. So lately I've been thinking about what I would want in a husband (not because I'm ready to get married. Ohhh no. Thats a few years out.) I've had a list of what I want for a while, but especially in this past year that list has changed a ton. And if you're like me, not married yet, it's going to change for you quite a bit. I know some of the qualities I want in a man, but something new has started to become really clear to me recently. Obviously I want my husband to love me completely and make me believe he does every day (which... if my future husband is reading this... sorry in advance, that's gonna be hard to do. It's not you, it's me), but I realized I want my husband to love specific aspects of my character. I want him to love all of me, but... okay let me try to explain.

    Above all I want the man I marry to fall in love with me because of how in love with Christ I am. The most important thing in my relationship will always be God, and I want to find a husband through Him. It would be amazing to be pursued because this guy wants to know about my faith. I want to sit on a couch and just talk about how awesome God is with the man I'll spend my life with... I want the most attractive thing about me to be my faith. And I wanted you to read that first because honestly, that's the most important thing. Marry someone who loves you for who you are in Christ, and who wants to get to know you through your relationship with Him first.

    But... I also have something else to say... Christ is first, but here are some other things I want, and I think you should want something similar.

    I want to be beautiful in my husband's eye, but I don't want that to be why he loves me. I want to be beautiful because he loves me. I want him to love me because of my passion for music, and I want music to be so much better when we're listening or playing it together. I want him to love me because if we're driving somewhere and he keeps changing the station, odds are I will know the words to 90% of songs, no matter what genre (last night went from country, to classic rock, to a t swizzle song, to wonderwall (kids ask your parents) to screamo, back to country) after roughly .7 words, and I will sing along. I want him to love my stupid humor and share it with me (our love of dumb puns will get us through much). I want him to love me because of how loud and long I laugh at random YouTube videos, and I hope to watch tons of them with him. I hope one of the reasons he loves me is how much I love anime and how excited I get about all things Disney. I don't want him to love me enough to put up with all of my quirks, I want him to love me *because* of my quirks, see the difference?     

       I have good qualities that make me a good friend, and have made me a good girlfriend in the past, and will help me be a good wife in the future. But those qualities, like honesty, loyalty, and how much I care about others can be found in tons of people. What makes me special are the weird things about me that not everyone else has. I'm not that special because of my good qualities, I'm special because of my weird qualities. You know, I have been called perfect a total of one time in my lifetime, and I'm fairly certain that the person who called me it doesn't remember it at all. But I still remember it, and it still means a lot to me. Because that person didn't just know the good qualities that make me a nice person that's pleasant to be around. That person knew me better than anyone maybe ever has. They knew all of the things that make me crazy and weird and super strange. But they still called me perfect. The only person to call me perfect, called me perfect because of how unique my oddness is. You need to be proud of your good qualities, and bestow them on the world, because there's a reason God gave them to you and gave the world you in turn. But when looking for the person you're going to be spending your life with, you totally should be looking for that sweet, caring, trustworthy, devoted person they always talk about in the movies... But also look for the person who's weirdness is what makes you love them, and vice versa. God made you unique in so many ways, and you deserve to find someone who sees all of them, and loves you for them. We all have friends who love us and accept us for ourselves (hopefully) but, trust me, its amazing when you find someone who pretty much every time you learn something new about them... something strange... makes you fall in love with them just a little more.

      Girls, wait for the guy who falls in love with you because you made up onezee (I have no idea how to spell that at all) Wednesday, or run a philosophy twitter page. Guys, wait for the girl who falls in love with you because you get super intense about your video games, or you read Jane Austin novels. Plenty of people are going to love you because you're sweet, and protective, and funny, but choose the ones who love you for those things, but fall in love with you for the special things that make you you.

      Guys, wait for the person that you love, not because when you feel like you're 100% yourself they still accept you, but because they love you most when you're 100% yourself. 

Being alone

                So this actually started off as a post about something similar… but not the same, and then kinda morphed into this one… So it might start off seeming kind of quick and out of nowhere, but know, there was originally an intro.

At least for me when I am going through horrible things, generally I feel completely alone. Not always, but a lot of the time. My friends will try to be there, but they won’t fully understand, because honestly, how could they? Or there are times where I just won’t have anyone try to be there, for many valid reasons, whether I am hiding the pain from them or they’re not there physically and don’t know how to help. So I feel alone.

For me, pretty much this whole year has felt like one huge scar being ripped into my heart, painfully and slowly. In some of that ripping process I’ve had people be there, but for a lot of it I have been alone. And before you freak out, almost all of that was because I shoved everyone out in a major way. But a tiny part of it is because physically… I am alone. I have literally three or four friends who are still in the same state as I am. So I think of myself as alone in every way. Well… God doesn’t agree with me.

I think the best story I can tell you to illustrate this is actually from quite recently. It was one of the first times I was seeing pretty much any of my friends in a few weeks (no I am not exaggerating), one of the first times I was not physically alone… And I fell apart. I was surrounded by people (I was actually at a sports game… hundreds of people and quite a few friends) and I felt 100% alone.  I ended up walking away from the crowd, bursting into tears as soon as I was clear of the people, and pretty much yelling at God for letting me feel so lonely. I had all these people around me right then, but soon I’d be alone again. And in that moment, all I really wanted was a hug. But I was talking to God, standing alone in the freezing darkness, crying, feeling like it was never going to get better.

