Working With God

So this summer I have the amazing gift of being able to work and do ministry in Alaska  through A Christian Ministries in the National Parks with my mentor, and I am overjoyed about it. There are no words to describe how beautiful it is here, and honestly, the people are so so nice here, it's a very different culture from the cold New England attitude I come from.

But the best thing about this summer is how much I am learning about myself and God, and how God is working in my life. I really want to tell you about one of the things that has been working on my heart.

So the day after I got here, my mentor and I were walking around Anchorage, just talking and enjoying the area. And she told me about this concept that she had learned about this year, that she really wanted me to keep in mind while we worked together this summer.

The concept was the difference between being used by God, and working with God.

Think about it like this, would you want your boyfriend or friends or family to use you? No, that's not a healthy relationship, and it also implies that the other person is only in the relationship to get something out of it. That's not what our relationship with the Lord is supposed to look like.

When I have loved people, I have wanted the best for them, I have wanted them to get where they want to go in life, and I have wanted to help them achieve those things. But I have wanted to work with them to help them get there, not just be a stepping stool for them.

And I honestly believe that is what God wants out of His relationship with us too. We are called to spread the word about His love and Him, and show people Him. And at least personally there have really been times where I pretty much feel like I'm just supposed to be God's robot, none of me in my body doing anything, just Him. And to a point that's true, but I know I at least have a tendency to take that to too much of an extreme.  God gave each of us different personalities, and I think He did that for a reason.

Yes there is supposed to be WAY more of Him than our sinful selves in us, but there is supposed to be some of us. I don't think God put us on the earth with the thought "Okay Jeanette, here you are in the world, I'm making you different from everyone else, giving you your own gifts and unique things to love about you, you are like no one else. Now don't use any of those things I have given you to make you you in the world."

God is supposed to shine through us, but I think he made us like stained glass windows, each showing Him in a different light. Showing the same thing in different colors. Because I think everyone is blind to some colors, and they need the light to shine through a different one to see it fully. And even more importantly, all the different colors put together are what make the picture whole and beautiful.

I think it is really easy to want to have none of ourselves in us, and only God showing, because it is really easy for us to only see the horrible things about ourselves. But each of us have God's fingerprint on us, meaning there is something really special about each of us. And God wants to work with each one of His unique creations. If he simply wanted us to be nothing more than tools, He could have made us much easier to use.

But I think he doesn't want to use us, I think He wants to work with us.

And I think that's wicked awesome.

Happiness

So here's the thing, that I really never want to admit to people, but I think I want to tell you guys. I have depression, and pretty bad anxiety too. There have been times when it's intense debilitating anxiety or depression, and I've gone through most of my life trying to fight it, and most of the time, I will admit I lost that battle.

I remember the first time I told my best friend in college that I had depression, he told me to just be happy. Which, as you might guess, kind of ticked me off. I told him it's not a switch, but I would do my best to hide it better. I'm sure you've seen those posts on facebook or something similar where people sarcastically respond to comments like his with something like "oh. wow, thank you so much! I'm cured, I didn't know that I should just be happy, that makes all the difference!"

We say it's not a choice. Because it's not normally. We don't like to be upset, we don't like to hurt this much. If we could just be happy we would. But it's not a choice.

But recently, I've started questioning that. And before you get mad or upset, remember, I am someone who goes through depression and deals with it on the daily. I am someone who has literally felt the weight of depression pushing down on me. There have been times in my life where I prayed every day that God would take me home, because I couldn't take it anymore. I know what depression, what hopelessness, can feel like.

But I think in a way, happiness is a choice. I think just being happy, as in, waking up every morning joyful, that I don't think is a choice. That doesn't just happen to people. But I think the problem can sometimes be that we don't understand that happiness isn't just something we stumble upon, pick up, and never have to work at again.

Happiness is a fight.

And the choice we make is whether or not we are going to fight that fight.

But it's not a choice you just make once, and then you're good. It's not a one battle war. Every morning when you wake up you have to make the choice to fight.

And that's really scary... Trust me I know.

