Sick of Shame

Hey y’all. It’s been a hard few months for me, and the war against depression and anxiety has had quite a few losing battles lately. Honestly though, I’ve somehow been fairly joyful through it, even on the days I couldn’t bear to smile. But a few days ago I broke down. And then I really broke down, because I realized I wasn’t okay, and I felt so very weak. I knew I have not been able to pour into people much lately, and I haven’t been able to be there for them, I’ve had to ask for a lot of help, and that’s what really broke me. I felt like not being okay meant I was to be too much of a burden on those around me, and maybe the best thing I could do for them was just step out of their lives. But the next day God reminded me what God thinks of my weaknesses, and it changed a lot. I wanted to share it with you guys.

I'll be honest, I sat down to write this post at least 6 different times, and could never finish it. I think the biggest issue with writing was each time I was focusing too much on one emotion. I've been fighting with hurt, anger, hopelessness, all the while holding onto the hope that God showed me. This is my attempt to be true to each of those. 

_________________________________________________________________________________ 

Ugly,

Weak,

Useless,

Unlovable.

How could I be anything else,

When depression and anxiety take over,

And I have to ask for help,

Just to feel even a little okay?

Why would anyone want

Someone as broken,

As helpless,

As me?

Does it matter

That I’m trying?

That I loathe this,

Just as much as you do?

I know,

It’s hard to deal with me.

It’s hard to be there for me.

That you deserve better.

But still,

Don’t I deserve better

Too?

Why

Do I have to be ashamed

Of who I am?

I shouldn’t have to hide my pain,

Pretend my mental illnesses don’t exist,

To feel like I’m worthy of love.

Do you know that I hate who I am right now?

That I’m deeply ashamed?

That I think you’re better off without me?

Do you know that every time I pray,

All I want to do is scream?

I have tried so hard,

To be happy all the time,

To be easy to love.

But still,

It never seems to be enough.

No matter how much I love and fight,

In the end I’m always shown I’m not worth fighting for.

My weaknesses

Render me unworthy.

I don’t know if

Anyone could want someone as needy as me.

Am I really worse,

Than other people with my illnesses?

Will I ever get completely better?

Or will I always have breakdowns?

If I’m not perfect,

Does that mean I’m not trying hard enough?

If I’ll never get over this,

Should I just save people the burden of knowing me?

How could God ever be proud,

Of someone as weak as me?

What does God have to say about me?

Somehow God is proud.

God not only says I’m worthy,

But proved it by coming,

Living and dying in this broken world,

For me.

To God,

Weaknesses should not bring shame,

But should be boasted in.

Weaknesses don’t make us ugly,

They make us unfathomably beautiful.

Because with God,

Our cracks don’t make us useless,

Unable to fulfill our purpose.

But instead they are openings,

For God’s power to shine through.

Almost unbelievably,

God says

Having weaknesses,

Doesn’t have to mean we are weak.

They can be where we are strongest.

God’s power is made perfect

In our weakness.

That means through our broken pieces,

The greatest force that exists,

Becomes whole.

When we believe

Our weaknesses are what make us lesser,

It is not God’s voice we are listening to.

When we look in the mirror and think “ugly”,

We are buying into a lie.

So stop being ashamed.

Stop thinking you don’t deserve love.

Stop listening to the wrong voice.

Try to see yourself as God sees you.

Try to see your weaknesses as God sees them.

Not as ugly, needing to be hid away.

But beautiful, worthy, and priceless,

Always cherished by God.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Guys I love all of you so much, but more importantly, God loves each of you so, so much, and you are all worthy of it, no matter what you believe. God believes something different. Never forget that. 

Reckless

A few nights ago, I experienced the longest anxiety attack I have ever had. I'd say it lasted from about 7:20 p.m to somewhere around 10:30. I can't really explain what caused it, because there were a plethora of things, but the final trigger was that my car's battery died. Twice. In one day. On my first day of work. Fun right?

As soon as I could after the attack started, I went up to my room, got in my bed, curled up around my Bruins Pillow Pet and started sobbing. I had been talking to God the whole time, but that was mostly because the attack started while I was driving, and I needed God to keep me and everyone around me safe, so it wasn't until I actually got in my bed that I turned to God in order to actually talk to God.

I'm not proud of what came next.

