So this actually started off as a post
about something similar… but not the same, and then kinda morphed into this one…
So it might start off seeming kind of quick and out of nowhere, but know, there
was originally an intro.
At least for me when I am going through horrible things,
generally I feel completely alone. Not always, but a lot of the time. My
friends will try to be there, but they won’t fully understand, because
honestly, how could they? Or there are times where I just won’t have anyone try
to be there, for many valid reasons, whether I am hiding the pain from them or
they’re not there physically and don’t know how to help. So I feel alone.
For me, pretty much this whole year has felt like one huge
scar being ripped into my heart, painfully and slowly. In some of that ripping
process I’ve had people be there, but for a lot of it I have been alone. And
before you freak out, almost all of that was because I shoved everyone out in a major way. But a tiny
part of it is because physically… I am alone. I have literally three or four
friends who are still in the same state as I am. So I think of myself as alone
in every way. Well… God doesn’t agree with me.
I think the best story I can tell you to illustrate this is
actually from quite recently. It was one of the first times I was seeing pretty
much any of my friends in a few weeks (no I am not exaggerating), one of the
first times I was not physically alone… And I fell apart. I was surrounded by
people (I was actually at a sports game… hundreds of people and quite a few
friends) and I felt 100% alone. I ended
up walking away from the crowd, bursting into tears as soon as I was clear of
the people, and pretty much yelling at God for letting me feel so lonely. I had
all these people around me right then, but soon I’d be alone again. And in that
moment, all I really wanted was a hug. But I was talking to God, standing alone
in the freezing darkness, crying, feeling like it was never going to get
better.
A few days later I was talking to a friend about my harsh
reality of loneliness, and he just tilted his head, looked me in the eye, and
said “But you’re not alone. You have me. You have your other friends. You are
loved.” Wow. I’m not alone, I have them.
I’m loved. Maybe that doesn’t seem all that exciting to you, because everyone
should know it, but for me, it meant a ton. This friend pretty much always
knows exactly what to say, and when he said that I was certainly comforted, but
I also realize he wasn’t the first one to say that to me. That night I was crying alone? I think God was
saying that to me. While I was yelling at Him, He was standing right there,
begging me to hear Him. While I was
screaming about being alone in my pain, He was saying “But you’re not alone. You
have me. I’m right here, I always am… I see your pain, I feel your pain, and I want nothing more than to help you through
it. Jenny. I love you. I will always love you. Please, let me show you.” God is
always right here with us, and that night when I was crying? He was catching
every tear, and shedding His own for me. He will never let us be alone.
So yes. Physically I am alone most of the time, and that is
extremely difficult, but I need to open my eyes to the fact that I am not
really isolated. On one level I have those friends, the ones who always say the
right thing, the ones who hug me and never seem to want to let go, the ones who
make me tea, the ones who hit me in the face with a body pillow, and then cover
me in a blanket, all of whom I know I could text and they would call me in an
instant if it is at all possible for them to do so. But on a much deeper, more reliable
level, I have God. He understands my pain, and He wants to go through that pain
with me. Can you imagine? A perfect being wants to feel your pain, just so you
won’t have to bear as much of it. And there I was, yelling at Him for letting
me be alone. If that one friend had been there that night, maybe I would have
felt better, but God had him say that a few days later to show me something
big. God has given me all these
people in my life, but they are not always going to be able to be there. And
they are never going to understand exactly what I’m going through. God is. And
the only way for me to hear that sometimes is for God to make me stand alone,
in the dark, freezing, sobbing, screaming at him for putting me in this
situation. The funny thing about that is… In order for me to yell at Him, I
need to know He’s there. And I always do. Sometimes He gets me angry at Him
just to remind me He’s never walking
out on me.
Pretty cool huh?
And this seems like the perfect time to share my life verse
with y’all: Psalm 31:7: “I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw
my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.”. Hey, He knows the anguish of
your soul… you're not alone... let Him in.