Excuse my language, but it royally sucks to find out that you can never stop fighting for happiness. To find out that once you find it, you don't just get it. It stinks that there are going to be times where the depression and hurt take over again, right when you feel like you've finally said goodbye for the last time, and you know you have to start fighting will all your might again.

But it's worth it, I promise. Fighting hard every day for joy is so much better than misery you've made yourself comfortable with.

When I was a freshman in high school, someone said to me for the first time that I was not trying to let go of my depression, or at least fighting it, because I was afraid of what anything else was like. I knew I was miserable where I was, but I was afraid of anything else. I was miserable but at least I knew how to handle what I was going through. At least I knew I could survive it. I was comfortable.

It took me a while to really realize how right she was. I wasn't looking to change anything, because I was afraid if I tried to stand up, the world would knock me over, and I wouldn't know how to recover. I was afraid to hope that there was anything else, because I did not want to get hurt when what I was hoping for did not work out for me.

I stayed in the hell I knew, because I was afraid that the heaven I was looking for was just a new hell.

But living in misery is no way to live either. Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith, and do something that terrifies you.

It could take a long time, and a really hard battle, but you just might find joy, and all the fighting will be worth it.

Promise.

Worship.

Before I start, I feel the need to say that the first three "paragraphs" are not me trying to compare myself to my friends and put myself down. There is a point. 

Worship: (n) the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity.

I love to sing. If you've known me for more than twenty minutes it is likely that you are aware of this fact. I've been told I'm decent. But I'm nothing compared to my roommate Hannah, who is a double major in music and Spanish, and whose voice makes me want to cry it's so beautiful.

I also love to write. Not many people know this part of me at my school (well I mean.. I write a blog so some people might have picked up on it, but who knows?). I've been told I'm good at it. But I'm nothing compared to one of my best friends Sage, who is an English major, and her writing is something I never want to stop reading.

I love to dance. Very few people know this about me. I have been told multiple times people are very surprised when they see me dance, to see that I'm actually pretty good at it. But I'm nothing compared to my other best friend Megan, who is in a number of dance groups on campus, has been dancing most of her life, and dances with a joy that is contagious.

What I love most about these people is that they take some (they have many more) of their greatest talents and use them to worship God.

Hannah uses her music to worship God, and not even only when she's singing praise and worship music. Any time she's singing or playing, she's worshiping God. She gets to make this beautiful noise and share it with the world, and it's all because of God. When I was younger and played Viola well, I remember thinking that violas allowed humans to make a sound that is much more beautiful than we ever could have done on our own. When I was playing, and when Hannah's playing, we get to say "Hey! Listen to this! This is our God showing some of his wonderfulness through us. Let us show you how beautiful He is." While praising God saying "Thank you so much for giving me something I love, thank you for showing this to me. Thank you for this talent. Thank you for speaking through me in the most incredible of ways."

Sage has told me numerous times that writing to her is worship. She puts it much more eloquently than I can:
"God has been likened to an author throughout history, and it is not hard to see why, for it is God that creates the stories of every being that has ever lived. Being a writer has led me to encounter and explore new depths of God that I had never considered before. Each time I write, I glimpse a minuscule fraction of what it must be like for God to craft a brilliantly singular plan for each person that breathes. It is a humbling and overwhelming gift to be able to imitate such ability...Our existence is but one small facet of God’s great story, and this tale we are currently living in is one that will not conclude until Christ returns again. We have been redeemed and shown how to live, but there is still more to come. Even so, we know how this story will end. Love has the final say. Jesus has already won the war, even though it seems like evil is triumphant each day. There is a final victory coming, and God knows when that will occur. When it does, the original Author will answer all questions, tie up all loose ends, and resolve all strife—just as simple humans like you and me strive to emulate at the conclusion of a powerful tale crafted by our imaginations."

It has become clear to me in the past few months especially, how wonderful worshiping through dance is. A few weeks ago three of my best friends were in a dance show here on campus that I had the privilege of going to.  I love watching dance anyways, but during this show, I watched as many of the dancers were filled with joy (genuine joy, not just pasting a smile on their faces (which it great too)) as they danced for their Lord. They too were taking something they love, and that God has given talent in, and giving it back to Him.