A few days later I was talking to a friend about my harsh reality of loneliness, and he just tilted his head, looked me in the eye, and said “But you’re not alone. You have me. You have your other friends. You are loved.”  Wow. I’m not alone, I have them. I’m loved. Maybe that doesn’t seem all that exciting to you, because everyone should know it, but for me, it meant a ton. This friend pretty much always knows exactly what to say, and when he said that I was certainly comforted, but I also realize he wasn’t the first one to say that to me.  That night I was crying alone? I think God was saying that to me. While I was yelling at Him, He was standing right there, begging me to hear Him.  While I was screaming about being alone in my pain, He was saying “But you’re not alone. You have me. I’m right here, I always am… I see your pain, I feel your pain, and I want nothing more than to help you through it. Jenny. I love you. I will always love you. Please, let me show you.” God is always right here with us, and that night when I was crying? He was catching every tear, and shedding His own for me. He will never let us be alone.

So yes. Physically I am alone most of the time, and that is extremely difficult, but I need to open my eyes to the fact that I am not really isolated. On one level I have those friends, the ones who always say the right thing, the ones who hug me and never seem to want to let go, the ones who make me tea, the ones who hit me in the face with a body pillow, and then cover me in a blanket, all of whom I know I could text and they would call me in an instant if it is at all possible for them to do so. But on a much deeper, more reliable level, I have God. He understands my pain, and He wants to go through that pain with me. Can you imagine? A perfect being wants to feel your pain, just so you won’t have to bear as much of it. And there I was, yelling at Him for letting me be alone. If that one friend had been there that night, maybe I would have felt better, but God had him say that a few days later to show me something big. God has given me all these people in my life, but they are not always going to be able to be there. And they are never going to understand exactly what I’m going through. God is. And the only way for me to hear that sometimes is for God to make me stand alone, in the dark, freezing, sobbing, screaming at him for putting me in this situation. The funny thing about that is… In order for me to yell at Him, I need to know He’s there. And I always do. Sometimes He gets me angry at Him just to remind me He’s never walking out on me.

Pretty cool huh?  

And this seems like the perfect time to share my life verse with y’all: Psalm 31:7: “I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.”. Hey, He knows the anguish of your soul… you're not alone... let Him in. 

As you go into this next year

1.         This was originally for some friends who were going into college this year, but I wanted to share with all y'all too. Hope it helps!

 

Y You are perfect the way you are, right now.

a.        God made you the way you are. He loves you the way that you are. Does that mean that you don’t need to change? Of course not. God gave us time to use. To show more people who our great and loving creator is. To get to know ourselves and God a bit more.  To become more like Him. We always have room to improve who we are and our faith. But God still loves us for who we are right now. He made us into the people we are right now, and He is proud of us. Don’t hate who you are. Know that you have things to improve on, but know that even through that, God still loves you as you are. Never hate yourself… Because if God can see the depths of your heart and love you the same… You have no reason to hate yourself either. And because of that…

b.        Don’t change yourself for anyone. Believe it or not, there are plenty of people out there who are going to see you and tell you to hide some of who you are. I know this isn’t going to do much… But they don’t matter. I know I know… everyone says that. But seriously. You can choose to focus on those people who do not see every amazing part of you… or you can focus on those people who see you for all of what you are, the good, and the bad, and love you just the way you are. Everyone is going to have something they don’t like about you, but people can have things they don’t like and still love you completely and unconditionally. It might sound insane… but they exist… and they would do anything for you. Find those people, and don’t let them go. Don’t run away from them. Let them be there for you. Focus on them. There is an amazing gift in someone who sees you for exactly who you are, and still loves you and never wants to give you up.

v      Song to listen to:

1.         Indescribable by Chris Tomlin

2.        All you’ve ever wanted by Casting Crowns

2.        You deserve to be happy.

a.        God did not put on this earth to be sad. He put us here to worship Him and spread His love. Every time you feel pain, God feels it right along there with you. He wants you to find joy and hope. There is literally nothing you can do that would make God love you less. God sent his one and only son to earth to die for us. He didn’t do that so we could suffer. He did that so we could live in the freedom that Christ brought us. We don’t have to live in guilt. God does not look at us and feel shame for who we are. Like I said before, He looks at us and what He feels is pride. You deserve happiness bud. Don’t let yourself feel anything different.  And just a little piece of advice… If you feel you have no reason to be happy… take a moment and look at the Creator you believe in. He would do anything for you. He loves you. He is not going to let you go through life only for pain. He is going to bring you somewhere wonderful… You just need to remember that.