For a short while I turned to scripture, and found a passage in 1 Kings that, no, didn't answer any questions or help me feel reassured, in fact, I felt like it was pointless at the time. Then I just started talking to God. Well, talking isn't the best word. Screaming is better. I started screaming at God (no, not literally, the neighbors are very close, but my mind was most certainly screaming).

I said some really horrible things to God, including, but not limited to: "do you even care?" "Why did you do this to me?", and this is the big one... "you're just like everyone else, you'll provide for me in the worldly things, but when it comes to emotions, you leave me on my own".

Ooph. Like I said, I'm not proud of it. But it gets worse.

After about an hour of just screaming, writing some thoughts out, I told God God needed to provide me someone to be there for me, to prove to me God was different. Yes, I put God to the test. One that in my mind, God failed. And I told God this. That I was sticking with God, because there is no one else I could turn to, God is my God through everything, no matter how I feel about God or the path God is taking me on, but God had proved to me I will be alone through my pain.

About 30 seconds later exactly what I had asked for happened, and I was stuck feeling extremely stupid.

Being stubborn old me, it took until the next morning to admit that I was wrong, in just about everything I had done, and said the night before, and I had realized that I had been wrong about a whole lot of things that came before. But to be honest, even though I could admit I was wrong, I was still angry. When I told God I knew I was wrong, I wasn't actually apologizing, because I hadn't forgiven God for putting me through that.

I'm sure you've heard that God can handle our anger before, and that's true, but that's not really what this post about. I did learn more about what it means that God can handle our anger, but this is more about what I learned about God's forgiveness just a bit more though this. That's what I want to tell you about today.

First though, you need to know some backstory. I love my (earthly) father so very much, and he is certainly one of my favorite people in the world. But my father and I have fought in the past (obviously), and we have said some really hurtful things to each other. What almost always happened after these fights was there was a day or two where we did not really speak to each other, and things were really awkward. Then enough time would pass and nothing would actually really be resolved, but we would be back to normal. For me in these situations, the reason I tended to close myself off from my dad is because I knew I was wrong, and I was too ashamed to face him. I might have apologized (though not always), but I knew I messed up, and I knew he was mad at me, sometimes I was still angry myself, and we both had every right to be, so I stayed away.

Let me tell you, I have never said anything close to as horrible as what I said to God that night to my father.

So the morning after this anxiety attack, and this fight I had with God, I straight up said to God "I know we're not in the best place right now, and I know I messed up, and you're probably mad at me right now, so that's fine. We're just going to be off for a few days, and it'll be whatever".

Now in my head, I knew God's not like that. God doesn't need a few days away from you to forgive you. God doesn't put you on a probation period after you mess up. I think it was about when I remembered that God always forgives, and forgives immediately (which I'll talk about more in a moment), that I stopped being as angry, and started being ashamed. I realized how stupid I was being, how I was being self-righteous, and frankly a brat. To God! So what I said to God changed slightly: "I know I messed up Father... I am so sorry... I am so sorry". I started curling up into myself to try not to burden God with such a disobedient child. Like I said, I knew in my head that God forgives as soon as we ask for it, but sometimes the heart takes a bit more to convince.

Though my head understood this on Saturday, by Sunday morning my heart wasn't fully on board. As we sang the worship songs at church, I felt like there were certain things I didn't have a right to sing. The songs were all about trusting God, and having confidence in God's promises, and I had clearly proved two nights before that I didn't trust, I didn't have confidence. At some point as we were singing something broke in me, and didn't feel the anger anymore. I was ashamed, and knew I didn't have a right to claim those things. The last song we sang before the sermon was Reckless Love, which has become one of my favorites lately, and was especially relevant today.

Then the sermon began, and the pastor told me that Jesus prayed for me (John 17:20, you fall in that category folks), and reminded us of some of the things Jesus did for us, and how He loved us each individually. It was a great message, but all I could think of was "but you don't know what I did, what I said. How I dishonored God when all God has ever do was be there for me and provided for me... Right now, God can't want me"

But then I looked at Jesus again. Jesus, who prayed that prayer for us right before He was about to be tortured. Jesus who said on the cross: "forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

You know, they say you can see a persons true colors when they are at their worst, and I don't really think Jesus had a worst that was different from His best, but I feel like this might have been one of the weakest moments of Jesus' life  (this is speculation here, but you know). And yet, literally as these people were killing Him, Jesus asked the Father to forgive them.