For me, I honestly think that my greatest talent is loving people. I love everyone I meet in some way, and even the people I do not get along with, I am usually able to find something I love about them. Is that because of who I am? Most definitely not. I'm actually kind of a horrible person at heart. That is God working in me and through me. And I love doing it. I love letting God show people His love through me (I personally don't think I was the smartest choice for this but hey. I'm just trying to follow directions). And honestly, because I know who I am on the inside (not. pretty.), I know one of the few motivations I have to try to find something to love in those people who bring me great anger is because I adore God so much (look to the def. at the top). Loving the people who are God's creation is to me, one of my greatest expressions of my love for Him. I could go on for hours about this, but I think I'll leave it there.

Singing and playing music, writing, dancing, loving people... These are all ways that we can worship God. And He loves all of it. You know those times where you're really excited about something, and you go to tell or show someone else, and they don't care? Or when you draw your parents a picture as a child and you're so excited to show them, but they kind of smile and put it to the side, and act that it isn't that important? That's never how it is with God. We come to Him with these things we love, and things we've prepared for Him, and He's always overjoyed to watch. He's always proud when we are trying to display our love for Him, no matter how it is. When I was first writing this, I was trying to think what I thought *my* greatest talent was, and when I came to "loving people" I almost instantly wrote it off... Loving people is nothing like singing, or writing, or dancing... But that's kind of the point. I express my adoration for Christ by doing something I love to do, that He has allowed me to do, and it is so different from the other things I've talked about. We all have something we're good at, and that we love to do and the amazing thing is, we can use all of those things to worship God. He loves all of it, and He accepts all of it.

So I guess... Never feel like you can't do what you love to do because you feel like it doesn't give glory to God (other than those obvious examples that just popped to your head if you're anything like me). Just remember that those things you love to do are from God, and remember to do it to please Him. God loves watching us love something just as much as we do.

It doesn't have to take a ton of work or displeasure to worship God. And I think that's pretty cool.

The little miracles

My mom used to always tell me a joke, it went something like this:

    Once there was a great flood and there was one man who was trapped on a tree. Before the waters got too high some people on the shore came close to the tree with a ladder and said “Hey! Let us help you down so that you can escape!” To which the man responded “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Pretty soon the waters had risen even higher, and the man was no longer able to get help from people on the shore. But a little while later, some people in a boat came to him, and said “Hey! Let us help you get into the boat!” To which once again the man responded “no, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Even later when the waters had risen up even higher, a plane came and the people in it said to the man “Hey! Let us help you to the plane so you can get away!”. And once more the man responded “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me”. Soon after that the waters went all the way up, and the man drowned. When he got to heaven, he said to God, “God, why did you not save me from the flood?”. God’s response? “Well I sent you the ladder, the boat, and the plane!”

Moral of the story? God sends us help in many different forms, just because it does not seem like it is divine, does not mean it’s not from God. God is always there helping us, sometimes we’re just too blind to see it. My mom always told me this joke after I said to her “I don’t need other people, I’ve got God. It’s okay if it’s just me and Him.” She told me that joke to remind me that prayer and miracles are not the only way God comforts us. Sometimes all He does is send you that one person whose hug makes your day brighter. I wonder how often God sends me someone to help me and I turn away from them thinking “No, thank you, but the Lord will save me from my pain”, and He’s standing there shaking his head, just thinking, “Jenny, I just tried to. I can only help you if you accept my help.” Maybe I just need to look harder.

And just backtracking a bit, when I said “prayer and miracles are not the only way God comforts us”, I kind of want to change that statement. Because my friends are miracles. When one person can make you smile and laugh when all you want to do is cry and give up, I think that’s a miracle. And I have a few friends who do that all the time. So let me rephrase that. Prayer is not the only way God comforts us. He gives us little miracles every day to comfort us, it’s just a matter of opening our eyes to see what he’s sending us. 

Not super sure where this came from...