b.        One last thing on this one… God does not see us in our sin and think that any of our sins are greater than anyone else’s. A sin is a sin is a sin is a sin. We all need the same amount of redemption, and we all don’t deserve it at all. And God is ready to give it to every one of us the same. And along those same lines, your pain is just as important as everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter what you are upset about, what matters is that you are in pain, and because you are in pain, so is God. Let God take some of that, trust me he hates to see you suffering. Give some of it to Him. And don’t forget that God gave you friends to help you through things. It is okay to lean on other people. You don’t have to do this alone. He doesn’t want you to go through life in a vacuum

v      Song to listen to

1.        You are more by Tenth Avenue North

2.        East to West by Casting Crowns

3.        You can help people.

a.        I know there will be times when someone close to you is hurting, and you want nothing more than to help them, but you have no idea how to. You might feel worthless to them, but hey, trust me you are not. There is always something you can do. Just listening, just being there for them, just giving them a hug, trust me when I say that can change someone’s life. But the best thing you can do? You can love them like Jesus loved you. Love can change so much, I know it’s a total cliché, but seriously showing someone how much you love them can change a life. Love them, and pray for them. God did not ask us to do anything different, He asked us to love Him and love others. Remind those around you of the love Jesus has for us by loving on them.

v      Song to listen to:

1.         Love them like Jesus by Casting Crowns

4.        You are worth it.

a.        I’m going to keep this one short, because I don’t want to get super overly repetitive, but you are completely worth it. And you know how I know that? Because Jesus Christ thought you were worth it. He died on a cross for you. Jesus loves you so much, and His love goes so very far. He suffered for you. He doesn’t want you to change who you are, He wants you exactly as you are. If He thought you were worth it… I can be pretty darn sure that you are worth it. Look, there will be times in life where you mess up and you hurt people. That doesn’t make your friendship or your presence in their lives any less worth it. Think about what you do to God every day. He knew you were going to hurt Him and doubt Him and turn away from Him. And He still died for you. He put you in these people’s lives for a reason, you bring so much more joy than you do pain. Don’t only focus on what you do wrong, see the joy and positive things you bring to other people’s lives. They love you. They want you in it... Don’t run away from them. Please.

v      Songs to listen to:

1.        Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson,

2.        Who am I by Casting Crowns

5.        You are the child of the King.

a.        Hey. If you ever think you are not important, remember whose child you are. God did not put you somewhere because He thought that it would be great to put an extra worthless body there. Not even close. God put you where you are because He has a plan for you. Whether you believe in predestination or not, God does have something in mind for you, and He is guiding you towards it. God put you where you are because you have a role He wants you to play. You are the best you for the job you were put there for. You are important. Try to see how special you are…everyone else can. If you feel like you can’t do it, ask God for help… He wouldn’t put you somewhere just to suffer. And hey if you are suffering… something is going to come out of it that you could never imagine. God doesn’t want us to suffer, He wouldn’t let it happen for nothing.

v      Song to listen to

1.        Remind me who I am by Matthew West

6.        You are loved, and you are not alone.

a.        You are so, so, so loved. You are loved by the people around you whose lives you touch. You are loved by people you minister to, however you are called to do that. You are loved by me… even if that doesn’t mean much to you or you don’t believe it. But most importantly, you are loved by the King. The creator who has no reason to love you. But He loves you more than anyone, and everyone on this planet could. You are so special, you are so loved. And God didn’t put us here to go through everything by ourselves. He’s here with us. He is walking on the same path you are, holding His hand out, begging you to take it. He would never put you through something He wouldn’t go through himself. He wants to go through this life with you, and He’s always there, even when you don’t believe it. And if you still feel alone… Look around you. God gave you people. They want to take some of it. They hate to see you hurting. They want to help. Please… let them help. God put them there for a reason. He doesn’t want you to take everyone else’s pain and not give anyone any of your own. He wants you to lean on these people He gave you. Don’t act as though there is no one. People love you. And they want to help you.

v      Song to Listen to

1.        Strong Enough by Matthew West

Extra Songs: Words I would say by the Sidewalk Prophets, Hosanna by Hillsong United

Signed,

                The person who will never forget, who is always here, and will never stop loving you.

The truth about your worth

Okay so here it is. This is for all of you out there who think of yourself as less than a 5. Everyone else is a 7 or above right? But you, no you are a 3. There is just so much wrong with you and you will never be as worthy of love as the people around you. This post is for you.

I never saw myself as more than a say… 4 if we want to stick with the rating system. Granted there are some days when I still think of myself that way, I don’t think there is anyone out there who always sees themselves as a ten (unless you are totally full of yourself. Which hey. You do you, I ain’t judging.) But for the first time in my life I can see who I really am. I’m beautiful and funny and smart and strong. And I’m not saying that to be arrogant, I just finally can say who I am without feeling like I’m bragging. It took me 19 years to get here, but I got here. And I wanted to share with you the single most important thing I learned along the way.

For 19 years I had people telling me over and over again how great I am. I had plenty of people telling me how horrible or ugly or fat I was too, but many more people telling me how wonderful I was. The thing was, the only people I believed were the people tearing me down. Recently I was talking to someone going through something similar to what I was and ended up saying “It’s amazing how far down words can throw you, but then they can do nothing to bring you back up.” She immediately agreed with me and we went on to talk about something different. I’m sure you guys know what I’m talking about. And that mentality right there, is what kept me as thinking of myself as a 4 for my whole life. Get ready for some clichés, that I completely promise you are totally true.