And I truly believe as I was saying those things, probably knowing more was to come, Jesus was standing there at the right hand of the Father saying, "Forgive her, she knows not what she says", and somehow, even though I was screaming at Him, was hurting for me.

Jesus gave up Heaven, stepped away from the Father for a while, came to earth, to spend time with humans, who He knew would kill Him someday, because, as the pastor reminded me today, Jesus declared that you and I were worth it.

I don't care what you've done, or what you've said. If Jesus took His last breath to defend His murders, He's up there defending you now.

Our relationship with God, our "fights", our moments of shame, our screw-ups, are nothing like those we find in our earthly relationships. Because the way Jesus loves us is nothing like any relationship we have here, it's unconditional, it's what we would think of as reckless: never letting go no matter how many times we hurt Him (and in case you're wondering, God has always loved us "recklessly", Hosea is probably the best book to show this). There's nothing we can do that would make Jesus feel like He needs some space from us.

If anyone out there is trying to keep their distance from God because you are too ashamed to go to God, stop it. God is not ashamed of you. God is not ashamed of what you've done. God just wants you in God's arms.

Guys I pray you know you are so very loved by our Lord, and you have been declared worthy by God. Don't run away from God when you are ashamed. Run to God.

Any voice inside you telling you you've messed up too much is not from God. Know what I'm saying? It's a LIE. A lie that God wants to tear down in pursuit of you. God is always moving towards us, always running towards us, no matter what path we take. Maybe it's time we turn around.

Fear is a Thief

Today I found myself in a place I have been way too many times before: sitting on a bathroom floor, arms wrapped around my legs, head on my knees, crying, telling God I can't do it again.

In the past there have been many things I felt like I couldn't do: make a big life decision, lead a team of chaplains, finally end an extremely unhealthy relationship. Today though, the thing I was feeling especially unable to do is at the center of everything else: hope.

Not ten minutes ago I sat on the floor in a hotel bathroom, mascara running down my face, telling God I couldn't let myself hope again, because I couldn't deal with the pain that comes when whatever I am letting myself hope for doesn't come through.

About a month ago, I had the privilege of  helping out at a theological institute called Faithworks, and the theme this year was courage. On the first night, one of the professors who was running the institute talked about the connection between courage and hope, I believe saying the greatest courage comes from hope in the Lord, but he might have said the opposite too, that the greatest hope can only come from courage from the Lord. That second part is what floored me. Because I never realized how much courage it takes for me to hope.

This was my last year at college, and so many people asked me what I wanted to do with my life when I was done, or where I saw myself in ten years. Most of the time I didn't have an answer for them, because every time I started thinking about it I shut down the image that was coming to my head. It took me till almost the end of the year to figure out why, and the first time I voiced it was to my adviser in a meeting one day. I told her that I had realized the reason I couldn't get past a fleeting start to a vision for my future is because I was too afraid to hope for anything.

I didn't realize how much of a thief fear was in my life until I realized it had stolen my ability to hope for almost anything. At the time, I tried to do something about it, but didn't really know how to move forward. Somehow, though I saw the connection between fear and lack of hope, I didn't find the connection between courage and strength of hope.

So Faithworks was a good thing for me this year. And yet here I am, hardly a month later, telling God I can't hope again, I can't let my heart get broken again because I was silly enough to hope.

Sometimes God gives us an answer in unexpected ways.

Almost as soon as I finished saying "I can't do it", the chorus from Rend Collective's Every Giant Will Fall started playing in my head: "Every giant will fall, every mountain will move, Every chain of the past, You've broken in two, over fear, over lies, we're singing the truth, that nothing is impossible with You". The translation was clear: "You can do it, you're choosing not to". So I stood up and continued to defend myself, stating that okay, yes in theory I could do, I knew I was supposed to be able to, because the Lord is my strength and that is enough, but I felt so... flimsy. My heart felt flimsy, like it would not be able to take another hit, and hoping just set me up for the fatal blow. 

God answered me with Sanctus Real this time. "Those problems you're worried about they can't keep you from living now, when you shake 'em off and lay 'em down, down, down at the cross where your freedom's found".  