So lately I've been having a ton of trouble figuring out how to trust God. Whether it's about my education, watching people I love deal with medical issues I can't even begin to understand, my path, or even something as stupid as relationships. Deep down I know that everything is going to be okay, but most of me is so afraid. I'm afraid I'm going to mess up my future, I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to help when people need me most because I honestly have no idea how to, I'm afraid my friends are going to wake up one day and realize that I am so not worth this. I feel like I'm not as smart as God or my friends make me out to be, and I’m going to fail. I feel like if someone I love is suffering and I can't help them I'm worthless. I feel like because the guy I like will only ever see me as a little sister I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. And I feel like because I fell for the wrong person, I'll never stop hurting.  

I'm scared.  

And I hate that I'm scared, because it means I don't trust the one being that I can always know will never fail me. And if I can't trust Him... who can I trust? And if I can't trust God I feel like I’m failing. To be honest I have no idea why I am writing this. I've been struggling a lot lately with trying to be okay with something I'm about 97% sure is going to happen relatively soon. And the thing is I keep saying that I trust God, and I know that when it happens, it is for the best, and that any trials we go through are meant to make us better and prepare us for later. I keep saying that, but I don't think I actually believe it. Last night I was talking to one of my very best friends (he said I could use his name!) Connor, and he flat out said "You're never going to trust God as much as you need to." Connor Is blunt. It's one of the things I love most about him. I keep trying to trust God and I feel like in a lot of ways I believe that if I just fake it long enough I'll make it. But that Isn't working. I can't keep trying to trust Him on my own. Because like I said, deep down I know everything is going to be okay. But we're not called to be afraid of everything and only deep down know we're going to be okay eventually. We're told not to be anxious in anything and to throw our concerns upon the Lord. Maybe I am halfway there, but I still have a long road in front of me. 

I've been trying to do a lot on my own lately. I've been trying to figure out a lot simply by sitting in my bed thinking about the issues really hard. That doesn't really work. So maybe I can try a different approach. Maybe I can talk to God about it. And I don't just mean tell Him I'm going to trust Him now, because there have been many times in the past few months where I've said "Okay I trust you" and immediately knowing right afterwards... No I don't.  He's not fooled, and He's not going to let me pretend I can fool myself. So when I said maybe I can talk to God about it, first of all, I mean, I need to talk to God about it, and by talk, I mean beg Him to help me. God is standing right next to me as I'm going through all of this knowing how hard it is for me to get through it. And He's begging me to let Him help me. Because He's the only one who can. 

Sometimes I feel stupid asking God to help me feel something. To help me trust Him. Maybe you guys do too. (Like I said I have no idea why I'm writing this...) But when it comes to thinking like that I need to remember what it was like when I was a kid. Back when every single day I prayed for a little brother named Tommy. When I prayed that we'd have spinach for lunch at school (seriously. Have always loved that stuff). When I could pray for anything and not feel stupid. Jesus told us that the faith of a child is the greatest faith of all. I need to be more like the girl I was when I was 7. The girl who always believed that God wanted to hear from me about everything, not the one who just says it. God wants to hear about my struggles, and honestly I believe when finally swallow my pride and ask for His help I'm finally doing something right. It seems stupid to go to someone and ask Him to help you trust Him, especially for some of the things I mentioned earlier in this post. But that's what I gotta do, because anything that bothers me is something that God wants to hear about and help with.  

Because I am so tired of being scared. And I think my friends are tired of watching me always prepare for the worst. I've been trying to change, but I can't do this on my own. I have to finally turn to God. And I'm hoping if any of you have felt the same way, maybe this post could help push you to finally reach out for some help.  

I don't know why I'm writing this, but I felt like I should. (Seriously pretty much the entire time I've been writing I've been talking to Connor being like "Dude what am I even writing? Where is this going? What is this?"). So I really hope that this post wasn't a waste of your time. Thanks for reading guys, I'll be praying for you, and feel free to send me any prayer requests (even if we've never spoken before, seriously I always love making new friends ;)!).  

Love you guys!

What is love?

Alright guys, I'm sorry again, I don't mean to be sappy, but stick with this one... I think it might be a bit different from what you originally think. Or maybe not. You might hate it, not gonna lie... But give it a chance if you got some time on your hands.