You know how everyone always says it doesn’t matter how much they build you up, because if you don’t see your worth for yourself, it won’t go anywhere. Well… yeah. If you don’t believe what the people around you are saying, you’re just going to think that they are lying to you. And then you’re going to think they are just pitying you and that’s why they are trying to build you up. And then you’re going to feel even worse about yourself. And yet we still look to other people to build us up. That is something I still don’t get. But I did it for almost two decades so… Looking to others to build up your self-esteem doesn’t work if you are not even willing to be open minded about yourself. For me, that’s all it took. I couldn’t just see myself as this great person right away, but I started to just be a little more open to what these people were saying. If so many people were telling me I was pretty, and smart, and strong, maybe, just maybe all of them were not just telling me the same lie over and over again. I started trying to see the me that they saw. It was not an overnight process, but each day it did get better. If all of these people who I loved and admired so much didn’t think I was worthless… maybe I shouldn’t either. But it took me being willing to actually see some good in myself first.

Look. I know everyone says it, you have to be able to see the good yourself before you’re going to believe it. But believe me when I say that’s true. Nothing anyone says will make you feel better about yourself if you don’t think there’s a reason to believe it. Take it from someone how always saw herself as a failure and a waste of space and air. You have to look to yourself for you self-worth. Not others, at least not at first.

At this point in my life, I don’t think I am more worthy of love than anyone else, but I finally see I am no less worthy of it than any of my amazing friends or teachers or anyone I have ever admired. I am so very broken, but so is everyone else. We are all broken, just in our own ways, and we are all amazing and beautiful and wonderful in our own ways. And we are all equally worthy of love. The trick is getting yourself to believing that. And I know one blog post by some random 19 year old isn’t going to change the hearts of many, but I’m hoping it will be a nudge in the right direction.

Guys, I’ve been there. I’m not just someone who has never really understood what you’re going through and is trying to tell you what works without really knowing if it does. This works. You have to see how amazing you are yourself. People can help you get there, but only if you let them. One of the most amazing people I’ve ever met thought they were worthless because they never let the fact that so many people loved them and cared for them sink in. Because they wouldn’t open themselves up to seeing what we saw. I’m not saying it’s easy, or even the whole journey, but it’s the first necessary step.

I don’t care if we have never spoken or we aren’t really friends or whatever our relationship is. I know you are worthy of love. Because *everyone* has something in them to love. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you.

"Friendships"

Warning: As you read this post, I would suggest that you don't take any of what I say about my friendships and apply it to you. It's probably not about you, and I don't want you to get hurt about something that has nothing to do with you. Don't worry about it, I love you. :-)

You see the thing about me is I used to be a pushover. I didn't really care how you treated me. I would't complain about it. And I've had so many friendships that just ended up hurting me because of that. All because I didn't say anything. When you have so many friendships where the other person treats you like you're nothing, it can really put a dent in your self-worth. So I'm hoping some of the advice in this post will help those of you out there like me.

I'm not saying that you should only be nice to people when you can expect something in return, I'm more saying that friendship is a two way street. If someone comes to you only to have fun, or when they are in need of something, I don't really know if that's friendship (more on that later). There's nothing wrong with what that is, but don't let yourself get too attached to those people. You can help others without attaching yourself too much to them if that's just going to hurt you.

Look I'm no saint, in fact the first time I really experienced a one way friendship was when I was on the other side of the situation. I had one friend who I guess I wan't really much of a friend to. When she finally told me what I was doing: only really going to her when I needed something, I didn't know what to do. So I didn't do anything, and our friendship suffered. As in it ceased to exist for a while. Now that someone's treated me like that so many times, and I know how much it hurts, I feel terrible for doing that to anyone.

If someone goes to you only when they need something, it's fine to help them, and I personally think if you can help you should. My warning is simply to not expect the same thing from them. Because when you expect the same and it doesn't happen, that's when you get hurt. Help the people you can, just don't rely on everyone until they prove themselves worthy of being relied on, if only to save yourself some hurt. Does this mean that you can go through life just helping others with no one helping you? No. That's not what I'm saying and that doesn't work. I'm just saying all the people you are there for in life are not going to be there for you, and you need to be ready for that.

The next type of "friendship" is probably going to concern you all a bit at least at first in terms of what I'm saying, so I ask that you just stick with me.

If someone only want to have fun with you (meaning not talk about anything deeper than a puddle on a sunny day) that's fine, but again, I don't really think that's much of a friendship. I can't go as far as to say it's not friendship at all, but honestly in my opinion that's more of treating each other like toys. It is perfectly fine to just want to have times where it's just fun, and not heavy deep and real. But when that's constant, that's when I personally get nervous. It might be because I've had so many bad experiences with friendships in the past, so seriously, take this advice at face value knowing where I'm coming from. To me, the "only for fun friendships" (again) really remind me too much of toys. And when toys stop being fun, you tend to thrown them out. Get why I'm nervous? (And there might be some of you out there who are thinking "well Jenny, I have plenty of friends that I just have fun with... but we still are really good friends, I know that with our friendship, when the going gets tough, the tough are not just going to leave" (I really hope you understood that) and that is fine! I have plenty of friends who I just have fun with, but it's not because we consciously want that to happen, it's just because we're fun people and we always just end up having a blast just having fun. But the thing about these friends is I know if I did want to be serious about something, I could be. It's the friends that shut down when it becomes less fun that I'm afraid of. Okay? Get it?)

