Okay so here it is. This is for all of you out there who think
of yourself as less than a 5. Everyone else is a 7 or above right? But you, no
you are a 3. There is just so much wrong with you and you will never be as
worthy of love as the people around you. This post is for you.
I never saw myself as more than a say… 4 if we want to stick
with the rating system. Granted there are some days when I still think of
myself that way, I don’t think there is anyone out there who always sees themselves as a ten (unless
you are totally full of yourself. Which hey. You do you, I ain’t judging.) But
for the first time in my life I can see who I really am. I’m beautiful and
funny and smart and strong. And I’m not saying that to be arrogant, I just
finally can say who I am without feeling like I’m bragging. It took me 19 years
to get here, but I got here. And I wanted to share with you the single most
important thing I learned along the way.
For 19 years I had people telling me over and over again how
great I am. I had plenty of people telling me how horrible or ugly or fat I was
too, but many more people telling me how wonderful I was. The thing was, the
only people I believed were the people tearing me down. Recently I was talking
to someone going through something similar to what I was and ended up saying “It’s
amazing how far down words can throw you, but then they can do nothing to bring
you back up.” She immediately agreed with me and we went on to talk about
something different. I’m sure you guys know what I’m talking about. And that
mentality right there, is what kept me as thinking of myself as a 4 for my
whole life. Get ready for some clichés, that I completely promise you are totally
true.
You know how everyone always says it doesn’t matter how much
they build you up, because if you don’t see your worth for yourself, it won’t
go anywhere. Well… yeah. If you don’t believe what the people around you are
saying, you’re just going to think that they are lying to you. And then you’re
going to think they are just pitying you and that’s why they are trying to
build you up. And then you’re going to feel even worse about yourself. And yet
we still look to other people to build us up. That is something I still don’t
get. But I did it for almost two decades so… Looking to others to build up your
self-esteem doesn’t work if you are not even willing to be open minded about
yourself. For me, that’s all it took. I couldn’t just see myself as this great
person right away, but I started to just be a little more open to what these
people were saying. If so many people were telling me I was pretty, and smart,
and strong, maybe, just maybe all of
them were not just telling me the same lie over and over again. I started
trying to see the me that they saw. It was not an overnight process, but each
day it did get better. If all of these people who I loved and admired so much
didn’t think I was worthless… maybe I shouldn’t either. But it took me being
willing to actually see some good in myself first.
Look. I know everyone says it, you have to be able to see
the good yourself before you’re going to believe it. But believe me when I say that’s true. Nothing
anyone says will make you feel better about yourself if you don’t think there’s
a reason to believe it. Take it from someone how always saw herself as a
failure and a waste of space and air. You have to look to yourself for you
self-worth. Not others, at least not at first.
At this point in my life, I don’t think I am more worthy of
love than anyone else, but I finally see I am no less worthy of it than any of
my amazing friends or teachers or anyone I have ever admired. I am so very
broken, but so is everyone else. We are all broken, just in our own ways, and
we are all amazing and beautiful and wonderful in our own ways. And we are all
equally worthy of love. The trick is getting yourself to believing that. And I
know one blog post by some random 19 year old isn’t going to change the hearts
of many, but I’m hoping it will be a nudge in the right direction.
Guys, I’ve been there. I’m not just someone who has never
really understood what you’re going through and is trying to tell you what
works without really knowing if it does. This works. You have to see how
amazing you are yourself. People can help you get there, but only if you let
them. One of the most amazing people I’ve ever met thought they were worthless
because they never let the fact that so many people loved them and cared for
them sink in. Because they wouldn’t open themselves up to seeing what we saw. I’m
not saying it’s easy, or even the whole journey, but it’s the first necessary
step.
I don’t care if we have never spoken or we aren’t really
friends or whatever our relationship is. I know you are worthy of love. Because
*everyone* has something in them to love. Believe in yourself, because I
believe in you.