Recently someone kind of opened my eyes to the fact that I don't really know what it means to have someone love me. (I KNOW. CALM DOWN.) What do I mean by that? Well my friend has said to me multiple times in the past few months that I need to stop acting like being loved means nothing. And I only recently realized I have no idea what it means to be loved. I know how to love people, and I do. I love a lot of people, so very much. But I don't think I actually know what the reverse of that is.

What does it mean to be loved? Well the ultimate example of an act of true love was Anna sacrificing herself for her sister Elsa. No I'm totally kidding, but Frozen was on the right track. Jesus laid down his life for every human who ever was and who ever would be. And He knew that so many of them were going to scorn Him.

...Ha I'm listening to music right now and Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson just came on. The first line of the chorus is "If you wanna know how far my love can go, just how deep, just how wide. If you wanna know how much you mean to me look at my hands, look at my sides."

Think about that for a second.

Jesus died for you because He loved you. He didn't die thinking "Oh okay alright. This stinks, but hey I'm saving a lot of people right now so. Ya know. It's chill." No. He died thinking about you. He knew you were going to fail Him countless times, and He still went through a crucifixion for you. If you wanna know exactly why I italicized that look up how you die when you're crucified sometime.It ain't pretty. And not only that, before He died for you, He left paradise to come here. For us. There actually isn't enough time or words to say just how much Jesus did for you.

For all humanity.

And humanity killed Him.

And He knew it was gonna happen.

And He did it anyways.

And even in death, He still prayed for us. (Luke 23:34)

That's Love.

And you're guaranteed to have it.

I'm still working on fully believing that humans could love me (and I do hope this post reaches someone who understands that feeling, so that you know you're not alone) and understanding what that means. I'll have to get back to you on that one. And I hope that if you feel the same way I do you're lucky enough to have friends like mine... who never give up on me, even when I don't understand.

But I do understand that a perfect being loves me. Not just because I'm a human and it's His job to, but because I am His daughter and... He's proud of me. He loves me and runs after me every time I run away. And that's no small thing. So stop writing it off.

Give this one a chance guys. ;P

      Alright, so I try hard not to be that girl, but this has kind of been playing on my heart for a few days. And to start off I want to say I will be using myself as an example, not to be sappy or anything else weird, but simply because I know myself best...So it's easy to write about me. Anyways. And boys this post isn't just for girls... you deserve this too. 

     So I'm 19, and almost all of my friends in one of my friend groups is married. So lately I've been thinking about what I would want in a husband (not because I'm ready to get married. Ohhh no. Thats a few years out.) I've had a list of what I want for a while, but especially in this past year that list has changed a ton. And if you're like me, not married yet, it's going to change for you quite a bit. I know some of the qualities I want in a man, but something new has started to become really clear to me recently. Obviously I want my husband to love me completely and make me believe he does every day (which... if my future husband is reading this... sorry in advance, that's gonna be hard to do. It's not you, it's me), but I realized I want my husband to love specific aspects of my character. I want him to love all of me, but... okay let me try to explain.

    Above all I want the man I marry to fall in love with me because of how in love with Christ I am. The most important thing in my relationship will always be God, and I want to find a husband through Him. It would be amazing to be pursued because this guy wants to know about my faith. I want to sit on a couch and just talk about how awesome God is with the man I'll spend my life with... I want the most attractive thing about me to be my faith. And I wanted you to read that first because honestly, that's the most important thing. Marry someone who loves you for who you are in Christ, and who wants to get to know you through your relationship with Him first.

    But... I also have something else to say... Christ is first, but here are some other things I want, and I think you should want something similar.

    I want to be beautiful in my husband's eye, but I don't want that to be why he loves me. I want to be beautiful because he loves me. I want him to love me because of my passion for music, and I want music to be so much better when we're listening or playing it together. I want him to love me because if we're driving somewhere and he keeps changing the station, odds are I will know the words to 90% of songs, no matter what genre (last night went from country, to classic rock, to a t swizzle song, to wonderwall (kids ask your parents) to screamo, back to country) after roughly .7 words, and I will sing along. I want him to love my stupid humor and share it with me (our love of dumb puns will get us through much). I want him to love me because of how loud and long I laugh at random YouTube videos, and I hope to watch tons of them with him. I hope one of the reasons he loves me is how much I love anime and how excited I get about all things Disney. I don't want him to love me enough to put up with all of my quirks, I want him to love me *because* of my quirks, see the difference?     