So for those of you on the side of the friendship where you're likely to get hurt, don't stop being the wonderful person you are and stop helping others for no other reason than you want to. And don't shut people out who want to know you for fear that they're going to crush you. Just know that there are people out there who are going to disappoint you, and be prepared for that.

And for those of you who think that maybe you might seem like you're on the other side of the friendship... Do yourself and your friends a favor and let them know how much they mean to you. If you feel like they're always helping you and you are not reciprocating, just let them know that you are in fact there for them if they need you. And if you feel like you just like to have fun, honestly I'd do the same thing. Let them know that you love having fun with them, but if they ever need you for something other than fun, again, you're going to be there for them.

I love you guys so much! Thanks for reading, hope I helped!

Church

The other day I was in church, and something kind of struck me. We all have had a time when we griped and complained about going to church. For me that was middle school through high school. yeah it was a really long, and really dark time in my life.

Anyways.

We've all had that time when we didn't want to go to church. We have to wake up early on one of our precious weekend days (no I'm not being sarcastic, sleep is my closest friend). There are other things we can use our day for (i.e homework, study, chores, hang out with friends... the list never ends). Trust me I completely understand.

But the other day at church, I realized how ridiculous that was. Think about what Church is for a moment. Think about what you are allowed to do in Church. Think about who's presence you are in.

When we go to church, we are in the presence on all powerful, all knowing, and all loving God. Why do we complain about that? Why do we moan about that privilege? It's kind of like saying, oh gross. I have to go to a concert of a band that I love and have to actually interact with them. Times a billion. Get my point? Why did I let that opportunity pass literally hundreds of times over these last seven years? And that's not even the only reason to go to Church. There is plenty more that goes into a church service to look forward to. If not hearing the word of God (pretty important in a church service), another thing to keep you going would be the community. And I feel the need to say that if the community at the church is not a reason to at least stop by once in a while, there is a problem.

But back to the main point.

Church should not be a chore. It is a privilege. And I am overly grateful and blessed to live in a place where I can go to Church every Sunday. There are plenty of amazing things about church that you should look forward to. I'm not saying that is always going to happen, and I know from here on out I will not always be overjoyed about going to church. But it is certainly something to think about.

Finally some food for thought-Even when we complain about going to church, to go hang out with Jesus, that perfect creator that loves us, He doesn't complain. God looks forward to coming and spending time with us completely broken beings. A perfect God, wants to spend time with us. That is amazing.

Happiness.

Before I start, I need to say I'm not the happiest person around, though people have told me they think otherwise. I'm just a very good actress. I'm upset about something or other most days of the year. This post isn't me preaching at you guys, this post is just as much for me as it is for you guys. 

I was talking to this girl I know today about happiness. She said that she was happy some days, but it was okay because that was life. 

That got me thinking. Why is that life? Or rather why do we think that is life? I mean this girl is not the only person who has said that being happy only some days is "life", not by a long shot. I'm not saying that everyone should be happy all day every day with no exceptions, I mean if I was saying that I would be the biggest hypocrite I know. When I told this girl that I didn't think that was life, I thought that was just how too many people, especially in America see it, she asked me how we should see it. 

Well that's a good question. How should we see life, or more specifically happiness's role in our life? Here's my attempt at an answer. 

At first I was thinking an ideal world everyone would not despair, at least in my eyes because of what Christ did for us. William Willimon said in his book Calling and Character that Christian's weren't allowed to despair (don't quote me on that, I might be wrong or I could have misinterpreted what he was saying). I'm honestly not sure how I feel about that anymore, which is something I will post about later. But now to the point. 

Trust me when I say I know that never despairing, even as Christians is impossible. So with that in mind, what is the ideal world? I honestly don't know, but I am pretty sure that I know there is a flaw in the system somewhere. Here's why. 

If you ask anyone who has gone on a missions trip to a third world country, they will tell you that the children they met there, these children who have so much worse lives than we do, are happy all the time. They find joy in everything they can. I live in America, and I'm assuming most of the people reading this are from a first world country. (I'm not saying at all that people in first world countries don't have anything to worry about. Don't take it like that at all. I could talk for hours on the things we need to fix in America to make lives better for it's people, that's just not what I'm writing about now okay? Calm down.) While there are still important things we need to deal with here, we have more than many many countries out there do. And yet I bet we could find more to complain about.

I AM NOT SAYING that America is a privileged country that needs to open it's eyes to the real world (though one could make an argument for that) I'm just saying we need to learn to see all the things we have, rather than all the things we don't have. 

For example I know plenty of people who will get great grades on exams, but they won't see the points they did get, they'll see the small amount of points they didn't get. I am completely one of those people. (Seriously ask ANY of my friends.) Why can't we just stop, and be happy with our grade. And still strive to do better, not because our first grade wasn't good enough, just because we should always strive to be better. 

There is SO MUCH to be happy about in this world. And, yes, there is so much to be sad about in this world. But why do the sad things have to outweigh the good things? Why can't we try to focus on the good things, like those kids who have so little to be happy about? Don't let the joyful things in life pass you by. 

So... be happy guys. You're beautiful (or handsome) when you smile. There are people who love you out there, and I am one of them. I hope for the best of all of you. 