Now this particular answer is very helpful in theory, but I don't think I have ever known how to actually give my trouble to God, how to lay them down at God's feet, and I just realized this today. Maybe part of my problem, my inability to hope comes from the fact I have no idea how to lay my fears and struggles down at the feet of God. I'll tell myself that I have laid them down, and then go back and pick them up because I think the only way to deal with things is to do it myself. Which, as we all know, gets nothing done in the end. Which might be why, even though I have known for months that fear is keeping me from hoping, I have not take more than a single step forward in the path to overcoming that. I was trying to take the wrong step first. I had been praying that God take the fears and anxieties that steal my hope, when I should have been asking God to show me how to give them to Him. (I'm figuring this all out right now as I'm typing, so if this seems ramble-y, that's why). 

A really haunting question has come to my head a lot in the past few weeks: "What would you hope for if you weren't afraid?". I want to live my life following the hope that I have gotten from God, not the fear that comes from elsewhere. 

But the thing is, I don't know how to hope yet. Because I never asked God to show me how. It seems like such a simple thing, I thought I always knew how, but I don't think I ever did. 

So this post is the start to my journey of trying to learn how to hope. And you know what? I'm really hopeful about it. I know it's going to be painful and hard at times, but I'm excited and joyful that it's happening. 

I am onto my next great adventure with God, and I pray that if any of you are struggling with hoping, this post might have helped you, and might point you towards the only teacher who can show you how. 

Fear is not only a liar, as I talked about in my last post, but it is a thief, and it's time we chose to do something about it. I don't ever think there will come a time when hope is always easy, I know there will always be hard times, but I know God is what will make my flimsy heart strong, and God is what will keep me moving. If you let God, I know God will do the same for you.

Thanks for reading guys, I pray you always know you are loved, you're amazing!

Faithful in the Journey

              Hey y’all! How are you doing? I know it’s been a bit, but then again, I’m sure you are used to that by now. As an introduction to what’s been on my mind lately, I think I need to give you a brief update on my life. I basically graduated college a few months ago (got one more class to finish up, then come September I am officially done with undergrad!), and am currently on my way across country with my father to move me out there, so I can go live with my aunt for a year. Both of these things are exciting, but especially important backstory for this post because 1.) I started writing this to submit as a speech for my Baccalaureate, the theme of which was Faithful in the Journey, so keep in mind this is going to start off like a speech would, and 2.) it explains why in the world I’m moving across the country when I love the east coast. ‘Ight… Here goes nothing…

*******************************************************************

My favorite movie of all time is Men in Black. If you haven’t seen it, you definitely need to finish reading this post (😊), and then go watch it. If you have not seen the movies, they are about this agency (the Men in Black) who work with aliens who have come to planet Earth to help them live "normal" lives, and keep the humans from finding out about it. Towards the start of the first movie, one of the main characters (Tommy Lee Jones, or K) is trying to open up the other main character (Will Smith, or J) to considering the possibility that aliens might exist. The line he says to accomplish this is “ Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow”.

To be honest, this line has always haunted me. I didn't like the idea that maybe the things I knew were not actually true, and it was likely even a lot of what I "knew" was going to be proven wrong soon. Realizing I didn't really "know" all that much started in college, when I  found myself facing seemingly endless hits to what I thought I knew. At the end of my freshman year this applied to what I thought I knew academically/logically, theologically, ect., which shook me. But by the end of my freshman year the attacks (or at least what felt like attacks) had moved onto what I thought I knew about what I was going to be doing with my life, and in what order. This was even harder than the logical hits (which I'll explain how I dealt with in a later post), because you see, little ol' me always had a plan, and that plan was what kept me going. I might not  have known exactly what was going to happen along the way, but I knew each mile-stone that I would be hitting, and when I would be hitting it. For example, when I started college I “knew” that I was going to be graduating in eight semesters, with a degree in Youth Ministry, after which I would go straight to Gordon Conwell to get my graduate degree, most likely in Youth Ministry as well, but maybe in religion. Oh yeah, and I wouldn’t be engaged, but I would be on my way there.