       I have good qualities that make me a good friend, and have made me a good girlfriend in the past, and will help me be a good wife in the future. But those qualities, like honesty, loyalty, and how much I care about others can be found in tons of people. What makes me special are the weird things about me that not everyone else has. I'm not that special because of my good qualities, I'm special because of my weird qualities. You know, I have been called perfect a total of one time in my lifetime, and I'm fairly certain that the person who called me it doesn't remember it at all. But I still remember it, and it still means a lot to me. Because that person didn't just know the good qualities that make me a nice person that's pleasant to be around. That person knew me better than anyone maybe ever has. They knew all of the things that make me crazy and weird and super strange. But they still called me perfect. The only person to call me perfect, called me perfect because of how unique my oddness is. You need to be proud of your good qualities, and bestow them on the world, because there's a reason God gave them to you and gave the world you in turn. But when looking for the person you're going to be spending your life with, you totally should be looking for that sweet, caring, trustworthy, devoted person they always talk about in the movies... But also look for the person who's weirdness is what makes you love them, and vice versa. God made you unique in so many ways, and you deserve to find someone who sees all of them, and loves you for them. We all have friends who love us and accept us for ourselves (hopefully) but, trust me, its amazing when you find someone who pretty much every time you learn something new about them... something strange... makes you fall in love with them just a little more.

      Girls, wait for the guy who falls in love with you because you made up onezee (I have no idea how to spell that at all) Wednesday, or run a philosophy twitter page. Guys, wait for the girl who falls in love with you because you get super intense about your video games, or you read Jane Austin novels. Plenty of people are going to love you because you're sweet, and protective, and funny, but choose the ones who love you for those things, but fall in love with you for the special things that make you you.

      Guys, wait for the person that you love, not because when you feel like you're 100% yourself they still accept you, but because they love you most when you're 100% yourself. 

Being alone

                So this actually started off as a post about something similar… but not the same, and then kinda morphed into this one… So it might start off seeming kind of quick and out of nowhere, but know, there was originally an intro.

At least for me when I am going through horrible things, generally I feel completely alone. Not always, but a lot of the time. My friends will try to be there, but they won’t fully understand, because honestly, how could they? Or there are times where I just won’t have anyone try to be there, for many valid reasons, whether I am hiding the pain from them or they’re not there physically and don’t know how to help. So I feel alone.

For me, pretty much this whole year has felt like one huge scar being ripped into my heart, painfully and slowly. In some of that ripping process I’ve had people be there, but for a lot of it I have been alone. And before you freak out, almost all of that was because I shoved everyone out in a major way. But a tiny part of it is because physically… I am alone. I have literally three or four friends who are still in the same state as I am. So I think of myself as alone in every way. Well… God doesn’t agree with me.

I think the best story I can tell you to illustrate this is actually from quite recently. It was one of the first times I was seeing pretty much any of my friends in a few weeks (no I am not exaggerating), one of the first times I was not physically alone… And I fell apart. I was surrounded by people (I was actually at a sports game… hundreds of people and quite a few friends) and I felt 100% alone.  I ended up walking away from the crowd, bursting into tears as soon as I was clear of the people, and pretty much yelling at God for letting me feel so lonely. I had all these people around me right then, but soon I’d be alone again. And in that moment, all I really wanted was a hug. But I was talking to God, standing alone in the freezing darkness, crying, feeling like it was never going to get better.

A few days later I was talking to a friend about my harsh reality of loneliness, and he just tilted his head, looked me in the eye, and said “But you’re not alone. You have me. You have your other friends. You are loved.”  Wow. I’m not alone, I have them. I’m loved. Maybe that doesn’t seem all that exciting to you, because everyone should know it, but for me, it meant a ton. This friend pretty much always knows exactly what to say, and when he said that I was certainly comforted, but I also realize he wasn’t the first one to say that to me.  That night I was crying alone? I think God was saying that to me. While I was yelling at Him, He was standing right there, begging me to hear Him.  While I was screaming about being alone in my pain, He was saying “But you’re not alone. You have me. I’m right here, I always am… I see your pain, I feel your pain, and I want nothing more than to help you through it. Jenny. I love you. I will always love you. Please, let me show you.” God is always right here with us, and that night when I was crying? He was catching every tear, and shedding His own for me. He will never let us be alone.