Love you guys!! Hope I helped a little. 

Be yourself, because everyone else is already taken.

I come from a very small school where everyone knows me by name. (Whether I know them is a completely different story, but everyone knew me). Most of them also knew my story and what I stand for. I never had a problem with this, because I'm a very open book, and no one ever made fun of me for it, normally people just asked me deep questions about my beliefs. I mean, at some points it got overwhelming and I wished that I could just go somewhere where everybody doesn't know my name. (Anyone get that reference? Anyone?) I think one of the things I found so exciting about going to college was that I was finally going to get away from the same stories and faces. Don't get me wrong, I love everyone from my hometown and I miss it a ton every. day. But I do think I needed to get away from home for a bit. But now to the point of my post.

College is hard.

Before I go any further, I need to point out that I am, maybe 5 weeks into college (I don't even know). This is the farthest I've been from home without my dad. Yeah it's gonna be hard. I'm not a unique case. This isn't my family's, or friend's, or college's fault. No one can do anything about it, this is  just a growing up experience. I'm not totally miserable. This isn't a post to say how horrible life is for me and how all of you should be sad for me. No. I'm fine, just homesick. Get that? Okay? Good? Good.

Anyways, college is hard. I don't mean the classes are hard, yet, I mostly mean the social life. I don't even know how many people are at my college, but I'm pretty sure my class is bigger than my entire high school put together. And coming to college I didn't know any of them. A few thousand people who don't know me at all is a big change from a few hundred people who all knew me fairly well. Let me tell you a story about why it is important for me to adjust to this.

I went with some of my friends to a senior's apartment to study for a test. None of these people knew me very well, it only being a few weeks into school. But I get comfortable around people very fast. So when the senior asked us if we wanted anything to drink, my first response was "yeah got any beer?".

Back at my high school, everyone knows that I wouldn't touch beer with a 30 foot pole. Not only because it's illegal, but also because I hate alcohol, and much more importantly it's against my moral code. People don't really know this at my college. To them I'm some random chick who's from Massachusetts and talks about hockey a lot. It was even worse for the senior who's apartment I was at, because we had met about 30 minutes before, when I walked into the apartment. It didn't occur to me to actually explain that I was joking, because back at high school I wouldn't need to explain it. Thankfully my friend who did know me explained to the senior that I wasn't actually being serious, and I'm just a really odd person. The senior understood and forgave my strangeness, and I would like to think we're friends now. But I do often wonder what that senior would think of me if my other friend had not reminded me that I actually have to clarify when I'm joking.

People don't know me or my story here, and honestly it's really hard to remember people are getting their first impression of me here. I can't just be my weird, sarcastic self here because people will think I'm a terrible person. I have to show people that I am actually nice (at least so I've been told) and normal, before I can show them that I'm insane. That's hard guys. That's really hard. And even though there were times I wish people just didn't know me when I was at high school, I really miss everyone knowing me. I hate how people see me now might be how they see me for the next four years of my life.

But that's the same everywhere, trust me I am perfectly aware that changing colleges isn't going to change anything. In fact it would just make it worse. I'm just saying it's hard.

So here's my advice to all you other first years struggling to fit in. Be yourself. I know it's a radical thought, but honestly I think people don't do that enough. You're at a new place where no one knows you now. That doesn't mean that you have to re-invent yourself into someone you think other people will like better. Here's another radical thought-if you do want to re-invent yourself, re-invent yourself into someone you like better. There are people out who are going to love you for exactly who you are, and those are the people you want to be friends with.

Back to the story above. The senior in question is seriously one of the nicest people I've ever met, and instantly forgave me for being so weird. But what if the senior didn't forgive me, and if that one comment turned them away from me forever? That one comment could have ruined a friendship. But guess what. If that one comment turned him away I don't think we could have been good friends anyways. I make jokes and sarcastic comments all the time. Saying things like that is the norm for me. I was completely myself in front of him (though maybe a bit sooner than I normally would be) and he didn't hate me for it! He could handle me being me and didn't judge me (too hard) for it.

You don't have to change who you are to make friends at college. Be yourself. You're a pretty awesome person, and the people who you meet are going to be able to catch onto it. If one part of you turns someone away from you, they are the ones missing out. You are not.

Look I know as well as the next guy how hard it is to go to a new place where no one knows you, but I promise you, if you are true to yourself, you're not going to be alone for very long.

Sorry if that was a little jumbled guys, I hope it made sense. I have a few more things I want to talk about, so it won't be a year till the next post I promise! :-) Love you guys to the moon!!

Wars

In my sophomore year of high school, we were talking about war in my history class. I forget exactly what I said, but whatever it was got the message across that I didn’t agree with war. I distinctly remember one of my friends turning to me and saying “Wait are you anti-war?” I didn’t respond, but gave her a “duh” look. Her only feedback to me was “Get out”. That obviously wasn’t something that my friend was okay with. The way she saw it, I was being an ignorant child by disagreeing with war.

