Alright guys, I haven't written for a while... mostly because I was too lazy. Yeah, I'm not afraid to say it. But I'm back now with a post that a little down to earth, and might be shocking for those of you who know me.
I know what it's like to be constantly hurting. Why? Because I always suck in my grief and pain and anger, and only let it out when I'm alone or it just bursts. Why do I do this? Because I find it's easier to pretend I'm fine than watch people grow bored with my pain.
Now don't get me wrong I have a ton of amazing friends, and I'm sure that most of them wouldn't get bored with me if I were to tell them about what's bothering me. Hey I mean I've gotten 385 page views on a blog that is simply about what makes me angry.
But lets think about it. I'm sure that you all have that one friend that smiles all the time, is always there for you, and always tries to make everyone laugh. (I'm not saying I'm that person, I simply strive to be that person) Would you still like them just as much if you realized that they have so much pent up anger and grief and are just waiting to explode? Wouldn't it just be easier for you to just ignore that part of them, and just think about the smiling happy go lucky kid that you're used to?
Now I'm not saying everyone is like that, don't get me wrong. In fact right now I have two friend who wanted to help me deal with some news that I just got that had me crying the second I heard it (even if it is just some stupid teenage problem). One of them told me that she would be crushed if she found out what I did and wanted to know if I wanted to call her.
But for me it's easier to hide behind the computer, where no one can see my tears. Or hear them. It's easier to be the kid that's just always happy, even if it does hurt.
But I know for a fact that it's not just me who feels like this. There is this kid at my school who is the nicest guy you will ever meet. He always has a smile on his face, and is ALWAYS willing to help you out with anything. You would think he's the happiest guy ever, but last year I got to see another side of him, if only a tiny bit of it. I learned that he is so angry. And he actually has a good reason to be. But he keeps it inside so as not to burden anyone with it.
I just want to be there for him, but the biggest question is, does he want anyone to be there for him? I know even the people to offer to help me don't get any of my emotions, because I'm afraid to let them see the real me.
But anyways here's what I have to say. If you are that kid who bottles stuff up inside, I dare you to find someone to talk to. Someone who wants to listen. I know it's going to be hard to open up after all this time of hiding away, but I promise you it's for the best. (and yes I understand I'm being hypocritical) And for those of you who do have someone you can talk to, someone you let see the real pain you feel, be there for someone else. Or the same person. It doesn't matter. Just be there for someone. It makes a difference.
For those of you like me, don't hold it in until it makes a scar.
Very thought provoking post :) I know exactly what you are talking about...I think everyone deals with it to some point. I don't think people get as much bored when one tries to share stuff that you are going through with them, as much as they don't know how to handle it, and thus try to back down. Sometimes there isn't a lot one can do...except just to listen and be there for the other person when they want to talk...which everyone does at some time or other.
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