So yes. Physically I am alone most of the time, and that is extremely difficult, but I need to open my eyes to the fact that I am not really isolated. On one level I have those friends, the ones who always say the right thing, the ones who hug me and never seem to want to let go, the ones who make me tea, the ones who hit me in the face with a body pillow, and then cover me in a blanket, all of whom I know I could text and they would call me in an instant if it is at all possible for them to do so. But on a much deeper, more reliable level, I have God. He understands my pain, and He wants to go through that pain with me. Can you imagine? A perfect being wants to feel your pain, just so you won’t have to bear as much of it. And there I was, yelling at Him for letting me be alone. If that one friend had been there that night, maybe I would have felt better, but God had him say that a few days later to show me something big. God has given me all these people in my life, but they are not always going to be able to be there. And they are never going to understand exactly what I’m going through. God is. And the only way for me to hear that sometimes is for God to make me stand alone, in the dark, freezing, sobbing, screaming at him for putting me in this situation. The funny thing about that is… In order for me to yell at Him, I need to know He’s there. And I always do. Sometimes He gets me angry at Him just to remind me He’s never walking out on me.

Pretty cool huh?  

And this seems like the perfect time to share my life verse with y’all: Psalm 31:7: “I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.”. Hey, He knows the anguish of your soul… you're not alone... let Him in. 

As you go into this next year

1.         This was originally for some friends who were going into college this year, but I wanted to share with all y'all too. Hope it helps!

 

Y You are perfect the way you are, right now.

a.        God made you the way you are. He loves you the way that you are. Does that mean that you don’t need to change? Of course not. God gave us time to use. To show more people who our great and loving creator is. To get to know ourselves and God a bit more.  To become more like Him. We always have room to improve who we are and our faith. But God still loves us for who we are right now. He made us into the people we are right now, and He is proud of us. Don’t hate who you are. Know that you have things to improve on, but know that even through that, God still loves you as you are. Never hate yourself… Because if God can see the depths of your heart and love you the same… You have no reason to hate yourself either. And because of that…

b.        Don’t change yourself for anyone. Believe it or not, there are plenty of people out there who are going to see you and tell you to hide some of who you are. I know this isn’t going to do much… But they don’t matter. I know I know… everyone says that. But seriously. You can choose to focus on those people who do not see every amazing part of you… or you can focus on those people who see you for all of what you are, the good, and the bad, and love you just the way you are. Everyone is going to have something they don’t like about you, but people can have things they don’t like and still love you completely and unconditionally. It might sound insane… but they exist… and they would do anything for you. Find those people, and don’t let them go. Don’t run away from them. Let them be there for you. Focus on them. There is an amazing gift in someone who sees you for exactly who you are, and still loves you and never wants to give you up.

v      Song to listen to:

1.         Indescribable by Chris Tomlin

2.        All you’ve ever wanted by Casting Crowns

2.        You deserve to be happy.

a.        God did not put on this earth to be sad. He put us here to worship Him and spread His love. Every time you feel pain, God feels it right along there with you. He wants you to find joy and hope. There is literally nothing you can do that would make God love you less. God sent his one and only son to earth to die for us. He didn’t do that so we could suffer. He did that so we could live in the freedom that Christ brought us. We don’t have to live in guilt. God does not look at us and feel shame for who we are. Like I said before, He looks at us and what He feels is pride. You deserve happiness bud. Don’t let yourself feel anything different.  And just a little piece of advice… If you feel you have no reason to be happy… take a moment and look at the Creator you believe in. He would do anything for you. He loves you. He is not going to let you go through life only for pain. He is going to bring you somewhere wonderful… You just need to remember that.