The other day the radio was on in my dorm bathroom while a bunch of us girls were getting ready in the morning. Pretty soon after walking in, the air raids on Syria were mentioned. I had found out about it the night before thanks to my handy dandy news app on my tablet. It was troubling to me then, and from the look on my friend’s face, it was just as troubling to her. My other friend was standing across the bathroom, but heard all the same things we did. Her response was fairly amusing to me actually. She said that she wished she could just walk into a UN meeting, or even better a meeting of all the world leaders and sing to them a song. I’m sure you can guess which one she was thinking of. That great, catchy tune why can’t we be friends.

At this point I was still pretty upset over the air raids so I kind of gave her a weak smile, and thought to myself “and they would tell you you are being an ignorant little child who doesn’t understand the workings of the world” (you know, if they didn’t kill her first).

Here’s my question.

Think of two children. They start fighting over something, it could be something extremely stupid, or it could be something that even us knowing adults can understand the conflict in. Would you just sit there and allow the children to beat the snot out of each other? What if they were conniving enough to get other children to fight each other for them? Would you just sit there and let the violence happen? The general consensus (as I understand it) is no. Of course you wouldn’t allow the children to be subject to this violence. You would stop it as soon as you could and tell them (common guys I know you know this) to talk it out. Or maybe not talk it out, just drop it all together. (Dropping it all together don’t necessarily work, but that’s an idea for another day). Bottom line, you wouldn’t allow them to resort to violence. You would probably yell at the kids for getting other children involved if they did. You would make sure that the children got the message that violence is not okay.

So why then, is war okay?

Now I know some of you are thinking, “Uh… Jenny it’s a pretty big leap to go from two children fighting to war”. Okay, so… bring it up through all the ages. Doesn’t matter how old you are, generally the consensus is that violence is not okay. I know some of you still thinking I’m making too big a leap. You can’t compare two people conflicting to countries conflicting. Why? Because on the country level it’s too big of a scale, much different from two people jut disagreeing.

You’re right. Because with two people, thousands upon thousands of people aren’t being killed.  Two people might just get beat up if they disagree. People don’t even agree with that. Why then, would they agree with war? Maybe I’m just an optimistic 18 year old, but I have to believe that there’s a better way.

And... jobs.

So I'm going to be going to college this fall, and I really, really need money, so I did what any reasonable person would do, I got a job. Unfortunately, it's a job that I have to work horrible hours and never see my family, and I get paid next to nothing. 

Along with that it's a job where I have to deal with people who think that I have an IQ less than the cost of the meal they're buying.

I told my brother that I wanted to quit as soon as I could, and he told me that, hey it was a paycheck...something I've been told over and over again. 

But look, money doesn't matter to me, and I wonder how much my time with my family, and how much my self respect, how being able to stand up without being in pain, costs me, is the minimum wage (before they take out taxes so I'm actually only get 78% of what I make) an equal trade off? I honestly don't think so. 

I know someone who got a job last year in food service, and was getting bad hours, and bad pay (entry level job... not that surprising). But a few weeks into it she got accused of stealing money (by someone who had almost none of the facts and just assumed it was her), and got fired, for all of two hours, when they figured out that they had just done something wrong with the register, and begged her to come back. When I heard that story, I said I would have quit in an instant. I really wouldn't want to work somewhere where they fire me for something I didn't do, and something that they know almost none of the facts for. Again, people instantly told me.. that hey it was a paycheck. But seriously is working with people who don't trust you at all, and don't respect you worth it? For horrible hours... and minimum wage? I don't like most of my job, but I love most of the people I work with. That's one of the only reasons I can deal with it. 

 I know that I'm 18, and I can't say that I know the true value of money, so maybe... In a few years I won't agree with anything in this post. But right now...I just don't know how much minimum wage is worth. 

It is stupid how expensive life is. And it's obnoxious how hard it is to get an entry level job. But at some point... It is something you have to deal with. And yes, that really really does stink. But it's not the end of the world. So instead of ranting to you like I've been doing to my friend Danni all week... here's some advice.

If you haven't gone to college yet, and are planning on going away for college, get a job sooner rather than later. It's extremely hard to get a job for just a summer. I wish I had gotten a job earlier in high school, and I could have worked through this summer, and have some more money saved up. 

No matter what job you have, don't let it, or the people you deal with make you think any less of yourself. You are an amazing person, no matter what job you have. 

Don't let a job get too much in the way of seeing the people you love. Yes you have to work, and yes there's going to be times where you can't see your friends or family because you have to work, but don't let it take every moment you have. What's more important, spending time with those people you love, or money? Yes you need to make money to survive, but don't let it take over your life.... it shouldn't be the most important thing. 

Finally... Here's something a new friend has taught me- always find something to be positive about. I promise you there's always  something. In her words, if you're on you half break in an 8 or 9 hour shift, don't look at it as only thirty minutes, look at it as thirty glorious minutes to enjoy yourself and recharge. Find a friend who texts back fast, and send them a message on your break, or call them! If they can make you smile, it's worth it. I call my family every day on my break to talk, sometimes it's the only communication we have with each other all day. I text my friends and they always find a way to make me laugh. There's always a reason to smile. 

And lastly, find someone who's okay with you venting. It's gonna need to happen, find someone who will let you vent, but will also slap you back into shape when you're stuck in a pit of self pity. (Don't worry everyone does it). 

Alright I hope that this helped you somewhat, and it wasn't too ranty. 