And yet, here I am four years later, almost done with my degree in Theology, after being forced to take a semester off for health reasons, moving to California (of all places… I hate the heat), for a gap year to figure out what exactly I want and where I want to go to school, and romantically very single (not that I’m exactly bothered by that, but I’m certainly in a different place then I thought I would be). None of this was in the plan, and if you had asked me even a year and a half ago if this is where I would be now, I would have emitted a single laugh and said very condescendingly “yeah, okay” (I’m working on it). I had a plan. I was going to stick with that plan. And it is important to note that when I made this plan, I was convinced it was God's too (I mean why wouldn't God want me to go to seminary?). 
Now, there have been two times in my life where I looked forward and saw only blackness. I don't mean that in a dark way, I simply just mean I couldn't see anything (I'm speaking literally here). I had no idea what was to come next. One of them was when I was forced to take a semester off from school, which was so never in the plan. The other was when I found out I wouldn't be going to grad school this coming year. I was lost and disappointed, and had no plan to follow, and no idea where to turn. I think my first reaction was actually to pray that the world would just stop for a few days, just so I could figure everything out. When that didn’t work I asked God over and over again to give me an extremely clear sign of which path I should be taking". 
When neither of those things worked, God helped me to look for the next tiny step, instead of the whole path, and take it. And in this case, the next step was moving to California for a year to be with my family. I know what you're thinking, that's really not a tiny step, but in the grand scheme of things, it really is. So many people have asked me what I'm going to be doing when I'm out here, and much to my pain, the answer has always been "I'm not totally sure yet", not because I have not been trying to figure it out. Moving to Cali made no sense to me at all; everything I know is on the east coast, my immediate family is not exactly thrilled about it, and I had no plan beyond that. But for some reason, even though I'm on a different coast, with no job, and people who I love and share blood with, but do not really know yet, and not a ton of money, I'm confident this is where I'm supposed to be. When I was falling apart, because my plan did, totally lost and confused, the door opened up for me to come here, I felt a call, and even though for the first time in my life I had no plan, I had peace in coming here. And I know that peace could not have come from me.
Through it all, there is only one thing I will always know, today, tomorrow, and every day to come: God is here, and God cares. I want to follow God where ever God leads me, because in the end, God is the only thing I know with complete and utter confidence to be true. So I will follow God where God calls me, even when God asks me to do something I think is totally crazy. And I am out here, with no plan, not freaking out, solely because I know wherever I find myself, God is going to be there, and God will always have my back. When everything I think I know falls apart around me, God is the one thing I can lean on.

It is not easy, and I still struggle with it, but something a friend told me recently has really helped. He told me  he started believing in God’s plan when he started living his life, instead of thinking about it all the time, and that in order to live without a plan is by taking each step at a time, knowing you're already living one out. I know God will always be faithful in my journey, and the best life I know to live is one that is faithful to Him along the way. I don't know what I'm going to know tomorrow, and I don't want to live by what I think is true. I want to live following the one thing I know to be true. And even though it's confusing, it's not scary anymore, because I know there is not a single step I will take that God is not holding my hand.

Fear is a Liar.

I have talked about fear on here a little before, mostly specific fears and what God has told me to help me through them, but today God's teaching me a little something about fear in general. I doubt this post is going to be very long, because I don't have a ton to say, but I wanted to share it anyways. I hope that's okay :). 

As with everyone, my whole life there have been so many things I have been afraid of, and often I just turn to my defense mechanisms to deal with them. For me, I have a few go-to defense mechanisms I like to use. When it comes to being afraid of people hurting me in relationships, I just tell myself that they never cared and shut down my heart (dang, that feels so awful admitting). When it comes to losing people, I just remind myself that there was a time I never had them. Complain about people and things when they annoy me. When it comes to just about anything else anger and sarcasm work really well. And yes, each and every one of these things hurt the people I care about around me, and no, they hardly ever helped, but I never stopped them. I could say I didn't know what else to do, but the truth is I just never wanted to try something different.

But the thing is, when I let defense mechanisms run my life, which I did this year, because I found it was just easier to be angry all the time, I become the worse version of myself. And that's who I have been for the last year at least. There's no other way to say it, I've been a cold-hearted jerk, who hurt the people she cares about all the time, especially when she is struggling with something. I was the person I promised myself I would never become, and I can only look back on it with shame and pray for forgiveness for it. 

In these past two weeks I have finally reached the point where I just don't want to be angry anymore. I don't want to hurt the people around me anymore. I don't to be sarcastic, I don't want to push people away, I don't want to shut down. I have hurt too many people I really care about, and my sister and I have made my house too much of a war-zone. 