b.        One last thing on this one… God does not see us in our sin and think that any of our sins are greater than anyone else’s. A sin is a sin is a sin is a sin. We all need the same amount of redemption, and we all don’t deserve it at all. And God is ready to give it to every one of us the same. And along those same lines, your pain is just as important as everyone else’s. It doesn’t matter what you are upset about, what matters is that you are in pain, and because you are in pain, so is God. Let God take some of that, trust me he hates to see you suffering. Give some of it to Him. And don’t forget that God gave you friends to help you through things. It is okay to lean on other people. You don’t have to do this alone. He doesn’t want you to go through life in a vacuum

v      Song to listen to

1.        You are more by Tenth Avenue North

2.        East to West by Casting Crowns

3.        You can help people.

a.        I know there will be times when someone close to you is hurting, and you want nothing more than to help them, but you have no idea how to. You might feel worthless to them, but hey, trust me you are not. There is always something you can do. Just listening, just being there for them, just giving them a hug, trust me when I say that can change someone’s life. But the best thing you can do? You can love them like Jesus loved you. Love can change so much, I know it’s a total cliché, but seriously showing someone how much you love them can change a life. Love them, and pray for them. God did not ask us to do anything different, He asked us to love Him and love others. Remind those around you of the love Jesus has for us by loving on them.

v      Song to listen to:

1.         Love them like Jesus by Casting Crowns

4.        You are worth it.

a.        I’m going to keep this one short, because I don’t want to get super overly repetitive, but you are completely worth it. And you know how I know that? Because Jesus Christ thought you were worth it. He died on a cross for you. Jesus loves you so much, and His love goes so very far. He suffered for you. He doesn’t want you to change who you are, He wants you exactly as you are. If He thought you were worth it… I can be pretty darn sure that you are worth it. Look, there will be times in life where you mess up and you hurt people. That doesn’t make your friendship or your presence in their lives any less worth it. Think about what you do to God every day. He knew you were going to hurt Him and doubt Him and turn away from Him. And He still died for you. He put you in these people’s lives for a reason, you bring so much more joy than you do pain. Don’t only focus on what you do wrong, see the joy and positive things you bring to other people’s lives. They love you. They want you in it... Don’t run away from them. Please.

v      Songs to listen to:

1.        Drops in the Ocean by Hawk Nelson,

2.        Who am I by Casting Crowns

5.        You are the child of the King.

a.        Hey. If you ever think you are not important, remember whose child you are. God did not put you somewhere because He thought that it would be great to put an extra worthless body there. Not even close. God put you where you are because He has a plan for you. Whether you believe in predestination or not, God does have something in mind for you, and He is guiding you towards it. God put you where you are because you have a role He wants you to play. You are the best you for the job you were put there for. You are important. Try to see how special you are…everyone else can. If you feel like you can’t do it, ask God for help… He wouldn’t put you somewhere just to suffer. And hey if you are suffering… something is going to come out of it that you could never imagine. God doesn’t want us to suffer, He wouldn’t let it happen for nothing.

v      Song to listen to

1.        Remind me who I am by Matthew West

6.        You are loved, and you are not alone.

a.        You are so, so, so loved. You are loved by the people around you whose lives you touch. You are loved by people you minister to, however you are called to do that. You are loved by me… even if that doesn’t mean much to you or you don’t believe it. But most importantly, you are loved by the King. The creator who has no reason to love you. But He loves you more than anyone, and everyone on this planet could. You are so special, you are so loved. And God didn’t put us here to go through everything by ourselves. He’s here with us. He is walking on the same path you are, holding His hand out, begging you to take it. He would never put you through something He wouldn’t go through himself. He wants to go through this life with you, and He’s always there, even when you don’t believe it. And if you still feel alone… Look around you. God gave you people. They want to take some of it. They hate to see you hurting. They want to help. Please… let them help. God put them there for a reason. He doesn’t want you to take everyone else’s pain and not give anyone any of your own. He wants you to lean on these people He gave you. Don’t act as though there is no one. People love you. And they want to help you.

v      Song to Listen to

1.        Strong Enough by Matthew West

Extra Songs: Words I would say by the Sidewalk Prophets, Hosanna by Hillsong United

Signed,

                The person who will never forget, who is always here, and will never stop loving you.