Alright, thanks for reading!!! I love you guys. :)

Friends.

So, here's the deal.

No one would ever really describe me as a loner. I have more friends than I can really count, and every friend I have on facebook I actually enjoy being around. I work at burger king (more on that later) and I love meeting the people who come up to my counter (who are not jerks). Long story short, I'm a people person. Honestly, I don't get mad that often... But I do get frustrated.

Look before you read this-I'm kind of a horrible friend, and I'm not saying that I'm the greatest friend in the world in this post; everything I say here, applies to me as well. I just feel like it's time someone said something.

So in short, this post is about putting some effort into your friendships.

Do any of you have that friend that you do really care about, but you never start a conversation with them? You just wait for them to text you... because you know they will? You never go to see them, because you know they will always come to see you? You do really value them and their friendship... but you don't put in effort they do. I'm not saying it's fine for you to do it, but a lot of people do, so don't be ashamed, just notice what you're doing, and... stop.

Yes, I have plenty of friends that I do this to, but I also have plenty of friends who do this to me. And it feels horrible. It feels like these people don't care about me at all. I send them texts all the time... but if I don't... I won't hear from them. It's like I don't matter to them. Honestly I feel like if they sent me *one* text once in a while I would know that I'm not the only one who cares about the relationship.

I know I shouldn't... but I get discouraged. And that's one of the worst feelings.

So pick up the phone. Send your friend a text. Don't make them feel like they matter to you. All it's going to take is ten seconds to write "hi". Let them know they matter to you.

And hey, I'm sorry if it seems like you don't matter to me. I promise you, you do. Thanks for being in my life. (Even if you're just a blog reader). You'll hear from me soon I promise.

You know what gets me mad? When people say they understand depression. They think that if they've studied it enough they know whats going on. They think that because they have friends who have dealt with it and told them about it that they understand. They think that they know the signs for depression. They think that they alone can help it.

Look, I'm gonna be that jerk to tell you right now that unless you have felt the heart wrenching depression that people suffer from, you don't understand it. Unless you have literally felt that weight of sorrow and hopelessness, and worthlessness, you don't understand. And when I say literally, I mean you can literally feel that weight crushing down on you. It feels like you can't breath. You can't understand the point of being alive, because no one would ever want a piece of rubbish like you. No one would mourn for very long if you suddenly weren't there.

In seventh grade I was so far down in a deep hole that I didn't think that anyone would ever be able to come to me. My friend wrote me...I'm not sure if you'd call it a poem, but it was poem-like about how there isn't a light switch that you can just turn on when you hit Rock Bottom. Thankfully at that point I was on the recovery, and it actually made a difference. But let me tell you, a few months before that, I didn't want to find a light switch, because in my mind, if I found a light switch, I was probably going to be taking some light away from someone else, and I had no right to anyone's light, and I certainly didn't have any myself.

Rock Bottom is a scary place. But you know what's really messed up?

It also feels like a safe place. You don't want to leave the one thing you know, because at least you know what emotions you're dealing with at Rock Bottom. If you try to change, who's to say that you won't have to deal with something even worse.

Over a year ago I posted about making sure that you help those people who need to be helped, listen to the listeners. I think it is only fair to tell you, that those people who are with my old friend Rock Bottom, they are not going to be reaching  out. You will not know that they need you for the most part, until they've already made mistakes. Most people down there are not strong enough to cry out for help, or more likely, don't believe that they deserve help. Show them you care. And no, this doesn't mean try to be the hero for that depressed kid you've never talked to, even if you don't want to be. To make a real difference, you actually have to want to make one.

If your best friend is going through a really hard time, theoretically you're genuinely going to want to help them. But what about that weird kid who keeps to themselves in the corner? You've never really given them a second  thought. But maybe you listen to a song, or a read a story, or even read this blog post and you want to be a hero. Look I'm not saying that you can only help people you've talked to before, oh my word no I'm not saying that, don't misinterpret this. But what I am saying is you can't help someone if you go into it just wanting to be a hero. You have to go into because you want to help them. Not to feel better about yourself but because you understand that they are worth something. You believe that they deserve better than they are giving themselves.

Every time I write a post on here I hope it changes someone's point of view on what I'm talking about, or maybe even just gets them to think. Although most of my posts are heavy deep and real, they are not to depress the crap out of you. I promise, I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy (that might actually be because I don't hate anyone, but you know. It's a nice thought that I'd be that kind). But I know that there are people out there like me, who need help. And I know that there are people out there like you who can help them. So, next time a friend's looking down, or isn't talking as loud as they normally do, or avoiding eye contact, or doodling instead of engaging (and those doodles are not hearts with some cute guy/girl in them), stop talking about yourself for a day. Just ask them about them. Show them that you really want to know, and you do really care. Help them.

And for those of you like me who are reading this post, I promise it's not as bad as it seems to ask for help. Rock Bottom isn't the best place there is. Trust me. There is someone out there who loves you. I know that everyone says this, and normally I'm always like, wow that's a load of crap, but I seriously do love each and every one of you who reads this blog. I will be praying for you who need help, and those of you who want to help, but don't know how. There is always someone out there. Even if they're on the other side of the world.

God Bless You All. Stay Safe.

Remember there is someone who loves you always.