So I started talking to God more this last week, started reading my Bible more again, and for the first time in a long time, I felt fairly peaceful and happy. My mom even mentioned it when I called her to ask her about something. But really quickly that was put to the test, and the past few days I've been struggling through something that has brought up some past pain and a whole lot of fear. Almost instantly I felt myself shutting down, running to hide behind my defense mechanisms. And then I saw myself reverting back to the person I had just started walking away from. I got really angry at something very, very stupid, and wasn't very far away from taking it out on my family. Thankfully God reminded me to take a step back in both of those instances, and helped me to choose to do something different. I didn't shut down, I spoke up, and instead of getting angry, I prayed God would help me through the situation as gracefully and loving(ly(?)) as possible. Now I want this to be very clear: it was not me who did that. God did. But dang, what a difference it has made. 

My sister is actually shocked at how I am handling the situation, and I think for the first time in maybe 8 years we've gone 3 days so far without fighting. I see the person I once knew I could be coming out, I think mostly because though I am still dealing with that thing, I am not letting myself turn to these unhealthy habits, and instead turning to God with the pain and fear. It's literally changing my whole personality.  I can't say I'm not upset right now, or hurt, or scared, but I feel so calm. So much calmer than I ever do with my defense mechanisms, even though when I turn to them I tend to bury those painful feelings, so I don't feel them as much. I don't know if I would say I feel happier than I do when I turn to defense mechanisms, but I know that will come, and I certainly am more hopeful and joyful. It honestly feels so much easier than turning to my defense mechanisms as well, because it's actually working. God's not pushing me on taking the things that are hurting, I don't have to work at it. 

Turning to God with our pain does not mean it's just going to go away, but it does mean you will not be alone in dealing with it. I don't want to run from my fear, I want to run towards God with my fear. Even though right now my mom (who probably knows me better than anyone else in this world) knows I'm struggling with something, she also can see I'm more at peace than I have been in a long time. And I am, because even though I don't know what's going to happen with this situation, or with my life in the next month, or year, or ten, I know God will always have my back, and will always be happy to carry my burdens. I don't have to be alone in these feelings. They're not fun, but they make me a better person, I've noticed it already even though it's only been a few days. 

All this to say, I know how terrifying it can be to turn to something other than what you have always known when you are scared or in pain, but I promise there is another way, and a much better way. And you're not alone. I am praying for you all, and I love you all. If you know me, you can reach out to me to talk about it if you want, if you don't, turn to a friend you really trust. You are so very loved, and you are so very strong. If you let God hold your fear and pain, so much of your life will be affected. Because when we give God the bad things, it is so much easier to see Him, and share with Him the good things. 

Talking with God

Hey y'all. I know it's been a while, and there have been a few things I need to update you on in my life, but I'm going to save that for the next post, because right now I want to finish one I started months ago, that has stayed on my heart for this whole time.

Now, I need to say something before I begin. The whole time I have had this blog I have tried to be as transparent as possible with y'all, which sometimes means I have to tell you things that have gone through my mind that I am not overly proud of. This is going to be one of those times. Get ready for some very sterio-typical thoughts and feelings for a twenty-something-who-just-graduated-a-small-christian-school-woman. I'm just being honest. Okay, so now we are prepared to begin.

A while ago after church, I went to a tree near my dorm on campus and talked to God for a few hours. During that conversation, I found myself re-thinking many things, and I wanted to share some of those with you.

For as long as I can remember, I have looked forward to having a family, with plenty of kids. I have looked forward to meeting the man I would marry, and as I grew older, I found myself extremely excited for the first time I would worship with him. (Yes. I know. I don't like admitting this. Stick with me though). As much as I hate to say this, I had fully expected to meet him before I finished college. This is what I was talking to God about that day, because at the time, I only had a few months before college was over, and I found myself not only extremely single, but perfectly happy, and even determined to keep it that way. And I kept saying that I would be fine if I was single for the rest of my life, no questions asked.

Now, this would have been completely fine...if my heart and mind actually seemed to be on board with it. But I would see families at church, or couples holding hands and worshiping togethers, or I would watch dads playing with their babies and something in me would just go I want that. It finally reached the point I needed to talk to God, because I felt like I was at war with myself. I couldn't be fine with never meeting someone and yet always find myself with a deep longing for a family and a husband whenever I saw one.

So I talked to God. For about two hours. What I realized that what I thought was me being okay with simply being single if that was what God called me to, was actually me just terrified of being in a relationship. God had nothing to do with it.

Fear in relationships... fear of romantic (and let's face it, most close) relationships to the point where I would rather avoid them forever then ever try to find one again, and I had convinced myself that fear was peace in following God's call... Wow. That's a problem. A problem that is going to take many more posts to show you how God's been working with me on, but for now I'll tell you how God helped me throught the first step: conquoring my fear.

I had started crying by this point in my conversaion, because I knew that if this fear was controlling me to the point I had convinced myself it was actually God, I needed to do something about it, ut I didn't know what. See, I've been afraid of giving my heart away, just to be broken again, for a few years now. And to not be afraid of a relationship meant not being afraid to give my heart away, and I just did not know how to do that.

So through tears, I told God there was only one being I would ever be willing to give my heart to, only one being I would not be afraid to, and that was God. God was, and is the only anything I trust to never break my heart. I wanted God to be the safekeeper of my heart.

I realized God is the only one I would ever trust to give my heart away, only God would never give my heart away. God will always hold it in God's hand. When others get a part of my heart, they should get it because God is holding them too, and that is what I want with my husband. If I ever get married, it can only be because we have both given our hearts to God to hold, and God, who will always be holding us, has brought us together.

I believe I grew up thinking some version of this, but it had never really hit me so hard as it did that day under the tree, and it's been easier. There are still many things I am afraid of, there are still many things I'm angry about, and I still hurt. I don't know if will ever have a family, or a husband, and if I'm honest right now I hope that I will. But what my prayer will be is that one day all I will hope for in my life is that I will always  faithfully follow God, and that my heart will become like God's.

So I'm not going to make big statements like "Yo, I would be happy if I never had to deal with another romantic relationship in my life, yeah bring on the singleness!" anymore, because that's not true. Right now, deep down, while I am fine and happy single, I do want a relalationship one day. I do want to get married. So. So much. I was just too scared to admit that. And while I know I will be fine, even fantastic if I do end up single, I want to be those things because I am so happy and fulfilled with God, not because I'm afraid of the alternative.

I know that was a bit rambly, so forgive me, but I hope that meant something to you, and maybe helped someone. As always, I would love to talk, you'll be hearing from me soon (I promise). Thanks guys!

Poem for Advent

So, as per usual, I know it has been waayyy too long, but I wanted to share with you something I wrote for the Advent chapel at my school. The theme of the chapel was darkness to light, and finding hope in waiting even in this time of despair. I gotta say reading it on paper is nothing compared to seeing it performed, but I still wanted to share! Keep in mind, this is written to be a performance, so I know the poem itself could be better... Don't judge me too hard guys :-). Here it is.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As I look at this aching world,

I feel assaulted by the despair

Because it seems that no matter where I turn

All I find is suffering.

Relationships that harm instead of heal:

Families torn apart pointlessly.

Sisters and brothers with physical and mental illness,

Friends and family who refuse to acknowledge they exist.

Outside it only gets worse.

Mass shootings in concerts and churches;

Bombings in mosques and on street sides

Hatred borne of fear, borne of ignorance.

Even the earth seems to be rebelling.

Hurricanes wiping out power for months;

Taking away homes and thousands of lives.

Earthquakes crushing cities, bringing hope down with them.

Where does it end, Lord?

When will this pain stop?

Because I’m starting to think

It will only consume us.

As I stand in all this pain,

All this anger,

One question keeps screaming in my head

“Where are you, God?”

But before even a tear hits the ground,

I hear a voice,

More heartbroken than mine,

Calling out in the darkness saying:

“I know this anger:

I know this pain.

And I am right here

With you.”

“I came down to you,

I lived life with you,

I suffered for you,

And I’m not done doing that.”

“I have walked with you -

All of you -

Through every moment of joy

And every moment of pain.

“Don’t forget: I rose again!

I came,

I stayed,

And I’m coming again.”

“So don’t lose hope:

Don’t despair.

I am God, who turns darkness into light,

And this darkness is no different.”

Looking around,

I still see pain,

But I start to see something more:

The light that proves God is still here.

Reconciliation where revenge once held fast;

Families joining with those who were lost.

People shouldering pain for those who cannot bear it themselves

Others speaking out for those who don’t have a voice.

Heroes saving friends

and strangers alike.

People previously unknown to each other

Rallying to help those in need

There is still anger,

But it will not win.

There is still pain,

But it will not prevail.

Because in the midst of this shattered world,

We have a God who creates light out of nothing,

A God who is not blind to pain,

But feels it - and fights it - with us.

And God has promised this is not all that God will do!

God is coming again,

And when God does, God will not just transform the darkness,

But eradicate it.

So God, give us the strength to wait -

And not just wait in despair,

Just barely holding on -

But wait with hopeful fire!

I don’t know how you’ll do it Lord,

But I do know I keep hearing one repeated promise,

Quiet but strong:

“I am coming”

To Be Broken

"This. This is the Jenny I want! Not the one who was in the room."

This was a line a friend of mine gave me a few years back, at a time in my life when I was really struggling with not letting my depression control me. The Jenny who had just been in the room had been struggling with holding off some sort of attack (there were many, many tears). The Jenny this person wanted was the one who had sucked it up and put on her "happy-go-lucky" face (who can be pretty funny I must admit).

At the time I didn't think anything of the comment, because I understood where this person was coming from. It took me a few weeks and some wisdom from a friend to understand why this comment wasn't okay.

When I told one of my friends this story shortly after it happened, she was furious. I don't remember most of the conversation, but what I do remember her saying exactly was "Both those people are you Jenny! People don't get to just choose which one they want! It's all you."

Huh.

To be honest I didn't fully understand what she meant until a while later. Deep down I knew what she was saying, but I just kept telling myself she didn't understand how awful the depressed side of me was, and how long I had been there. I told myself this person had every right not to want, not to love, the broken part of me.

I think a lot of us who struggle with mental illness have felt this way. We feel like people should not have to deal with the less fun sides of us. Sometimes we just feel like we are just far too broken for anyone to love, and we cannot blame anyone for wanting to leave because of it.

Well, now that I am a few years out, I can tell you this belief is complete, and utter crap.

We have a God who loves us unconditionally, and we are in a GIANT family full of people who are called to love us the same way.

I mean can you imagine if that was how Jesus loved? If He came down and said He would take all of us, but not those of us who were broken? I don't think any of us would qualify.

Here's the thing about brokenness. We are all broken. And not one of us is more broken than the next person, we're just broken in different ways. And our brokenness is part of who we are, it doesn't define us--no God does that--but you can't just take the pieces of us you like and think you still have us. If you take out someone's brokenness, you take away that person. If you can't love someone even when their brokenness is obvious, then I'm sorry, but you are not really loving them.

Guys, every piece of you is so, so worthy. Even when you're hard to deal with. For people like me, even when your mind is keeping you in a cage for a long time, you still deserve love. 

Which doesn't mean people need to just accept when you're not fighting it. Let's jump really quickly back to my story at the start of this post. At the time it happened, I understood where this person was coming from, and I still do, and I don't hold anything against them to this day, it's just a perfect illustration for what I wanted to say. I think this person was warranted in some frustration with me, because I wasn't doing much about the season I was in. I wasn't fighting the depression at all, and that attack I had been dealing with? I'm pretty sure it was my fault. Someone needed to say something, just not that. 

To love someone is to push them when they need it. When I am in a place like the one I was in then, I need some tough love, I need someone to tell me to work on moving out of that place. But pushing does not mean telling me to "deal with it", and then just walking away until I can fix it. I think that's what my friend wanted me to do. Put when you push out of love (yes I know that sounds incredibly cheesy I am very sorry), you tell them they need to start moving out of that place, and then you stay and help them do it. We were meant to fight each other's battles together. 

There are people who will do that guys. I have been blessed with many friends who have stuck with me through it all. And there have been many, many low points in my life. I have a friend who has helped to realize all of this, because when I thank her for accepting me (on a very regular basis), she always scoffs and says "I don't accept you Jenny. I love you."

I know this is not my best post, and I know it probably sounds a little jumbled, so I apologize for that, but I felt like I needed to write this now. I want to tell those of you like me who think your brokenness should not be something that other people should have to deal with that you're wrong. It's not dealing with anything. It's a part of loving you. 

And you're worth that.